I've Got Your Mixed Tape In My Walkman

"Her last hurray." Brian mumbled staring at the stereo blankly.

All of us had the same look on our faces, blankness.

It was the end. Her final tape. Her last story. The last time Lily spoke into the recorder for us.

Her final bow.

"Tomorrow isn't always promised." Zack whispered as his eyes scanned the carpet.

He spoke Lily's last words in the previous tape. My tape.

You don't always get tomorrow. But sometimes you do.

Sometimes you get a hand to help you, while others times you make other people wait for that tomorrow to come.

Like Lily did.

I slowly stand up and could feel all eyes on me. I walked towards the stereo and bent down picking up Lily's last tape from the floor beside Matt.

I take out cassette six and replace it with seven. Sitting with my back against the stereo like Matt's, pressing play.

One...last...try:

She's whispering. You could tell the recorder is close to her mouth. I can hear her breathe.

I'm giving life one more chance. And this time, I'm going to get help. I'm asking for help because I cannot do this alone. I already tried that.

And failed.

You didn't Lily. I looked around the room at my five friends. We were there for you Lily, you could of came to us.

Of course if you guys are listening to this I failed. Or he failed. And if he fails, the deal is sealed.

My throat tightens at her words.

Only one person stands between you six and these collection of tapes:

Mr. Asher.

Mr. Asher? He is the guidance consular for students with the last name from A to H. What does he have to do with anything?

Lets see how this ends.

The sound of a zipper can be heard and shuffling. She's putting the recorder in something. A backpack? Her jacket?

She knocks and knocks again before a muffled voice and the sound of the door creaking is heard.

-Lily. Glad you stopped by.

The voice is muffled but its him. Its Mr. Asher.

-Come in sit.

Thank You.

-So Lily, what can I do for you? Classes? Grades? ACT PREPS?

No no nothing like that.

-Than what is it?

Its well....I don't know, really. Just everything, I guess.

-That might take a while.

A pause a long pause.

- Lily, its okay. I'm hear to listen, its my job. Whenever your ready.

Its just everything ....everything's so hard lately.

Her voice was shaky.

I don't know where to began. I mean, I kinda do but I don't know how to sum it all up.

-You don't need to sum it all up. Why don't we begin with how your feeling today.

Right Now?

-Right now.

Right now I feel lost. Sort of....empty.

-Empty how?

Just empty. Just nothing. I don't care anymore.

-About?

Make her tell you. Keep asking questions, but make her tell you!

About anything. School. Myself. The people in my school.

-What about your friends?

You're going to have to define "friends" if you want an answer to that question.

-Don't tell me you have no friends Lily? What about you brother and his friends? I see you in the...

Their his friends, thats the keyword. Seriously! I need a definition. How do you know what a friend is?

-Someone you can turn to when...

Then I don't have any.

I narrowed my eyes at Johnny's black shoe. She had no friends? What did she think we were? Just Zack's.

Thats why I'm here isn't it? I'm turning to you.

-Yes, you are. And I'm glad you came Lily.

You don't know how hard it was to set up this meeting.

-My schedule has been open this week.

Not hard to schedule. Hard to get myself here.

-Again, I'm glad your here. So tell me, when you leave this office, how do you want things to be different for you?

You mean how can you help?

-Yes.

I guess, I don't know. I'm not sure what I want, what I'm expecting.

-Well, What do you need right now, that you're not getting? Let's start there.

I need it to stop.

I closed my eyes as my head began to throb.

-You need what to stop?

Everything to stop. People. Life.

-Lily, do you know what you just said?

I rested my head back more onto the stereo stand. The pain inside my head began to rapidly pound now.

-You said you wanted life to stop, Lily. Your life.

No response.

-Is that what you meant to say? Those are some very serious words Lily.

She knows what shes saying, Mr. Asher. She knows every word that is coming out of her mouth.

Do something!

I know. They are. I'm sorry.

"Don't apologize. Talk to him!" I yelled. I knew I said it out loud. I knew just as much as Lily knew.

I don't want to my life to end. Thats why I'm here.

-So what happened Lily. How did we get here?

We? Or how did I get here?

-You, Lily. How did you get to this point? I know you cant sum it all up. Its the snowball effect, am I right?

Yes. the snowball effect.

-It's to much isn't? One thing on top of another?

It's to hard.

-Life?

Another pause.

-Lets talk about school. So I can get some idea how we- I'm sorry- how you got here.

