Hello, Wide Eyes

She sat on her bed in utter silence. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her today. What day was it? She wasn’t sure. She thought it might be a Wednesday, and she might have been able to get a doctor to tell her, like she did whenever she lost track. Of course, she’d get in trouble. She always did. They didn’t want her in reality. She was too dangerous for it.

That is, until she talked.

She hadn’t talked since grade school. She preferred to keep her thoughts to herself, being she was always hit by teacher’s rulers or her father’s fist if she spoke her inner most secrets. She learned the art of keeping her voice in check in third grade. By the time she was in middle school, she was already in a hospital.

She guessed keeping quiet would get her in trouble as well.

A faint knock was at her door. She turned her head slowly towards the windows. There were several doctors talking, and one peeking through the glass to see that she was awake. He knocked on the glass and motioned for the door. She turned her head back to face the wall, laughing inside. How pathetic he is, she told herself. She smiled a little.

She peeked at him, using her peripheral vision. He kept knocking, losing patience, making the knocks shorter, louder, and further apart. Eventually. he lost all hope of getting a word in edgewise, and went to get a janitor to open the the door. Within five minutes, he was at the door.

“Hello Cassandra,” he said. She stared at the top of his bald head. She wondered if she caused it. His face looked very familiar, but she could have sworn he had a full head of hair last time they had spoken.

He awaited an answer another minute, and sighed when he didn’t receive one. He pulled his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and looked right at her. She kept staring past him, at the doctors and people in the hall. There was a small crowd. She wondered what was going on, but kept her voice in check with her vocal chords. Her nerves didn’t budge.

“We have a visitor for you Cassandra,” he told her. Her head flew towards him so fast, she got whiplash. She grabbed her neck and bit her lip, squinting at the doctor. He continued. “We really want you to meet him. And he really wants to meet you.”

What is it? Another therapist? she thought. She, of course, received no response.

“Do you want to meet him?” the doctor asked, about to beg on his hands and knees. She stared at him a moment and mulled over the thought. She hadn’t had any outside contact, other than the doctors, since she came there. Years had gone by, probably.

Why not give it a shot? she thought. She shrugged in response to the doctor. He smiled a little bit.

“Great,” he told her. He went outside for a moment, pressing a button on his way out to bring a tint to the window, so no one could watch her and the mysterious “he”. Soon enough, he came back in, a boy walking lightly behind him.

She couldn’t help but stare at him. He had beautiful blonde hair that was a little long, and perfectly straight. He had beautiful gray eyes that spoke to her as he walked. They darted back and forth, curious about the clean atmosphere that surrounded them, that not even global warming could effect. He was wearing a striped scarf neatly tucked into a gray sweater. He stared at his shoes as the doctor spoke.

“Cassandra, this is Mister...” he broke off his sentence. The boy looked up.

“Garner.” he said. “But she can call me-”

“Mister Garner.” he stated. He looked at the two. “I hope you enjoy each other’s company. I’ll leave you alone.” He walked out, very nonchalant, closing the door behind him. The boy called “Garner” unraveled his scarf after a moment of silence. He sat as he did so.

“So,” he started, “How are you?”

Fine, she thought. How are you?

When the boy didn’t get a response, he played with his lips for a moment, mulling in thoughts. He then spoke up. “Look,” he started, “Maybe we started off on the wrong foot. I’m Garner, but you can call me Jasper.” He reached out his hand. She looked at it a minute, then at him. She grasped his hand and shook it meekly. They pulled away and stared at each other.

Jasper asked her questions the entire time he was there. And even though she didn’t respond, he still asked them. He didn’t get frustrated when she didn’t answer like the doctors did. He would simply say, “Just tell me when you’re ready.”

Eventually, the doctors took him away, and turned out the lights for her. She sat in the dark all night, thinking about him. Thinking about his questions, his comments, his laughter. She debated whether she could trust him or not, and in the middle of a thought, she let the dark overcome her and strangle her until she was out cold in her bed.

