Underneath It All

I spent the past week continuously staring out my window or sitting out on my porch. I’ve noticed a pattern in Lilly’s life, and each day I was hoping to intervene someway in her daily routine and actually go talk to her. Every morning for the past four days, she would walk over to the Sinclair house at 11am. She usually spent a good hour in there, and would eventually come out with a bouncy little girl. They would either walk around the neighborhood or Lilly would walk back to her house and drive off in a car.

After a few hours, they would return and Lilly wouldn’t go straight home. No, she would go straight to the guard’s box. I always felt a surge of jealousy and anger when I would see the two together. They would never do anything; like touch, kiss or even hug. They just talked for hours on end and laugh about the smallest things. I wish my feet would work for once so I can stand up and talk to her. It had been over a week since we last seen each other face to face, didn’t she care? Or didn’t I supposedly care enough to work things out? I kept blaming this all on me when in the end it wasn’t even my fault.

Kevin kept rubbing his nose into my business and he tried telling me to forget about it, move on. I would normally have every intention to tell Kevin off; clearly what does he know? Though, I kept my mouth shut since Kevin yelled at Joe for a good hour on what a horrible brother he was to me. I enjoyed that, and it was probably the only time I smiled in months. But, now that’s all in the past. I don’t care about what Joe did, all I care about is thinking up ways to at least talk to Lilly. I would be just happy enough if she talked to me, and maybe wanted to be friends again. We wouldn’t have to rush into a relationship, even though I am hoping and praying for that to happen.

“Nicholas, can you do me a favor please?” I turned around and saw my mom standing by the front door. I nodded my head in acknowledgement for her to continue talking. “Can you take Frankie across the street please? He wants to play with Alana.”

“Can’t someone else do that?” I asked.

“Frankie wants you to take him,” she replied. “Please, Nicholas?” I sighed and stood up from my current seat.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. Frankie came bouncing out of the house with a smile on his face. I quickly flashed my younger brother a smile and took his hand. We were at the sidewalk and I was about to step onto the street when Frankie put his hand out.

“Wait,” he said. “We have to look both ways.” I rolled my eyes and lazily looked to my left, then to my right. It was clear of cars, and Frankie was satisfied as he pulled on my hand towards Alana’s house. I wondered how Lilly would feel not only watching Alana, but Frankie as well. I wondered if I should stay and offer my help, how would she feel about that? Should I even ask?

Frankie ran up to the door and knocked on it five times. I held my breath in, waiting for the door to open. After ten seconds I picked Frankie up so he could ring the doorbell himself. He happily placed his small pointer finger on the button and I heard the friendly chime ring inside. I heard footsteps walk towards the door and I took a step back. When the door opened, I saw Lilly’s smile quickly fade.

“Oh, hi Frankie,” she said bending down to look at Frankie. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to play with Alana,” Frankie said, “Can I?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Lilly said standing up. “Nicholas.” Frankie ran past her and into the house. One simple word was all she said to me. Should I even ask to stay?

“Um, er, do you need any help watching the two of them?” I asked.

“Not really,” she said while she leaned on the door. “According to Alana’s magazines Frankie is just a normal seven year old boy that’s just a bit on the hyper side. Some TV and toys is all I need if I want quiet.”

“Oh,” I replied. I scratched my arm nervously as I looked at her. “So…” She sighed loudly and crossed her arms.

“Do you want to stay or not?” she asked. “Do you trust me alone with your brother?”

“Well, yeah,” I replied. “But we’re not even paying you. That’s not really fair.”

“It’s cool,” she said. “These people pay me enough to watch three kids anyways.”

“Oh,” I said. “Um… can I stay? Is that…okay?” I asked nervously. I couldn’t even say a sentence around her. I felt like a moron.

“Uh, I don’t know,” she said. This time it was her turn to act nervous. She stopped looking at me and started playing with the deadbolt on the door. “If you’re busy or something you don’t have to stay. Frankie shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Well, the question is whether you want me to be here or not,” I said. “It’s your call.”

