Inside a Dangerous Mind

Edward races from the office, running straight into Emmett, who is lounging casually against the car.

Emmett: What’s wrong Dude? You look like shit.
Edward: Growls. Get in the car. We have to leave now.
Emmett: Why?
Edward: I have to leave this place immediately before I do something truly catastrophic! Why, oh why is this happening to me? Is this some form of punishment for what I have become!?
Emmett: Why?
Edward: Glowers in annoyance. You cannot fathom the severity of the situation I find myself in brother.
Emmett: Did they catch you jacking off in the bathroom again?
Edward: Why I have never! How you can even think such things Emmett!
Emmett: You really should, bro
Edward: To even joke about such atrocities Emmett! Really! Stop thinking such distasteful things, I do not want to see that!
Emmett: Can you at least speak English? I have no idea what you've just said.
Edward: You have no concept of the kind of pain I am in right now! The sins that my body is betraying me towards!
Emmett: Yeah jacking off in the bathroom can be quite painful.
Edward: Ugh! I cannot talk to you! Where is Alice? We must hurry home before I do irreparable damage!
Emmett: I don't think you should talk to Alice about these things...I know you're close and stuff, but still...
Edward: Emmett really! Sometimes the way you're mind works truly disturbs me!
Emmett: It's just a little fun, Edward. Guys around the world do it all the time. Can you be any more of a drama queen?
Edward: I would hardly deem this as mere drama! This could mean the end of everything we know! I might have, oh, but I can barely speak of the atrocity!
Emmett: OK, Edward. What is that ASTROCITY you're talking about? Things got a little leaky? Someone walked in on you? What?
Edward: I almost killed! A mere human girl, so fragile and I was barely able to refrain from taking her life right in front of our equally delicate classmates like a rogue monster barely in control of my own actions!
Emmett: Laughs. Killed? Come on, Edward. You cried for a week after accidentally squashing a fly. Killed! Ha!
Edward: Of course I did! How I could lose control like that! It was completely inexcusable behaviour! I should have better controlled myself. I should be punished. Flings self into drivers seat of car with a heavy sigh.
Emmett: Yeah, yeah, I know. You're a monster. I dunno how you look at yourself in the mirror after that tragedy. That fly could've have a family, little kiddie flies. And a home and you destroyed all his hopes and dreams.
Edward: Oh God! He had a family! We have to leave NOW! I must purge myself immediately! Please stop thinking about the event, it plays itself enough within my own mind!
Emmett: I was- I was kidding...Dude, you have some issues. Really.