&&&&&&&&

She awoke soon enough, gasping for air. She started to crying out, her voice screechy and cracking from not speaking in so long. Several nurses ran in and pushed her against the mattress. The balding doctor ran in with a needle, and pulled up her hospital gown, shoving the sedative into her leg. He didn’t hit his target to knock her out again, and tried again, only to come to failure again.

“What are you doing?!” a voice yelled. “Stop! You’re hurting her!”

“She’s hurting herself,” the nurses chanted. They held up one of her hands, which was covered in blood. There were scratches across her chest, only deep enough to bleed. She cried out again, because the pains in her bleeding wrists were hurting enough to kill. Soon enough, after much yelling and cleaning up once black thread that was now crimson off of her, the needle hit the right spot, after eight tries, and she was out cold once more.

&&&&&&&&

She awoke the next morning to Jasper sitting there. She started to cry, because she was happy to see him. He stroked her hair and let her sit there and cry to herself. He smiled slightly, knowing this meant something. Her eyes sparkled in her pillow because she knew she could trust him. She sat up and smiled, wiping the tears away.

But she still wasn’t ready to speak. No, she just couldn’t handle that. Not yet.

“Are you all right now, Miss Lovett?” he asked.

She made a face. Don’t call me something that formal, for God sakes.

He tried again. “Are you all right, Cassandra?”

I hate when everyone calls me that. she thought, a blank stare on her face. She sighed and looked around the room. On top of a drawer was a pen and notepad a nurse had left behind. She picked it up and wrote, in wobbly script:

You can call me Phoenix.

Jasper looked confused for a second, and then smiled, nodding his head. “Okay, Phoenix.” he spoke. She smiled, and let out a breathy chuckle. He smiled wider. “I wish you’d really laugh.” he said as he pulled her her out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. She looked at him with wide blue eyes.

And for the first time, she looked into someone else’s eyes and got lost there.

&&&&&&&&

Their conversations went on for months. Jasper would come in every day, and they would communicate through her notes. Every time she wrote one, she smiled. Every time he got a little more information, he laughed. They could be themselves with each other, and they knew it.

One night, Jasper snuck in after visiting hours were over. He sat on the end of her bed, next to her curled up body. She handed him a note:

What are you doing here?

“I can barely read in this light,” he told her. She groaned.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked. She didn’t respond. “I take that as a no...”

She sighed and sat up. He looked through the darkness and into her eyes. She looked back, waiting for his big secret. But he said nothing. He just sat next to her, his hand covering hers.

Suddenly, she felt like she was hallucinating. His eyes seemed to drift through the dark, closer and closer until something stopped them. Her eyes drifted closed and she accepted the soft skin on hers. They stayed connected for a long time, until suddenly, she pulled away, pushing him off of her.

He said shakily, “I-I’m sorry.” He began to get up from the floor.

She quickly wrote a new note and threw it at him. He caught it as it hit his chest and unfolded it. He looked up at her and she shooed him towards the door. He ran out as fast as he could, dropping the note behind him. She quickly threw herself under the covers and pretended to be asleep. A nurse opened the door moments later, and flashed the light on her, and soon enough, it caught site of the tiny square of a note. She picked it up and carefully unfolded it. On the inside, it read:

Someone’s coming. Leave now.

&&&&&&&

She stayed up all night for him, and eventually, Jasper did come. He sat down on the edge of the bed again. He played with his hands a moment, until she leaned in to kiss him. He kissed her back, lightly at first, and gradually, it got heavier. She pulled away and wrote something on the notepad. She handed it to him:

Are you all right? You seem upset.

“I’m fine,” he told her. He kissed her lightly. She handed him a second note:

What am I to you?

He looked deeply into her eyes and said, “You’re my Phoenix. My beautiful Phoenix.” He kissed her again. She leaned back as he pushed her down with his long, thin fingers. Her pulled away and leaned in on her ear. He was whispering now. “Did you know your name symbolizes new life, and bravery?” She shook her head. “You see, a phoenix lives its entire life as this beautiful and strong creature, and eventually, it bursts into flames, and is reborn in its own ashes. Isn’t it amazing how you can destroy yourself and just start over?” He kissed behind her lobe.

That’s ridiculous, she thought, That’s just folklore from a children’s book.

