All We Know Is Falling

Sean knelt on the towel Snoz had placed in front of the toilet. He had been kneeling there for about an hour now, since he was last sick. He was scared to move, in case his stomach reacted again. Sean hated being ill, and he had never hated being ill more than what he did now.

For being ill altered the way you thought. It brought out every single bad thought in your mind, making you urge more and more until all of your thoughts were laid bare on the white porcelain in front of you, or even on your kitchen floor. That one had been unfortunate. The time that had landed on Snoz’s shoes was even more so. Sean couldn’t even laugh. Couldn’t even cry. He whimpered sorry, grabbed the cloth, tried to wipe it off, and failed. He was then sent back to bed, sleeping for another 20 minutes under heavy sedation from the sleeping pills Gavin had gone out to get.

His friends, they were all one of a kind. Gavin, without Sean knowing, had been on the phone to Rhys all night, both of them exchanging information about Ian and Sean. Everyone but Ian and Sean knew that this was dire. Nothing could be done about it until Sean wasn’t throwing up at the mention of Ian’s name and until Ian was saying more than “I’m a fucking idiot”.

Sean was now sat, not knelt. He was cradling his knees, trying to think about anything but Ian.

Oh God, too late now Sean. You’ve blown it now.

Sean didn’t know why he felt so sick every time he thought about Ian. Or, rather, that’s what he told himself. Deep down, he knew that he had messed up. Ian didn’t need this on top of everything. Ian needed to have a good time. Now, his birthday was ruined. He hadn’t even seen the present. Matthew and Bob had taken it back to their flat, keeping it away from both Sean and Ian. God knows what they would have done with it. No one even knew what it was, apart from Sean, and he would have probably chucked it out of the window in a blind fit of both rage and illness. Ian would have probably cried, mumbled about himself being ‘a fucking idiot’ and cried some more. Everyone knew now that Ian and Sean were a destructive couple when not together. If they met, who knows what would happen.

Nobody ever thought this would happen, Sean thought. Nobody knew the stress they were both under. If they had known, they would have made things easier. Taken the strain off.

Sean didn’t really understand that thought- why was their strain? When Ian had first told Sean that Ivy had asked for a divorce, he went round to Snoz’s at 7 in the morning, called up the boys, and they had all proceeded to get hammered, except Sean, who just got “mind drunk” on the fact that everyone else was drunk. He still acted drunk as hell, dancing on the tables, having a good time. It was only 9 by the time they were all pissed, and yet they didn’t care. They were happy for their friend.

Snoz, Rhys and Bob had been the only ones to know of the affair all the way through, or so Sean thought. Gavin and Matthew had accidentally walked in on a passionate kissing session in the bathroom at Bob’s apartment once, and had backed out quickly, not telling Sean until after him and Ian got together properly. They thought it was just a one of thing, like a moment of passion.

It wasn’t. Bob had walked in on pretty much the same thing about a month on, only one step further. Sean knew that Ian had been making too much noise for them to get away with the quick hand job in the bathroom during another party. Not a good idea, he thought, but him and Ian didn’t have much time together and Ian was feeling as frisky as anything.

Snoz had been the one who was trusted throughout the whole thing, and Rhys overheard it, keeping silent when Gavin and the others complained about what they walked in on because Sean had practically cried whilst begging him to not tell anyone. Crocodile tears, however, they were not. Sean was petrified that if Ian knew that someone else knew, he would call the whole thing off. Although he knew that it wasn’t just a sex thing, he also knew how much he cared for Ivy. He didn’t want to hurt her through gossip, and even though Ian and Sean were more in love that Ian and Ivy ever were, it would still be impossible if it got to Ivy through gossip.

Sean knew one thing that Ian didn’t though. He knew that Ivy had known about the thing Ian and him had. She didn’t know that they acted on it, but they knew there was a spark. Ivy would often catch Sean smiling at Ian, and she did nothing but smile back, sometimes grabbing Ian’s hand without noticing. Sean had never hated Ivy, he just hated what Ian and Ivy had. Something that he thought would hold him and his boyfriends relationship back forever.

