I've Got Your Mixed Tape In My Walkman

Cassette 6: Side B

Two more.

I took a deep breath as Matt changed the tapes and pressed play.

Two more to go. Don't give up on me now.

I'm sorry. I guess thats an odd thing to for me to say. Because isn't that what I'm doing?

Giving up?

Yes. As a matter of fact I am giving up. And that, more than anything else, is what this all comes down to.

Me...giving up....on me.

No matter what I've said so far, no matter who I've spoken of, it all comes back to-it all ends with-me.

Before that party, Ive thought about giving up so many times. Every story I told you, after each one, I thought about it.

It?

Okay! I'll say it!

I, Lily Baker, have thought about suicide.


All the anger, the blame, the tears are gone. All gone. She made up her mind now. There's no turning back.

The word is not a struggle anymore for her to say it.

It started out as:

I wish I would die.


Ive thought the same thing before. But those words are so hard to say out loud. Its even harder to mean them.

But then I would begin to think on how I would do it.

"Stop the tape." Zack muttered.

A gu-

Matt paused the tape before Lily could continue.

"Whats wrong?' he asked looking at Zack.

Zack's face was sweaty as he looked nervously at the ceiling. "I don't know....I mean I know how she killed herself but I don't know if I can hear her say it." he paused and took in a shallow breath. "Just give me a minute."

Matt nodded and we all looked away from Zack, letting him calm down.

This had to be the hardest part of these tapes, for us to hear.

Were actually hearing the part that Lily finally decided this was the end.

Her very end.

"Okay." he whispered nodding his head. "Play."

Matt pressed the little button with the right arrow.

A gun? No I don't think we have one.

What about hanging? What would I use? No. I don't think I could ever get past the visual of the person finding me-swinging- inches from the floor.

It became a game.

A sick, twisted game.

Thinking of ways to kill myself. How? When? A note? No notes?

Tapes?

This was when I decided I would tape the reason why I did it for you guys.

I thought someone should know the truth.

Why not the people who knew me. Or at least thought they did.


This is a whole new Lily.

But I came up with the least painful way for me to end it.

Pills.

But what kind of pills? How many should I take? I don't have time to decide.

Because Tomorrow is the day.

Wow.


I gulped. This makes it Thursday Jan. 8th.

After tomorrow, when I make my final tape. I'm going to package these tapes into the shoebox you found them in. Write your names on them and place them under my bed, and wait.

Wait for you to find them.

Exactly when my parents and my brother fall asleep Friday night, I'm going to do it.

And come Saturday morning when I don't come down to breakfast.

They will come and find me.

Gone.


Lily....

I remember when Zack called me up saying Lily was gone.

I thought he was going to say she was going on vacation or at a friends house.

But when the words, 'She's dead.' escaped his lips. My body froze and my legs crumbled to the ground.

My body broken down that day and so did my heart.

When I go to school tomorrow, Friday January 9th, there will be one difference between me and you.

You wont know its my last day.

And I will.

Do you remember what was the last thing you said to me?


"I'll miss you Jimmy." she said and hugged me again.

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "Ill miss you to." I chuckled and left their house.


I remember some last things.

Maybe not the completely last thing they said to me but it was said the day after the New Years Party.

Do you remember Jimmy?


I tilted my head back, closing my eyes tight blocking the tears that were slipping over.

You came into my room that morning.

It was the last day of winter break and you were spending it with your friends.

With me.

I was in my room just thinking about the different ways and then you walked in.

Your blue eyes connected with my green ones and our smiles matched each other.

That was the hardest smile I ever had to make Jimmy.

Because I knew, at that moment, I was leaving.

You and everyone else. I love.


I love you Lily.

Why didn't I ever say it?

We sat their talking about our break so far and about the band before I asked you a question I just needed an answer for.

Any answer.

"Will we always be together?"


That was her question. Will we always be together.

When she asked me I was confused at first. I didn't get what she meant by it.

Why she was asking it.

You told me will always be together.

And I believed you. I still and always will believe you Jimmy.

But something about the previous night changed me. It changed everything.

Every day I tried to see, the closeness that you promised me,

And every day it faded away, Every time I told a new story, your words just kept fading away from me.

Every night I tried to dream, of what you wanted me to be in you life. And that to kept drifting away.

And then I began to ask myself:

What if i died tomorrow? Would you miss me here?

What if i cried tomorrow? Would you shed your tears?

And I didn't know the answer. My mind was to far into my own twisted game to see the people in front of me. You six could of saved me.

I just didn't know how.

So now all I can ask is.

Every hour, every day gone by, will you cry for me?

Not sad tears but the happy ones. The ones were I actually and truly smiled and laughed for you. The ones I want you to remember. The perfect ones?


For the first time in these tapes my tears weren't sad, they were different for Lily and only Lily.

I hope you take this as a lesson learned.

Tomorrow isn't always promised.


I opened my eyes and let the tears that were blocked pour down my face.

One more and thats all we have.

One more and then I'll always remember Lily, the way she wanted to be remembered.

Happy.
♠ ♠ ♠
I took lyrics from this song: About Last Night-What if i died tomorrow

listen its awesome!!!!!!! I really didn't know how I was writing Jimmy's until today when i heard this song and I was like bam! perfect!

2 more chapters <tears>

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