The Last Black Page Of Her Life

It was the right thing to do, wasn't it?
I stared at the red liquid on my hands ,finding its way down. I couldn't take my eyes of it. Blood, I never knew it was so beautiful, that it could make me so happy. After a few seconds staring at my bloody hands I realized what I had done. He was laying there so peace-full in front of me, like he was asleep. He was gonna sleep forever. Carefully I reached my left hand to the dead corpse on the ground and felt if he was really dead. He was, he really was dead and I was the person to blame for that. He, the one who made me suffer for all those 7 years, 7 fucking bitter years of fright, fights and mentally abuse. But now....... he finllay had paid for it!

The red pool of blood that was pooring out of the wounds in his chest was now reaching my feet. Again I kept staring at the blood.Damn, why did it felt so good? Even tough it felt good my hands were still shaking like crazy.

Would it really get easier from now on? Or did I just made the biggest mistake of my life? Would they understand? Or hate me? Suddenly my head was full of hundreds of questions and I was wondering if there was an answer.

“ Nath, is that you?” a well known female voice yelled from down stairs. Oh my god, I totally forgot about her.” Nathalie?” With an anxious look on my face I stood there nailed to the ground, I didn't now what to do. What could I do!? Tell her? Hide? Run off? My eyes searched for a way out. I needed to get away from this carnage,now. The window! I dropped the blood stained knife and crawled out of the window. I walked away as quiet as possible. But where did had to go to? Then a shriek of fright was audible. It was my mom , my dearly beloved mom who just found her own husband in a pool of red blood. That one shriek made me realize that I have commit something horrible. Run Nath, fucking run as fast you can I told myself and ran into the darkness of the night. No, it was not wrong, was it? Well not wrong to me but the would the rest understand? They don’t know how much I suffered, every day, every moment when he was there. Even when he was not around me he still abused my mind. He paid for it now. He bloody deserved it...... am I not right?

My thoughts went back to the shriek. Mom, will she still love me? Or just ignore me for the rest of my life telling me that she don’t want to know me anymore?
Was that what I want, being ignored by people I truly loved? Maybe it was all my fault and didn't I had the right to kill him! What if it was like that!? All these thoughts it made me so sick!

I ran faster, faster and faster, destination unknown. What happens when they found out it was me, me a 14 year old girl? Will they believe me, or just lock me up? They will hate me for ever isn't it? Turn their backs to me and then walk away.

‘Suicide, honey’ said the little voice in my head. Was that the answer to all my questions, suicide? Doesn't that mean that I’m weak?

Yes it does and Nath you are not weak! You have to stand above this all. You don’t want lose, not now you are this far. Come on honey, you killed that bastard! So now you wanna join him in hell? Show them how much you have suffered, show the scars on your body. And don’t forget the most important thing, the scars on your soul.

I was getting tired of running and my feet couldn't take it anymore so I stumbled and my body collapsed on the ground. There I was, laying on the wet ground in some blood stained cloths in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want get up and continue my run. I felt so hopeless and so lonely. A warm liquid escaped my eyes and flowed over my cold, pale face. I could taste the salt tears in my mouth now. It were tears of anger, despair and self hate.

‘Suicide!’ the little voice said. “No, no , no !” I whispered to myself. ‘Suicide, no pain , no guilt just freedom!’

Maybe the little voice was right! No pain anymore, no humiliating confession and no one who can turn their backs to me. I tried to get up properly and walked my way further still not knowing where I was or where to go. I tried to consetrate on the area around me. Even though it was dark I could see that I was surrounded by many trees. So this must be the forest near by the village I lived in. For a moment I stopped my walk and tried to control my breath. Every where were weird sounds around me that probably would have scared me if I was alone in a forest but right now I couldn't care less about the stupid scary weird sounds around me. I had other things to worry about.

*Flash Back*

“Please, please don’t hurt me!”
“Oh no, tell me why not?”
“I did nothing wrong!”
“Nothing wrong?. Honey, everything about you is wrong!”
“Please, it wont happen again!”
“No it wont, no and I’m gonna help you with that, you little whore!”
”please daddy, I’ll be really nice, I promise!”
“Oh yeah, and since when do you obey?”
“here this is what you need, you useless bitch……………………"

Countless times I wished for a real dad, a dad who took you with you to the zoo or the playground. But all what my old man could do was shouting at me and beating the shit out of me! I still don’t know what I did wrong. I tried so hard to be perfect but still it wasn't good enough for him, I still was the little whore , the useless bitch. It all started 7 years ago, for some how daddy started drinking, more and more. I tried to remember moments that he was sober. But actually I couldn't think of one single moment.

The stupid thing is I really thought it was my fault and for some how it still feels like that. But I know better, It wasn't. He had me in his power and I did everything he said. It was over now, I'd never have to hear his evil voice again, never! It was over for good.

After a couple of minutes walking I reached a small old bridge that was almost completely rotten. It looked dangerous but I had nothing to lose so I stepped on the brigde. When I was in the middle of the dirty bridge I stopped and looked down for a minute. It was very high and someone who jumped of that bridge would not survive , I can tell you that.

‘Suicide ’

“Useless bitch!”

‘Freedom!’

“you are born to suck!”

‘No pain.’

“Everything about you is wrong, oh hell I wish you were never born!”

‘Suicide, common honey, do it!’

I stood there frozen. A part of me screamed to jump over that railing but another part said that I still had a second change. A change to explain why I did it.But the question was, would they understand?

I stepped over the railing , still not knowing if I should listen or not. Just to know how it felt to be on the edge of life and death. The wind blew through my hair. I closed my eyes and take a deep breath. It felt good, it felt free. ”Freedom” I whispered and before I knew I was flying, flying like a bird. Like nothing else mattered. Freedom! I didn't care about the other possibility. This felt so good, even though I didn't how it would end. I was not a loser! I beat my worst enemy's. Fear. Shame. My Dad. It was worth it, every second it was worth it! I know this was gonna be my death but again it was worth it. Freedom.

I'm grateful to die
to live once again
I'm fearless to fly
and reach for the end