I Heart You
Why do I always do this to myself?
I'm pathetic.
I'm pathetic and I know it. Maybe that's the pathetic thing...
I don't know. Maybe the pathetic thing is that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy, but I've got no reason to be. It makes me feel kind of guilty. My life is supposed to be awfully terrible, but no, my life really isn't that bad if you really think about it. I know that a ton of people probably have it a lot worse than I do. So than why aren't I a happier person?
----------
"AMIELIA!"
I'm jerked back to reality by my teacher's shrill voice. She reminds me of a slug on helium...if slugs could talk. I must have fallen asleep in class. Again.
I raise my head.
"Sorry Mrs. Lenna. I'm just not feeling very well today."
The pity story. Always works.
"Very well Amielia. Just please try to pay more attention in class."
And she believes me. See, this is exactly the problem with teachers. They always assume that because a student is always unhappy, they must be having some terrible problem at home. Which just makes me feel even more guilty. I live with my mom and my dad. It's not as if they're abusive or anything like that. In fact, they're really really nice. But i just never really had that sort of relationship with my mom that other girls had...you know, where they say they can tell their mom everything? And when they say everything, they mean EVERYTHING. I never had that. She was never a bad listener, I just never felt like I could talk to her. But the more I think about it, the more I seem whiney and self absorbed. Maybe I'm too anylitical. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
-----------------
I walk out of history and stop by my locker. Ask any kid at this school and they'll tell you who I am: Nobody. It's not as if I'm labled as the 'emo' kid, or the 'freak' or 'goth' or anything like that. But that's the problem. I'm not labled as anything. I don't even exist. That's why I was so surprised in history, when Mrs. Lenna woke me up. See, I'm not used to being noticed by anybody. Not my parents, not the kids at my school, not my teachers. I'm self absorbed, pathetic, and boring. I've come to terms with it. It's just one of those facts of life, like "Santa Clause isn't real" or "Tom Cruis is a freak." Just something everyone knows.
------------------
I walk outside to sit down under the tree in the courtyard to eat my lunch. By myself, as usual. Except this time, there's some one else sitting under the tree. My tree.
I'm pathetic and I know it. Maybe that's the pathetic thing...
I don't know. Maybe the pathetic thing is that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy, but I've got no reason to be. It makes me feel kind of guilty. My life is supposed to be awfully terrible, but no, my life really isn't that bad if you really think about it. I know that a ton of people probably have it a lot worse than I do. So than why aren't I a happier person?
----------
"AMIELIA!"
I'm jerked back to reality by my teacher's shrill voice. She reminds me of a slug on helium...if slugs could talk. I must have fallen asleep in class. Again.
I raise my head.
"Sorry Mrs. Lenna. I'm just not feeling very well today."
The pity story. Always works.
"Very well Amielia. Just please try to pay more attention in class."
And she believes me. See, this is exactly the problem with teachers. They always assume that because a student is always unhappy, they must be having some terrible problem at home. Which just makes me feel even more guilty. I live with my mom and my dad. It's not as if they're abusive or anything like that. In fact, they're really really nice. But i just never really had that sort of relationship with my mom that other girls had...you know, where they say they can tell their mom everything? And when they say everything, they mean EVERYTHING. I never had that. She was never a bad listener, I just never felt like I could talk to her. But the more I think about it, the more I seem whiney and self absorbed. Maybe I'm too anylitical. Maybe I'm just going crazy.
-----------------
I walk out of history and stop by my locker. Ask any kid at this school and they'll tell you who I am: Nobody. It's not as if I'm labled as the 'emo' kid, or the 'freak' or 'goth' or anything like that. But that's the problem. I'm not labled as anything. I don't even exist. That's why I was so surprised in history, when Mrs. Lenna woke me up. See, I'm not used to being noticed by anybody. Not my parents, not the kids at my school, not my teachers. I'm self absorbed, pathetic, and boring. I've come to terms with it. It's just one of those facts of life, like "Santa Clause isn't real" or "Tom Cruis is a freak." Just something everyone knows.
------------------
I walk outside to sit down under the tree in the courtyard to eat my lunch. By myself, as usual. Except this time, there's some one else sitting under the tree. My tree.