Sean cried at the thought that now he had done something which could hold their relationship back forever.

Forever. What a powerful word. At times, it had made Sean want to climb to the top of a tower and shout about how happy he was. Ian had used it enough. Together, Forever, Seanie.

Forever. What a powerful word. For now, it just made Sean want to crawl under his bed, cry his heart out until he could cry no more, and just break. Shatter into a million pieces, because only Ian could hold those splinters together, and now, Sean didn’t have Ian to hold him together, nor to tell him it was going to be okay.

Ironic, really, that when you were going through a break up, the one person who you are crying over is the one person who you need to say “It’ll be okay”. Only one person can ever do that to you in a lifetime and only one person can make it mean more than anything in the world. Yes, Sean thought bitterly, Purely ironic.

He walked from the bathroom, finally glad his stomach had settled. He hated being sick, hated feeling sick and most of all: hated waiting to be sick. He wondered out to see Gavin sitting on the bed, reading the back of a condom box. Sean laughed as well as he could, “God, is my house really that boring Gav?”

Gavin went red, flashing his teeth in a slight smile, “I’m sure it isn’t normally,” he tugged open the drawer, “How many boxes of condoms do one couple need?”

Sean smiled, “We don’t even use them, Gav, that’s the thing. Ian’s mam gave them to us about a week ago when he went to visit Lisa. He sat down, told her all about us, and she was like, ‘Oh God, I knew this day would come’ and handed him about 10 boxes of the crappy things, like he was 15 or something,” he reeled off the story, eyes sparkling. However, his eyes faded when he realised what he was saying, “Oh shit.” He just made it to the bathroom in time.

Gavin ran in after him, rubbing his back as he emptied his already drained stomach, feeding him with well dones as if he was training a dog, not watching someone throw up. He knew that as long as Sean got it all out of his system, there wouldn’t be much to bring up. That time was coming soon, as Sean was now spitting his mouth clean, chugging down the water that Gavin placed beside him. He spat half of it out, getting rid of some of the taste. However, his throat was still sore, and he still felt sick. It was simply that there was nothing left to bring up.

“Listen Sean,” Gavin shook his head softly, “I don’t know what’s going to happen here. Hell, I don’t know why any thought or mention of Ian has such a big effect on your internal affairs. All I know is… its useless just sitting around when you could be doing something about this mess. And believe me, when I say mess,” Gavin grimaced as he flushed the contents of Sean’s stomach away, “I mean mess.”

“I know,” Sean muttered, slightly inaudibly, “I can’t though. I can’t face thinking about him, let alone speaking to him, let alone seeing him.”

“Sean. You cannot, cannot, just sit here with your head in a porcelain bowl, staring down it. It doesn’t work that way, and I’m sure Ian is feeling just as cut up.”

“But it isn’t Ian’s fault. It’s my fault.”

“No, no, it isn’t. Its no ones fault, you’re both under pressure, through fault of nobody. Maybe you need a day or two to cool down, but Jamie’s dad is keeping the hall free, since he’s good friend with the owner. So your bouncy castle- it’s still up. We didn’t want to take it down. So you two can have your party eventually, whether it’s with us lot or on your own. Who knows? Just don’t stick around here, throwing up and feeling bad. It’s not your fault, it’s not Ian’s fault. It’s just one of those things.”

“Yeah, but, Gavin, one of those things normally isn’t a thing that,” Sean choked up, holding back his stomach grumbles, feeling a lump in his throat, “it normally isn’t a think that ruins your life. This-“ Sean threw his arms around the room, “this whole room, it’s nothing without Ian. This tiny room, which isn’t even his. My kitchen, it isn’t supposed to be full of take away wrappers, it’s supposed to be full of smoke where I was trying to cook but got distracted by Ian. My bathroom, it isn’t supposed to smell like a hospital, with bleach cleaning the toilet, mouthwash burning the taste from my mouth, it’s supposed to smell of Ian’s shower gel, and his shampoo. It’s supposed to smell like… like he’s dressing up to go out somewhere, even if he isn’t, because that’s who he is…”

Sean drifted off, fixing his eyes to Gavin, swallowing the lump in his throat and letting his tears run out of his swollen eyes and down his pink cheeks. His eyes flickered to his bed.