Alice skips up to the car with Rosalie and Jasper following slowly in her wake

Alice: Edward! You didn't, right? Oh I barely kept myself in class when I saw! Jasper had to restrain me!
Emmett: That's just dirty!
Edward: You should have come after me! Perhaps you could have destroyed me to prevent further harm to those around me! I'm nothing but a nuisance to society, a monster!
Rosalie: What now? Another fly, Edward?
Edward: Oh how I wish it were but a fly! Perhaps I might be able to consider staying if that were the case!
Jasper: Sends cool soothing vibes
Alice: I thought you might head towards that conclusion. I saw it, you know.
Rosalie: Yay for Alice's super powers.
Alice: Scowls.
Edward: Stop it at once Jasper! I hardly deserve any sort of reprieve for the thoughts my mind has conjured! I deserve every moment of pain they create for me plus more!
Emmett: Yeah, that's kinda annoying, Jasper.
Alice: Don't be unkind Emmett. He's just trying to help, I can hardly say the same for you. And forget about stealing Edward's sweater tonight, I'm going to move it.
Edward: Thank you Alice, you are too kind to me. I deserve naught of it
Emmett: I was trying too help but he just kept on whining about this girl and jacking off. Shrug
Edward: I was NOT jacking off, as you say! Truly Emmett! Please cease those mental images that you insist on conjuring within my presence! You know how I feel about them!
Emmett: Whispers to Rose. He was too.
Edward: It is one thing to lie but to speak of such abhorrence’s in front of the ladies is completely unacceptable and offensive! You should be ashamed!
Emmett: Oh please, Alice probably saw it anyway.
Edward: She saw nothing of the sort! I swear to you Alice, I don't know what has come over Emmett to be so convinced of this action, but it is as far from the truth as can be. I don't know why you wish to torture me so Emmett. What did I do to deserve your wrath? Not that I deserve anything better…
Emmett: Didn't you say you were a monster?
Alice: Way to bring it up again, idiot!
Jasper: sends cool soothing vibes
Rosalie: Don't call him an idiot, freak!
Edward: Stop this sordid arguing! I'm hardly worthy of your emotions! I wish I could rid you all of my presence, perhaps then you two would better get along. It is more than clear that I am the issue here. I shall disappear this night and not return.
Emmett: In case you didn't notice cause you were too busy whining over a fly, they were arguing about me and I am worthy of their emotions so shut up and let them mud wrestle!
Alice: Edward, please! I've seen other options. You have choices
Emmett: Just jack off at home, less trouble...Unless being watched is your thing...
Alice: Emmett, stop placing you fantasies upon Edward, he has more than enough to deal with right now. Perhaps you could try to be a little bit more compassionate, I know that it's a stretch, but please. Oh yes, and I saw what you're planning for next week and unless you want me to tell Rosalie, you better stop harassing Edward.
Emmett: hangs head in shame
Edward: Please Alice, I don't need you sympathy, or deserve it. I'm leaving tonight. Please don't try to follow me.
Rosalie: For goodness sake, Edward! The rest of us don't have freaking super powers! What caused this pity parade this time? Someone called you pale again?
Edward: Oh how I wish it were but such a trivial matter! Oh Rose, you will think so low of me if I tell you. Sighs. I cannot...
Rosalie: Well, it couldn't be any worse then me thinking you were jacking off in the bathroom, could it?
Edward: Oh the shame!
Emmett: Which he was
Alice: Emmett...
Emmett: OK, OK!
Rosalie: Edward, just say it! I'm sure I can handle your little misfortune!
Edward: Dearest Rose, I know you will think less of me after you receive this knowledge, and I understand completely! I deserve nothing less than your scorn. I-oh, I am so ashamed-I almost killed today! I wish I were stronger, but the pull of her blood, it was so strong! I was barely able to control myself enough to not launch at her
Rosalie: Edward, we've been through this before. Even humans kill flies occasionally
Alice: Rose, it was a girl. He tried to kill her because her blood smelt so appealing to him
Edward: Lays head in hands in shame
Rosalie:....
Alice: Puts hand on Edward's shoulder Oh Edward, no one blames you. It is a natural reaction. The important thing is that you resisted!
Emmett: ARE YOU INSANE?!
Rosalie: You could've ruin everything! And I assume other people saw it?
Edward: You think I don't realize the severity of the situation?! I cannot stop the disastrous thoughts from racking my brain, the images replaying themselves over and over again like a never-ending video that I cannot find the remote for!
Jasper: Sends cool soothing vibes
Rosalie: And the girl?...Did she realize what you are? And the others? God, Edward!
Emmett: Mutters. Idiot.
Edward: No, I was able to refrain, although I'm sure that I've frightened her beyond repair. God, I'm a monster.
Rosalie: You're lucky mortals are horribly stupid. I think it's best for you to leave the town
Alice: Don't help Rose! Edward don't leave! Esme will be devastated! I can see that you have enough strength to deal with this. You must stay. You will not kill her, you must believe this Edward!
Rosalie: I think she'll agree it would be best for him at this point. He can hunt for a while, maybe shop a little.
Emmett: Finally get laid
Alice: If he's going shopping then I'm going with him...
Jasper: Can I go to? I need something to match my new soothing vibes
Alice: Sure you can sweetheart
Edward: No Alice, please, don't try to stop me from leaving. None of you can stop me.
Emmett: I'll help you pack
Edward: Thank you Emmett, that's kind of you. A kindness I do not deserve.
Alice: Just stop it. We're going home and we'll talk to Carlisle about this. He will help you Edward. Carlisle can fix everything.
Emmett: Except for that kitchen table Edward wrecked.
Alice: Emmett, please!
Edward: No he's right. I destroy everything I touch. I must leave immediately.
Rosalie: He's right, Alice. I know you see things and shit but he should leave until the human forgets what she saw. Shouldn't be that long, they're foolish creatures.
Edward: Sighs. Alas, Rosalie is right. Let us return home immediately before the rest of the humans finish class and see me. I do not think that I can resist should I see her again. I'm just so weak...
Emmett: Maybe if you ask her nicely, she might put out. I mean, you're OK looking and you could offer her money or something.
Edward: I do not want to have relations like that with her Emmett! Can you not sense the seriousness of the situation?! Can you not grasp the severity of what might happen if I do not leave immediately?! Sometimes I wonder why Rosalie stays with you...perhaps it is pity
Emmett: That's cold, man. Real cold.
Edward: I'm sorry brother. You're right. I disgust myself. Can you find it within your, erm, heart, to forgive me? Though I hardly deserve forgiveness…
Emmett: I don't know if I can, Edward. The wound in my heart won't stop bleeding. Rolls eyes
Edward: I feared as much...I really am a monster, destroying everything I touch. You should all stay as far as possible from me, for fear that I should hurt you! I'm a menace!
Rosalie: Everyone just get into the car!
Jasper: Sings under his breath. Time to get busy, such a lot to do. Building and fixing till it's good as new...