“Whatever Nicholas,” she said. “I don’t care, come in if you want. Just don’t touch anything.” She walked into the house, leaving the door open and me standing there. I hesitated for a split second and walked in, closing the door behind me. The house resembled mine greatly, except the decoration. It was vintage and everything looked expensive. I was afraid to touch anything.

I sat down on a chair that was furthest away from Lilly. She had her feet up on the table in front of her as she watched TV. I was afraid to say anything because I didn’t want to mess anything up and sound stupid.

“Why are you even here?” she asked suddenly. “I mean why’d you move here? Did Jason tell you I moved here?”

“No.”

“But that’s such a big coincidence,” she said not believing me. “I am supposed to be in Iraq or some third world country, but I end up here on choice. Then all of a sudden, you and your family move here. Tell me that’s not a coincidence.”

“When you say it like that,” I said, “It sounds like I’m stalker or something, but I’m not.” I looked down at the carpet that was covering half of the living room. “Mom all of a sudden wanted to move back to Texas.”

“Hm,” Lilly said. She blew her bangs out of her eyes as she continued to stare at the TV.

“When did you get bangs?” I asked. “They look…nice.” She stared at me for a split second.

“Last month,” she said. “You noticed.” She had surprise written all over her face.

“Why wouldn’t I notice?” I asked. “I notice everything you do, say and wear.” Lilly shifted in her seat and put her knees close to her chest, still gazing at the television. I clearly had made her either feel uncomfortable or just pissed her off even more.

“Why don’t you hate me or something?” she asked. “I know I probably screwed your mind up and made you hate girls. But I don’t take full blame if you all of a sudden turn gay.” I smiled at her.

“I’m not gay nor do I hate girls,” I replied. “I just wanted to – er, well I keep having this dream and I’m afraid that it’ll come true.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It’s of you coming back, but you keep telling me you’d rather be with Joe.” Lilly let out a laugh which made me lean back in the couch since I wasn’t expecting that.

“Don’t be so stupid,” she said. “I don’t like Joe at all. He’s so abnormal. Plus I seem to have a thing for younger guys anyways.”

“You do?” I asked.

“Well not really,” she said shutting the TV off and turning to face me fully. “According to magazines and things I do. They can’t even get the facts right. I hate younger guys; they’re so lame and inexperienced.” She laughed again to herself and continued, “Anyways, I just, well now that you’re back, can we just…I mean where do we go now? I’m going to be honest, it is weird having you back. And I mean really weird. I wasn’t expecting to see you ever again.”

“I was hoping to see you again,” I said. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“You know that letter you wrote?” I asked.

“Oh,” she said laughing nervously, “About that. I kinda wrote that at the last moment before I left, so I might have said some things I may or may not mean.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. “Are you talking about the part where you said you love me, but want me to forget about it if it’s going to cause me pain?”

“I wrote that?” she asked. She pursed her lips out and raised her eyebrow. “Oh.”

“Yes you did,” I said getting frustrated. “Do you even care about me? Or did you just break up with me for your own selfish needs?”

“I was not being selfish,” she shot back. “I was being stupid I guess. I’d rather lie to you about my dad forcing me to leave because I didn’t want you to hate him. I love my daddy even though he was a jerk, but he probably meant well.”

“He didn’t mean well,” I said. “Your dad was just trying controlling your life. He hated me, and don’t deny it, he-”

“No, Nicholas,” she said cutting me off. “You don’t understand anything. My dad never hated you; he wanted what was best for you. He told me to my face you deserve much better than me, so I continued to think in that way.”

“Then how can you continue to say you love him when he can’t even say one nice thing towards you?” I asked. “He doesn’t know what’s best for me, only I do. And you make me happy, you-”

“No Nicholas!” she shouted. “I will never make you happy, and I don’t want to make you happy. Why can’t you just move on? What will it take for you to leave me alone?”

“Just tell me to get out of your life and I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll leave you alone and never bother you again.” Ten minutes ago I would have literally smacked myself for blurting this out, but I had a gut feeling she wouldn’t admit it. Somewhere, deep down she still cared and for once I had fate on my side.