“… my bed,” he broke his sentence with a sob, “my bed, the covers are supposed to be messy. It’s supposed to have a dip in each side, where we’ve been sleeping. It’s supposed to have two dips in one pillow, where we’ve been sleeping so close we may as well have been in a single bed. Clothes are supposed to be chucked all over the floor, everything is supposed to look lived it. Instead, I’ve been rushing around, fixing everything because when I’m stressed, I clean. I make everything look model-home-esque, and I’m an idiot because now it’s making me even more fucking stressed,” Sean walked over to the bed purposefully, and punched the pillow in aspiration. He pulled the covers off the bed, flinging them back on messily. He opened Ian’s draw, flinging his clothes on the floor, and then did the same for his own clothes. He walked over to the bathroom, Gavin following him silently, scared to do anything. He pulled open the cabinet, flinging everything into the sink that he didn’t want, and finally getting to Ian’s shampoo. He pulled off the lid forcefully, splitting the bottle in the process, and sprayed it all over the bath, inside the tub, on the tiled walls beside it, on the taps, on the showerhead, and then chucked the empty bottle in the bin.

He breathed in the smell, sighing but still feeling angry. He grabbed Ian’s shower gel, yanking the lid off of that too.

The only reason he didn’t drip this into the tub was because a hand was placed on his before he got the chance. He looked at the hand, not daring to turn around, because he knew everything about this hand, knew it could only be one persons. He knew the hairs on the back of it, the tattoo that was just a bit up the forearm, the nails, so naturally perfect they looked like they were fresh out of a nail bar, and the ring- the simple silver ring wrapped around the 3rd finger that Sean knew so well, because he had given it to the person.

The room was silent apart from Sean’s steady breathing, for he was worn out from his outburst. The silence was broken with a, “Sean?” and Sean felt his stomach tensing. What started out as butterflies became worms, and were fighting to break free. Sean turned around, and faced Ian. He heart both soared and crashed, for Ian looked just as worn out as him. His eyes were swollen, his cheeks blotchy and his mouth slightly open, dry lips surrounding it.

As Sean fought back every single worm that was wringing it’s way out of his throat, gulping and swallowing to send each one back down, his eyes fixed to Ian’s. Sean felt himself whimpering slightly, and as Ian placed his other hand on Sean’s free hand, Sean dropped the shower gel, causing it to leak over both of their shoes, and felt his knees give way. Ian fell too, while Sean crawled on all fours to the toilet. He couldn’t hold back anymore, and as he felt his stomach content finally work it’s way out, he cried, harder than he had ever cried before. Ian was knelt down beside him, replacing Gavin’s job and rubbing his back until he was done.

As soon as he was, Ian pulled Sean into a hug. Tears flowed from every pair of eyes in the room. Gavin’s, Snoz’s, Jamie’s and Rhys’s, both of whom had been summoned by Snoz along with Ian. They were all torn between being heartbroken and being happy.

Sean held Ian’s cheeks, pulling their faces together, resting their foreheads together, “I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m so, so sorry,” while Ian shook his head, his hands running over Sean’s face.

“No, don’t say sorry. I’m sorry,” Ian mumbled, so only Sean could hear. He pulled Sean’s lips to his, sharing a sloppy kiss, wet from tears. Mouths weren’t opened; tongues didn’t dance- they simply kissed, over and over again. The four boys at the door walked out of the room, shutting the apartment door behind them and sighing with relief.

Inside the apartment, Ian and Sean knelt on the bathroom floor, still staring into each other’s eyes, still joining their lips together when they felt they needed to.

“Two-“ Ian mumbled into Sean’s lips, breaking his sentence to smack their lips together.

“-days-“

“-is-“

“-too-“

“-long.” He finally finished, pushing their lips together once more. The sat, foreheads together, lips touching, hands stroking cheeks and bodies pressed together.

Sean decided him and Ian were never going to fall out again.