Okay.

Yes, lets get this show moving Mr. Asher.

-When you think of school, whats the first thing that comes to mind?

Learning I guess.

-Well, thats good.

I'm kidding.

She laughed. And so did Mr. Asher.

I do learn here, but thats not what school is for me.

-Then what is it for you?

A place. Just a place filled with people that I'm required to be with.

-And thats hard for you?

At times.

-With certain people, or people in general?

With certain people. But also..everyone.

-Can you be more specific?

It's hard because I don't know who's going to...you know...get me next. Or how.

-What do you mean "get you"?

Not like conspiracy. But it feels like I never know when somethings going to pop up.

-And get you?

His voice sounded amused. This is in no way funny, Mr. Asher.

I know it sounds silly.

-Then explain?

Its hard to explain unless you've heard some of the rumors about me.

-I haven't. Teachers tend to get left out of student gossip.

Another pause.

-When was the last time a rumor...popped up?

See thats it. Not all of them are rumors.

-Okay...

No listen...

Please listen.

Years ago I was voted...you know, in one of those polls. Well not really a poll, but some stupid idea of a joke, a list. A best-of and worst-of list. And people have been reacting to this list.

-When was the last time?

At a party over break.

The New Years party.

-Because of a rumor?

So much more than a rumor. But partly, yes.

-Can I ask what happened?

Um I-I

-Okay Lily. can we play twenty questions?

What?

-Sometimes twenty questions helps a student open up to their consulars.

Okay.

-So can we play twenty questions?

Yes.

-At this party, you mentioned, are we talking about a boy?

Yes.

Her voice was so tiny.

I'm not going to judge you Lily. Did anything happen that night you regret?

Yes.

-Did anything happen with this boy- and you can be completely honest with me Lily. Did anything happen with this boy that might be consider illegal?

You mean rape? I uh...um I don't think so.

-Lily, I want your honest answer.

No answer.

-Are you thinking about pressing charges?

No. I....I'm not.

I exhaled a full breath of air.

- Then what are your options?

I don't know. I need you to tell me my options.

-Well I can only see two of them?

What. What are they?

-One, you can confront him. We can call him in here to discuss what happened at this party. I can call you both out of...

You said there were two options.

-Or two, an I'm not trying to be blunt here. But you can move on.

You mean do nothing?

I grip my eyes shut tight. Why would you give her that choice.

-It is an option. Look, something happened, Lily, I believe you. But if you wont press charges and you wont confront him, you need to consider the possibility of moving past this.

And if thats not a possibility? Then what? Because guess what Mr. Asher, she wont do it!

Move past this?

-Is he in you class?

No, he's a senior.

-So he'll be gone next year.

You want me to move on.

Its not a question, Mr. Asher. Do not answer it. She's thinking out loud. Its not an option because she cant do it. Tell her you're going to help her!

There's a rustle.

Thank you Mr. Asher.

No!

-Lily. Wait. You don't need to leave.

I think I'm done here. I got what I came for.

Don't let her leave!

-I think there's more we can talk about, Lily.

No I think I've figured it out. I need to move on and get over it.

-Not get over it, Lily. But sometimes there's nothing left to do but move on.

Do not let her leave that room!

You're right. I know.

-Lily, I don't get why your in such a hurry to leave.

Because I need to get on with things. If nothings going to change, then I better get on with it, right?

-Lily, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about my life.

A door clicks.

-Lily wait!

Thank you, Mr. Asher.

Another click. Now the zipping of a zipper.

I'm walking down the hall.

Her voice is clear again.

His door is closed behind me. It's staying closed.

A pause.

He's not coming.

He's letting me go.

The point behind my eyebrow is throbbing so hard, but I don't touch it. I don't rub it. I let it pound.

I think I've made myself pretty clear, but no one's stepping forward to stop me.

I know you guys cared bout me, just not enough. And that...that is what I needed to find out.

But we didn't know, Lily. We didn't know what you were going through.

And I didn't find out.

The footsteps continue. Faster.

And I'm sorry.

The recorder clicks off.

There are no words for us to explain or talk about the last tape. Nothing can be said that would make this better.

Nothing is going to bring Lily back.

She isn't walking through this house anymore and she isn't playing her piano anymore.

A story's just been told, that hasn't happened yet. Just a tragic foreshadowing of what could happen to you...

Think before you speak, it could be the last time, you ever speak to them.