He pulled away and hypnotized her with his eyes. Her eyes looked up and almost seemed to get bigger and bigger. “Did you also know a phoenix’ tears can heal any wound?” he kissed the tip of her nose. “I think it’s amazing that one’s sadness can bring another person something to keep them safe?”

With that, two small tears ran silently down her cheeks. She looked up at him, and slowly, she said, “I-I want to be healed.” Her crying got heavier, and she began to choke on her own sobs. “I-I-I love you.” she told him. She covered her mouth and shut her eyes tightly to get the tears to stop. He kissed them away. “Heal me,” she told him. “Please. Heal me.”

And with that, he kissed her and stopped her sobbing. He gently glided his fingers across her porcelain skin, careful not to break her. His hand hesitated at each spot, awaiting permission to touch her. She nodded silently for every one, still crying a little bit.

And she knew this moment was private, because the doctors had left the tint down all night. No one could see them. All they could see was a pitch black plate of glass.

And as he entered her body, she couldn’t feel more loved. She looked past the pain and the risks that could take place, and just looked into his silver irises, all while moaning his name as she smiled.

&&&&&&&&

Jasper didn’t come back the next day. Neither had any doctors with no hair, or crazy nurses who had to re-stitch her wrists after every nightmare. The tint had been down since then, and she could see no one for three whole days. She lost track of what day it was after she hadn’t eaten or slept, or even cried. She just sat and waited for her love to return.

It almost seemed like a bad urban legend to her. Like the ones they read to her at school when she was fifteen. The last one they had read was about a woman who waited for her husband on the coast until she died. She couldn’t recall the name, but she knew that’s what it sounded like to her.

Maybe she was crazy, for thinking of that after two whole years.

Suddenly, she heard yelling. She snapped out of her trance and went to the still tinted window. Although the doctors couldn’t see in, she could see out, but only a little bit. She saw someone yelling at the doctor with the bald head, shrugged, and went back to her spot on the bed.

Probably a patient, she thought.

Jasper came through the door then, mad as anything. She looked up at him with her eyes wide. He looked at her sadly and sighed. He sat and took her hand, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb.

The doctor with no hair came in then. “Garner, please. Don’t be ridiculous.”

He turned to him, anger in his eyes. “I meant every word I said Forester.”

The doctor sighed. “Oh, Garner. Why are you doing this? We only wanted you to get her to talk. We need to find out about the reason for suicide. We need her out of her. It’s been two years, for Christ’s sake!”

Her eyes widened. “You used him?” she questioned. “You made him lie to me?”

The doctor laughed. “No Cassandra. He lied to you freely. He hates you. He lies to everyone. It’s in his nature.”

She slapped him. “Stop calling me that!” she swallowed a sob in her throat. “And what are you talking about ‘it’s in his nature’?”

The doctor smirked. “Well, you see, we, in a way, used you both. It takes one to know one. We hired him to get you to talk,” he motioned for Jasper, “And we used you to get him to accept he’s a pathological liar.”

“But I’m not lying!” Jasper exclaimed. “I’m being honest! I love her! And she’s not crazy either! All she needs is love, and a little hope, and she’ll never try to hurt herself again. I’ll watch her. I promise.”

“That might be a little hard in confinement,” the doctor explained. He went out to the hallway to get a nurse to get papers for Jasper. Once he was out of site, she dug through the back of a once locked drawer. He banged against the door, looking for a way out frantically. She handed him the key to escape.

“Where did you get this?” he asked. She looked at him and smiled.

“Always befriend the new therapists.” she replied. He smiled and unlocked the door. The two of them ran out through an emergency exit and out the door. He took his jacket off and wrapped it around her, because it was late fall. He ran her over to the car and started the ignition. He pulled out and drove down the road a few miles and stopped on a side road. He sighed and sat back in the seat.

She suddenly felt a lightness in her heart as the radio gently played. Music. The first music she heard it years. A light rain storm went over them, and she was able to smile at the sound of it. She gasped for air for a moment as her heart released an unknown energy. She stared off into the clouds, wide eyed and feeling like she was flying.

He turned to her. “What happened?” he asked.

She smiled.

“I think the fire just burned out.”