All We Know Is Falling

Ivy woke up the next morning with a headache. Maybe a migraine; it was that bad. She hated headaches, they made her feel worked up and she could snap at anything. She rooted in her handbag, which she’d had on her at the time of the fire, and found her headache tablets. She hated taking tablets, the thought alone made her feel sick, but she didn’t know what she could do with a headache this size.

She had a headache, not because she was up all night worrying about the house, the money, her husband, but because there wasa little kid next door who would not stop crying. It stopped her, however, from sleeping, until eventually she had to take sleeping tablets that were given by the hotel, with the instruction: “Use carefully.” She took two tablets and was out cold.

However, tablets always made her feel ill. Her body just wasn’t used to them. That’s why, when she was at “Model Camp”, she was the only straight one; the only one who lost weight through exercise. The others all had their Diet Pills, and one by one were getting found out. Eventually, the whole camp was tested, and only two girls were found to not be on the pills. One was Ivy, one was another girl who was, for heavens sake, the size of a normal person. Ivy thought she was pretty. The other girls called her an ugly wanna-be. Ivy wanted to say different, but she was scared of the others. They already thought bad of her for not taking the pills. Really, they were jealous, because Ivy had the stamina to do what she was doing. They couldn’t hold back from the occasional cream cake, even less from the chocolate.

When she got out of the camp and met Ian, her dreams were answered. He was only at this Model Show because his company had stakes in it: this was a show to find good models, and if you got a good model, you could get millions. Ivy was just changing from one ridiculous outfit to another when Ian walked into the changing rooms, causing most of the girls to shriek and hide themselves. Ivy didn’t really care. She was decent, and she wasn’t attention grabbing like these girls. Besides, she wouldn’t mind this guy looking at her. He was really good looking. Really something. It was hard to come by guys who were something in this pathetic country. Wales, God she hated it. But the best model camps and shows were here, and he parents hated the idea of her not getting the best.

Ian came up to her and asked if he could ask her some questions when she had finished changing. He only asked questions on where the most money went in the business, only reinforcing their stakes in the business, but though the boring questions they made each other laugh, and ended up swapping numbers. The girls had her head on a chopping board for “swagging him” but she didn’t care.

Of course, their first dates were when they were in love. That was before they had both changed. Ivy admitted that she had changed the most. It was hard to be carefree and fun when your career was getting nowhere. Ian had changed because he was so tired all the time. It wasn’t his fault. Ivy knew that. It’s just, she could meet anyone who could give her money and give her love and not be too tired for sex at the end of the day. Ivy knew she was in love with Ian, but it was fading fast, and at the end of the day, love meant nothing in this age.

Ian woke up on the floor above Ivy smiling. Sean made him feel so much better last night. They just had a little small chat, one that they didn’t often have. One about their future, what could happen. Sean was rambling on about adopting kids and going on Cruises, and then jumping into water and fighting with dolphins. He made Ian laugh but still had the ability to then just randomly say, “I miss you,” or “I really really like you Ian,” and it would make him want to cry.

They’d never actually said the three words that every person in a relationship wants to hear: I Love You. Ian said a quick, “lave you,” to Ivy every night but how often he said it was fading quickly. She said it when she cuddled up to him, which wasn’t very often, but they both knew that they had changed too much to get the relationship back to how it was.

Some part of him still loved Ivy for what she could be. When they watched a movie, she would cuddle up to him if she was scared, just like she used to. But they spent less and less time together as she spent more and more time going out with her friends, anything to get noticed. They both knew it was coming to an end, but they just didn’t know how soon.

Ian heard a small knock at my door. He got up, chucked the crappy bathrobe on that was hanging in the closet thing, and answered the door. Ivy was stood there, in her pyjamas, smiling slightly, but with tears in her eyes.

“I don’t know why I’m here, Ian, but we have to sort this out,” she paused, “Just let me have my say first, okay?”

Ian nodded, wondering what this was going to be about.

“We both know that this isn’t working. We both know that we’ve changed too much. We could both find someone who suited us better, we could both find someone who loved us. And even though I know I do love you, and I think you still love me too, deep down, we both know that we aren’t happy. In all honesty, this is making me feel worse than what I would feel if we weren’t together at all.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Ian frowned, wondering why he felt so bad.

“Listen Ian, I love you, I really do. You’re a great person. I can be alright, I guess,” she said, attempting a smile, “but together, we’re not that good. We’re just a couple who has to be together. We have to be happy because we feel we owe it to the other person. You could find another girl- I mean, another partner with a click of your fingers, and I think that if I tried I could move on too. I’m just-“

“Partner?”

“Sorry?”

Ian frowned, “Why did you say partner?”

“Ian, do you think I’m stupid? When we all hang out, our group of friends, I’ve seen the way you look at Sean. I’ve seen the way you smile at him as if your telling jokes to yourself. You used to look at me and smile at me like that.” She smiled, “I just thought… well, I wouldn’t mind if you were attracted to Sean. I wouldn’t mind at all. I know I can be a bitch.” She sighed, “I know I am a bitch. A complete one. Last night, I was really out of order. But Ian, this really is bad. We need to get out of this, now. It’s killing me being in a relationship where we’re together because we have to be.”

He pulled Ivy into a hug, not because he wanted to reconcile, just because he felt so awful. They were both just driving each other crazy, and as she wrapped her arms around his waist, they could both tell this was a friends hug.

“Ivy, I’m glad this didn’t end sourly. But I will miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” And with that, Ivy Levan walked out of Ian’s life as his wife. She would only ever come back as his friend. He breathed out a breath that he felt he’d been holding in forever. He got dressed quickly, and they both caught the same elevator out of their floors, to reception. Ian paid the woman at the desk for both rooms, and they walked out together, as friends.

“Where will you stay?” Ian asked Ivy.

“I’ll find somewhere. A friends house or something. You?”

Ian smiled, not knowing what to say, “Same here, I guess. Either Jamie’s house or-“ He paused.

“-Or Sean’s? Ian, I said I don’t mind.” She whistled and a taxi pulled up, and she spun of the address of a friends. “Just, tell him I say hi, yeah? Oh and by the way, work called. They called my mobile because yours was busy. The don’t need you today, they thought they’d give you a paid day off. So go and spend the day with Sean. Have a laugh. I’ll see you soon to sort out the papers.” She smiled, and got into the taxi, shutting the door. She blew Ian a kiss, and smiled again, waving. Ian looked at his shoes, and then at his phone. He had a knew message:

I miss youuuu. See you later, fool. Love you, Sean x

He read it twice, and then read the last bit again. He smiled. He ran to his car, jumped in, and drove to his favourite place in the world. The block of flats smelt like piss, the person at the front desk clearly hated him, and everyone there was probably very annoyed at the Thursday and Friday afternoon Fun Fest in Sean’s room, but he loved Sean’s block of flats.

His house had burned down, his wife had left him, but he was still happy.

He was happy, because he was in love.