Underneath It All

As time continued to tick, the two of us continued to sit on the sidewalk just talking. There wasn’t a topic that we wouldn’t talk about. We started talking about the past, all the good and bad times we had. I spoke briefly, allowing Lilly to talk as much as she wanted. It was calming just listening to her speak about things I had no clue about.

“You want to hear something very few know?” she questioned. I nodded my head, my way of telling her to continue. “When I was four my mom made me take ballerina classes.”

I let out a soft laugh while she looked down at her legs. “Seriously? When did you stop?”

“The year before she died,” she replied. “I yelled at her for ten minutes complaining about how stupid being a ballerina is.” She bit her lip and sighed. “I was such a horrible daughter.” She looked up at me, already reading my mind. “And don’t say I’m not. Do you know what I told my mom the day before she died? I told her I hated her because she wouldn’t let me go a Britney Spears concert. Can you believe that? A friggin’ Britney Spears concert.”

“How did she, um, die?” I asked slowly.

“A drunken guy ran a red light and hit her,” she said. She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s been almost a decade. I’m over it.”

“You’re not really over it,” I said, “Are you?”

“No.” She continued to look down at the ground and I couldn’t think of anything to say. “Do you remember those times when you stayed over and Jason found us together?”

I nodded my head and a small smile formed on my face. “I think your dad would have killed me right then and there if he ever caught us.”

“Probably,” she replied, “But I know your mom would hate me if she ever knew about that. She probably would have jumped to conclusions about us doing the unimaginable.”

And from there, we went from our favorite Power Rangers to what we would choose as our last meal if we somehow ended up on death row. Slowly, as the night sky began to turn lighter, we moved from the sidewalk to the grass. We both lay down with our knees up, just looking up at the sky.

“So that question you asked the other day,” I said. “About us getting back together.”

“You don’t have to answer that anymore,” she said. “I shouldn’t have asked that. It just randomly spewed from my mouth.”

“No, I want to answer it,” I replied. I shifted so my elbow was propping me up as I stared at Lilly lying on the grass. “There were times when I did not want to be with you. I never really hated you, but I wish I could sometimes.”

I stopped speaking, just watching her facial expressions. They continued to remain the same. She looked sad, afraid and even her bottom lip trembled slightly, as if she figured I never wanted to be with her again.

“Then there were days where I couldn’t stop staring at your picture,” I continued. “I saw you everywhere and heard your name everywhere that it was impossible for me not to forget about you. So to answer you question, yes things can go back to normal between us again. But can you keep a promise?”

She turned her head so we were finally looking into each other’s eyes once again. “Sure, what is it?”

“I mean really promise Lilly,” I said. “You can’t break it or we really will never be friends again.”

“What is it Nicholas?” she questioned. “I’ll do anything as long as you won’t ever be disappointed with me again. Just as long as we can be friends again I’ll promise anything.”

“Can you promise to not break my heart ever again?” I asked.

Lilly sat up abruptly and gazed straight ahead towards Alana’s house. All I saw was her back and slowly her arms rise to her face. It was still semi dark, but the streetlights allowed me to see what she was doing. She was muffling out her sobs. I heard her trying hard not to sniff and cry loudly, but it was too quiet outside to not hear her.

“Please don’t cry,” I said, sitting up and soothingly rubbing her back. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I wrapped my arms around her and felt her body shake. As she continued to cry in my arms, I realized that she probably has not cried in years. She bottled every emotion up that it’s finally come back to haunt her. Everyone breaks down at some point.

I continued to let her cry. Whether or not she wanted me to be touching her was another story. I refused to let her go when she was down. I wanted her to know that I would be there for her. When she was ready to talk again, I would be there to listen to her.

“I’m sorry I broke your heart,” she said finally, her voice cracked with each word she spoke. She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with her hands, letting out a soft laugh. “Fuck. Waterproof mascara my ass.”

She wiped her hands on her jeans and sniffed once more. “Promising to never break your heart is something I want to tell you, but I just can’t. What if one day down the line I do it, but not on purpose? I didn’t mean to break your heart, it just happened because I was afraid of you breaking my heart instead.” She cleared her throat and sniffed. “Underneath it all, I love you Nicholas, and I want you to know that. You have this affect on me that no other boy can even compare to. You make me want to be a better person and stop treating everyone like shit. Underneath it all you’re the only person that I will ever love.”

“Saying those three words is all I need,” I said. “You’re right; promising to never break my heart again is hard to keep, but as long as you say you love me that is all I need.”

Lilly turned her head sideways allowing us to be face to face once again. I noticed her makeup was smeared, but she looked just as ravishing as always.

“I love you,” I said out loud, repeating those three words again and again. I took her hand and placed it to my heart which was beating at an accelerated speed. “I love you Lillian, so much that I feel incomplete without you.”

She turned her body completely and placed her free hand on my cheek. She gazed into my eyes and I leaned in closer, closing the gap between us. I pressed my lips gently on hers and our lips moved in synch. Her soft, sweet lips against my own was the best feeling in the world.

She pressed herself even closer to me as we both stood on our knees. She kept her hands in my hair as I kept mine on her hips, holding her close to me.

Lilly removed her mouth to place a tender kiss on my cheek, followed by another kiss below my ear, “Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this outside.”

Her whisper sent chills up and down my body. I placed kisses through every inch of exposed skin, ignoring her statement.

As we both stood on our knees, with our foreheads pressed together, I knew everything will take time to go back to normal again, but underneath it all she loved me, and that was satisfying enough for me.