“Ugh,” she groaned. “I want to leave.”

“You want me to leave?”

“No, I want to personally leave,” she said. “Alana is like nowhere to be found and this conversation bores me.”

“You didn’t really answer my statement,” I said. “Do you want me to get out of your life?”

“Can you just stop asking it, you already know the answer. No I do not want you out of my life because you are the only person that keeps me sane. You are the only person that really ever understood me and even if were nothing but acquaintances, I can live with that.”

“You could have said that sooner,” I said with a small smile on my face. Lilly looked over me with an unsure look on her face but opened her mouth to speak.

“Do you know how bad I’ve felt for the past few months?” she asked. “You weren’t the only one going through hardships, I was too.”

“You were?” I asked. I didn’t want to show how shocked I was hearing that come out of her mouth. She was the last person I would ever expect to be going through ‘hardships.’

“Yeah. Anyways, I eventually met that Kyle guy,” she said, “And he may seem like a moron, but he’s really not. I never told him specifically what was up my ass for being bitchy to everyone, but by him just being there I started feeling better. It just sucks that I got this job babysitting the biggest Joe/Kevin fan.”

“She’s not a Nick fan?” I asked.

“Not really,” she replied. “She thinks you’re too sad all the time. I swear she was trying to guilt me into saying that I was the one that made you like that. She even got a hold of some of your unreleased songs or something like that.” I laughed. “Not funny. Did you really write a song about me?”

“I did,” I replied honestly. “It’s supposed to be on our album coming out soon. I wanted to play it for you, but I didn’t want you to hear it at the same time.”

“So making this clear, it was just one song right?”

“Uhh...sure,” I lied. I subconsciously rubbed the back of my neck while I looked straight ahead at a photograph of Alana.

“You’re lying! You’re doing that neck rubbing thing. How many songs?” she asked.

“I told you just one,” I said trying not to make it seem as if I was lying.

“Don’t make me pull on your curls,” she said standing up.

“I’m not lying,” I said placing my hands on top of my head. “And don’t pull on my curls, I like my hair.”

“Fine,” Lilly said. “Just tell me the truth, how many?”

“Four,” I said. Lilly laughed and went to sit back down.

“Four?” she said rather cockily. “Why four?”

“I wrote a bunch of songs and those four made it on the album,” I replied.

“Can I hear them?” she asked.

“No,” I said quickly, “You have to wait like everyone else.”

“Oh that’s bullshit Nicholas,” she said. “I bet all of those little Disney friends of yours heard it.”

“You said Alana played you some of our songs?” I asked curiously. Lilly nodded her head. “Are you sure it’s our new stuff?”

“That’s what the brat said. She downloaded it or something. Can you imagine a little six year old knows how to download music and Joe can’t even get his damn license?” I laughed out loud.

“How do you know its new songs though?” I asked.

“She told me,” she replied. “And trust me, I’ve heard your whole self-titled album millions of times, and those songs are definitely not on there. I know the title of one song though since Joe whines it a lot.”

“What’s the name?”

“Sorry,” she said. I smiled. “Uh, what?”

“Nothing, it’s just that is one of our new songs and I can’t believe it was leaked.”

“So you smile?” she asked confused. “I don’t remember you being this stupid.” I laughed sarcastically.

“I’m not being stupid,” I said. “I just find it funny, plus you said Joe has the whiney voice.”

“He does sometimes,” she said. “Well not as much as you, but he still whines.”

“Now I have a whiney voice?” I asked. “Thanks a lot.”

“You’re welcome,” she said.

“Oh Silly Lilly!”

“Fuck,” Lilly muttered while Alana came running down the hall towards the living room. “What?”

“Frankie and I are bored,” she said. “Take us out.” I was flabbergasted at the guts this little girl had. She was way ruder than Lilly and demanding as well. I was also expecting Lilly to go bonkers on her and tell her to shut up or something.

“Uh, why?” she asked. “Go play in the backyard.”

“But Lilly!” She stomped her foot and jumped up and down. “Please? Nick, make your girlfriend take us out.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Lilly snapped.

