Inside a Dangerous Mind

Edward stomps into the kitchen, arms crossed, with a loud huff

Esme: Honey, could you please play the piano for me?
Edward: Oh mother! I simply cannot fathom sitting down to play for you this evening. My soul seems more missing than usual and it's all my very own fault! You'll never guess what dreadfulness occurred this afternoon while at the educational institution!
Esme: Oh Edward, I happen to love your soul very much. It's a very fine soul if you ask me.
Edward: It's this very soul that is damned to hell for all of eternity should I ever escape this existence. Oh mother! I am a failure, a black hole sucking everyone I know into it with me!
Esme: Oh Edward, look at the bright side; black brings out your beautiful eyes.
Edward: My eyes are nothing but the windows into my soulless body, the entry way into the knowledge that I am naught but evil in its most purest form! I wish I could die!
Esme: Speaking of which, do you remember whose turn it is to clean the windows? Emmett lost the chores chart. Again.
Edward: Does fate see no end to the punishment it seeks to bestow upon me? Is it not enough that my soul burns in hell for all of eternity?! Now I must print up the fourth copy of the chores chart because Emmett has miraculously lost it, again!
Esme: Oh Edward, you make that sound so horrible. Lighten up, honey. At least we'll be burning together like a good united family. And at least this time he actually told me he lost it, he's getting better at this.
Edward: Oh mother, he will never truly understand the pain that afflicts my missing heart, the sword that constantly plunges itself into the empty abyss that should contain a soul...oh how cruel the universe is. I wish I could have died in the midst of that dreadful influenza!
Esme: Sword?...Edward, have you been playing Emmett's new video game?
Alice: Oh hello mother, I see that Edward is still here. I feared that you might have already left. Is there no way we can change your mind?
Esme: Of course Edward is still here, he was about to show me how to get to level 3 in Emmett's new game.
Edward: I'm so dreadfully sorry mother, that seems an impossibility for Alice is correct. I must leave at once. I am an abomination who has no more control than a wild animal! Perhaps Emmett would be so kind as to instruct you in the art of video games, he is far superior than I in that respect.
Esme: I will have none of that, Edward. You must stay! And besides Emmett cheats…
Alice: Really Edward, I think you are overreacting. You hardly need to leave. As I've already told you, you're not going to eat the girl!
Edward: Perhaps he will consent to play by the rules now that I am gone. It is likely I that have caused his need to cheat.
Esme: gasps Eat what girl?! Have you been playing too, Alice?
Edward: Alas, I wish it were but a game mother. flings himself down into one of the kitchen chairs in despair
Alice: He met the new girl at school today. Her blood particularly appealed to him and he had a hard time resisting her, but he did! smiles triumphantly
Jasper: sends cool soothing vibes from upstairs
Alice: Thanks Jazz! Smiles at roof
Esme: Aw our Edward finally found a mate! Invite her over, honey! I'm sure she's lovely. We all were human once, nothing to be ashamed of.
Edward Mother! I cannot simply invite her over for dinner, lest she become/b] dinner! I cannot control myself around her! Hence my need for immediate departure!
Alice: Are you listening to me at all?! I said you weren't going to eat her!
Esme: Oh my, I was afraid it was time for THE talk. Well, Edward...When the bee likes the flower and the flower likes the bee...They naturally..erm...bond.
Alice: mutters Geez! You would think that I was merely guessing at something rather than stating a fact!
Esme: No need for that, Alice. We all know you're gifted. What did I say about being humble and kind to these of us that can't see the future.
Edward: Mother, please?!! This is not the time for the "talk"! I know all about whispers sex, shivers I've seen it all, a thousand times over in Emmett's thoughts! It looks absolutely dreadful!
Esme: It is never time for THE talk. You never have times to talk to your mother nowadays, how do you think it makes me feel sobs And stop spying on your brother sniffs
Edward: I can hardly be blamed for this! I do not tell him to think such atrocities while in my presence! He does it on purpose!
Alice: He is right about that. Emmett does seem quite prone to thinking about sex when he's around Edward. He actually plans it out in advance most of the time. shakes head
Edward: He's doing it right now! I can hear him! Tell him to stop mother!
Alice: Whispers to Edward He plans on stealing your John Mayer CD’s tonight, so you should probably move them.
