I've Got Your Mixed Tape In My Walkman

"Four months left." Matt whispered.

These next five stories are going to take place in the last four months. Her last four months.

Zack looked at me an sighed. I knew exactly what he was thinking. Five tapes left and were on two of them.

But now its just a matter of time. How long would we have to wait to hear our part in her story.

Why do we get time, when Lily doesn't?

It doesn't seem right.

Heyyy!

Five tapes left guys! Just five more tapes and you can burn them and forget.

Forget about me...

I don't think any of us are going to forget you anymore Lily. No one.

We wont forget your smile, your music, your voice.

We wont forget your stories, there going to be burned into our minds forever.

Well I hope you don't. I mean isn't that one of the reason's I'm making these tapes? To not be forgotten. To be heard?

We hear you Lily. Loud and clear.

I mean isn't that what everyone wants to be is heard? Or even complimented? Noticed?

Thats what this story is about. Being complimented, being noticed.

Did any of you have Mrs. Sutton?

Mrs. Sutton was a Peer Communication's teacher. Peer Communications was a class were you just openly talked about everything. Sex, drugs, self-image, relationships, you name it and you would talk about it. It was only open to seniors and juniors. I took it last year with Matt and Val.

Which means.

Isn't she just the coolest teacher? I mean you talk about sex and drugs in her class and you get an easy A; just for discussing it. I mean come on, who wouldn't want an easy A?

I don't get it Lily why is...

You know how she had everyone bring in a small box and decorate it? These boxes were used for notes, to give to other classmates. The notes had to be a compliment about that person.

Something like, your a really sweet person.

Or I love your outfit.

You know something cheesy, but nice.

Each note had to be anonymous but it was all about saying nice things to each other.

So after the first couple of weeks I'd watch people pull out notes from here boxes or stick a note into someone else's.

But when I opened mine, it was empty.

What did you do...

Completely empty! Nothing! Nada! Zilch!

So I thought, oh maybe I should do something that would be comment worthy you know. Some small that could be changed.

So I cut my hair and dyed it darker.

I remember this. She cut her once mid back length hair to her shoulders and dyed the honey color darker.

I remember when Jenny Peters, cut her hair, she received lots of notes. I remember her reading them out loud to her friend Gianna

So after my haircut I waited two days.

Then a week.

Then two weeks.

And still nothing.

I shuffled in my seat, readjusting my position.

Weird right?

So I thought why not write myself a note and see whats happening?

I turned my head to the side and stared.

What did you...

"Lily" It read. "I love you new haircut! Sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

So I wouldn't look like a loser, putting a note into my own box I thought Id write some else a note.

I stood up and placed one note into Gianna's box and opened my lid and pretended to look in it as I slipped my own note in.

Then the next day when I went to my box I opened it up with a smile on my face.

But that was short lived.

My note was gone. It just disappeared.

So one of two things could be happening.

One, no one was writing me notes. But that doesn't explain why mine was missing.

Two, someone was taking them from my boxes so I never got them.

"Zacky." I whispered.

So I thought I needed more proof to investigate my theories. So I wrote another note for myself.

He stared blankly at the floor.

As I walked out the room I waited by the door and looked inside.

And trust me it was the last person I would of ever guessed.

He slowly nodded his head.

Zacky, you stood there taking my notes out of my box! I don't believe it says Zack Baker on that box, maybe try the box next to mine!

Zack took Peer Communications this year and was with Lily.

But why Zacky? Why were you taking my notes?

They were mine, thats why there were in my box!

I walked over to you and your face was a deep red color. You looked like a little kid who got caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar.

Before I could even ask you what you were doing you walked out of the class room.

I followed but lost you in the sea of people. But at the last minute I saw you looking back at me. I thought you were going to come back, and say sorry, hand me my notes back. Say Haha Just kidding little sis.

But you didn't.

When we got home you made sure we were never alone. You left when our parents were gone and you were always in the same room as them when they were home.

And after a while, you forgot, but I didn't Zack.

And I spent those days were you ignored me-alone-trying to understand why you felt the need to take my notes, I realized something. I realized that I Lily Baker, wasn't worth an explanation-not even a reaction.

Lily Baker, was nothing but to be ignored.

Zack stared at the floor. "That means." he whispered.

You know how Mrs Sutton had her own box. She encouraged us to critic her as well or give topic ideas to discuss in class.

So I decided to write my own note to Mrs. Sutton.

It read: "Suicide. Its something Ive been thinking about. Not all the time but I have been thinking about it."

That was the note, word for word. How do I know? I remember it. I wrote it down so many times before placing it into Mrs. Sutton's box. Write it, throw it away, write it again, throw it away. Until I finally decide to drop it in the box.

But why was I writing it to begin with? I asked my self that fifty times, because thats how many times I rewrote it.

It was a lie. I hadn't been thinking about it.

Not really.

Not in detail.

And when I returned to class the next day Mrs. Sutton began to ask everyone's opinion on it.

This was what I wanted. I wanted to hear what my classmates thought. Their feelings.

One person said it was going to be hard to help without knowing why the person wanted to kill himself.

I really wanted to say "Or herself." But I didn't want anyone to know I wrote it. I mean I wasn't seriously thinking about.

Just a passing thought.

But the one that ticked me off the most was when Brittany opened her mouth.

A snowball effect.

"It's like whoever wrote this note just wants attention. If they were serious, they would have told us who they were."

"There was no way for Lily to open up in class." Val said softly. "Everyone was attacking her."

In past topics on abortion, abuse, cheating, NO one insisted on knowing who wrote those topics. But for some reason, they refused to have a discussion on suicide with out specifics.

And when no one wanted to continue with this subject anymore, Mrs. Sutton went onto a new topic.

Zacky I needed those notes! I needed to hear:

"Lily, I love your new haircut."

"Lily, your so pretty"

Or whatever they said. I needed them.

I thought they could be the one thing to save me...since no one else was.

"Why?" I asked Zack.

He turned his head and look at me.

At the end of that class, Mrs. Sutton handed us a flyer called The Warning Signs of a Suicidal Individual. Guess what was right up there in the top five?

"A sudden change in appearance."

I ran my hands through my newly cut and dyed hair.

Huh. Who knew I was so predictable.

The reel ended and we watched as Zack stood up and left the room.

I stared at the staircase that he just ran up. I stared till he came back down with a bunch of folded papers in his hands.

He opened them up and placed each of them on the table.

I looked at the table and saw writing on the sides facing up.

We all scooted ourselves around the table and read the notes.

"Lily your a slutty whore!"

"Why don't you just move away."

"How many girls boyfriends have you sleept with?"

"Homewrecking slut!"

"No one really likes you."

They weren't complements at all. I thought as I scanned over the others.

"I saw Brittany and other people write these and put them in Lily's box." Zack sighed. "I wanted to protect her."

I nodded but froze when my eyes scanned a note written in red ink.

"Lily, I hope you die."

Well whoever you are, got your wish.