“Well whoever he is, can you make Lilly change her mind?” Alana asked looking at me. I looked over at Lilly who had pissed written all over her face.

“Fine! Get your shoes on and be down here in two minutes,” Lilly said. Alana smiled deviously at Lilly and went running upstairs shouting Frankie’s name. I hoped Alana wasn’t being a bad influence on Frankie. I would probably get the blame even though it was his idea to come over here.

“Is she a bad kid?” I asked.

“Not really,” Lilly said standing up. “She’s a brat, but she’s not going to turn Frankie into a demon child or anything, so calm down.” I stood up as well and shoved my hands in my back pockets.

“Is there a park around here?” I asked.

“Yeah, but it’s not that cool,” Lilly said as Frankie and Alana came running down the hall and out the front door. “Go outside while I punch in the code.” I listened to what Lilly said, while Frankie and Alana were already halfway down the block.

“Um, where are they going?” I asked.

“Past my place,” Lilly said casually as she walked ahead of me, following behind the two kids.

“So I’m finally going to see your place?” I asked.

“Nope,” she said. “You can’t find out what house I live in.”

“I hope you know I recognize the car you drive,” I said.

“And I hope you know that stalking is illegal,” she said. “In a few years you could be thrown in the penitentiary.”

“I don’t stalk you,” I said trying to hide my face that was getting hot.

“Whatever Nicholas,” she said. “I see you looking out your window or staring at me from your porch. I’m not that stupid.”

“That’s not stalking though,” I retorted.

“You’re watching me is stalking enough,” she said. She finally stopped walking and looked at me. “You know what, I’m sorry but this is really weird being around you again. You can go to the park with the kids if you want, I just can’t be around you. I may look like nothing is wrong, but inside I’m beating myself up trying to keep my composure.”

“How can you say you want me in your life when you’re basically telling me to go home?” I asked. “You don’t know how much that hurt me what you just said. I’ll go if you want me to, but if you even want to salvage a friendship, you are going to need to try harder.”

“You have to admit being together is weird,” she said quietly. “I-I just can’t handle this. It’s too sudden and you’re acting like nothing is wrong. You’re not even yelling at me, what’s wrong with you?”

“Why do you want me to yell at you?” I asked. “I would never yell at you. I actually care about you and I don’t normally yell at the people I care about.”

“Then show some sort of emotion,” she said. “I’ll see you around Nicholas.” Lilly turned around and quickly walked over to where Alana and Frankie were standing.

I stood there standing like a moron. This was the third time Lilly has run away from me and I was starting to get frustrated. My feelings were in the way of seeing clearly. Three times is one time too many for me and I should forget about her for good, since her intentions clearly show that she just doesn’t care anymore. I wish I could listen to myself rather than my heart. Of course my heart had other plans in mind, since I found myself walking home. I opened the front door and started looking for one of my parents. I found my mom first and walked up to her.

“Mom?”

“Yes Nicholas?”

“Um, do you know the Sanchez family?” I asked. “You know the one that lives somewhere around here.”

“Yes, I do,” she said. “What about them?”

“Can we invite them for dinner or something?” I asked. “It’s actually Lilly’s family that lives there.”

“Lilly?” my mother asked happily. “Your girlfriend? Oh this is wonderful! Did you know she lived here?”

“No, I haven’t talked to her since we broke up,” I said. “Remember we broke up since she had to leave?”

“Oh, sorry sweetie,” my mom said placing her hand under my chin. “But of course we can invite them over. Do you want to tell or her shall I call up her father?”

“It’s actually her grandfather,” I corrected her, “And can you do it please? I want to get something for dinner.”

“Are you volunteering to go grocery shopping?” she asked.

“Yeah, can I?” I asked.

“As long as Robert goes with you, you may go,” she said. “Let me give you some money.”

“It’s fine,” I said putting my hand up. “I’ll call Big Rob up. Do you need anything?”

“Can’t think of anything,” she said, “But ask your father before you leave.”

“Okay, thanks Mom,” I said as I quickly kissed my mom on her cheek. It was time for phase one of changing Lilly’s mind.