Esme; It wouldn't kill you to be nicer to Emmett. Both of you.
Edward: Mutters darkly I wish it would.
Esme: That's all I ever hear in this house!
Edward: That's just because you can't hear everyone's thoughts! I cannot be blamed for Emmett's inability to properly articulate his thoughts in words such as Alice and I are capable of .
Esme: Oh honey, if I didn't know you better, I would've thought you're upset about something.
Edward: Of course I am upset mother! I almost fell off the delicate balance that is control! I almost failed everyone all because of a silly human girl who was able to weaken my defenses in mere seconds!
Esme: Honey, that’s what love is all about. Losing control, letting go. It's a good thing, sweetie. Who is this lovely young thing, Edward?
Alice: She’s mortal.
Edward: Mother! I cannot afford to 'let go' around her! I'll kill her! I must hold myself rigidly within control lest I should become a lesser creature than I already am! I must escape this place immediately and find solace in solidarity
Esme: Oh well, we all have our bad traits. And don't call yourself a creature, mister! You are a fine young man. This girl is the luckiest thing in the world to be worthy of your attention!
Edward: Hardly! She is being damned to hell!
Esme: Oh, so she’s Catholic. That’s ok.
Edward: I cannot stand to tarnish her unsuspecting person. I must leave at once mother. This is my final adieu.
Alice: Stop being so dramatic Edward! Just wait until Carlisle comes home
Esme: You can't leave. Today is our scrabble night, I don't want to pair with Emmett again
Edward: I fear that you may have to partner with Emmett for now on mother. I do not plan to return
Esme: Don't be silly, Edward. Listen to your sister.
Edward: Father will be home in thirteen seconds. Twelve.
Alice: He’s going to agree with me.
Edward: I doubt that sister. Father is a very compassionate man, far more than I shall ever hope to be. He will see my pain for what it is and allow me to escape this torture that I inflict upon all of you
Carlisle: Good evening to you all. Did I hear something about pain? Where?
Edward: Father, I must leave immediately. I have failed the family and you.
Esme: Tell him Carlisle, tell him he's wrong. Tell him we love him for he refuses to listen to me.
Edward: You cannot persuade me mother. I have made my decision - surely you can see that Alice?
Alice: Huffs indignantly Of course I can.
Carlisle: Edward, I trust you decision but I must ask you to reconsider.
Edward: Impossible. I leave tonight.
Esme: But it’s scrabble night!
Carlisle: We’ve been waiting all week!
Edward: It seems I do nothing but disappoint the members of this family. Perhaps I never truly belonged, a freak among monsters! Not that I'm calling any of you monsters! Only myself.
Carlisle: Edward, let us help you. Don't go through this alone. We have been your family for the past 100 years. Let us in.
Alice: He seems very set on leaving tonight. I don't think we'll change his mind. I'll partner you tonight mother, I'll let you know what Emmett plans on putting down, you know he never uses real words anyways.
Edward: That is a kind suggestion father, but one that I cannot accept. Please excuse me while I pack but a few of my more materialistic possessions Begins to walk out of kitchen
Esme: clings to Edward’s arm NO! You mustn't! I won't let you!
Carlisle: Esme…
Esme: No!
Edward: Mother please! Don't make this harder than it has to be.
Alice: He's right. Just give it up. I can see that this is really going nowhere. Don't worry though Mom, he'll be back in a couple of days. You know he can't last on his own
Esme: Well think how I must feel! My son is running away from home! I'm a failure!
Edward: Oh see what I've done! It is not YOU who is the failure, it is I! You will all be better off without me! Wipes at a tear that does not exist.
Esme: mutters Oh my son. My pretty boy.
Emmett: What about me huh?! We can hear you over here!
Carlisle: He's not a boy, darling. He's almost 110 year old
Alice: That reminds me, I must start planning that party...
Esme: Alice! How can you think of parties at times like these! The world as we know it falls apart right under our noses!
Alice: Does no one listen to me?! Am I invisible?! I said he'd be back in a week!!!
Emmett: If you ever let him leave.
Carlisle: Emmett, please. It's the way the Stephenie thought is best for all of us. I'm sure the Stephenie sees the bigger picture better then any of us. No offence, Alice.
Edward: See! Do you see now? Ha! I'm going to go pack! Prances up the stairs, singing. I win, I win…
Esme: Sobs No! Oh be still my heart!
Carlisle…
Esme: I know! I know! No pun intended.

Twenty seconds later the front door slams shut.

Edward: See you all in a week!