I've Got Your Mixed Tape In My Walkman

"I have a confession."

Everyone looked at me while Matt was changing the sides on the tape.

"I was in love with Lily."

Everyone remained quiet. Zacky looked away from me and stared at the wall. Then Matt pressed play when no one wanted to answer me.

You could here a piano playing in the background.

Lily was really good at playing the piano. She could play most things by heart and she could pick up any song in the matter of seconds.

I used to love playing piano.

She said as she stopped playing. When did you stop Lily?

"I haven't heard her play in months." Zack whispered with his eyes closed.

I used to love alot of things but piano was always my safe haven. I'd play my hands out till I got bored.

I never got bored.

Are you ready to learn the story of why I stopped playing?

Yes...Why did you stop?

She began playing again before she stopped at the same part she did last time.

This was the and is the last song I'll ever play on my piano.

Matt does this sound familiar?

I looked over at Matt and he looked like he concentrating on the song. And when he realized he knew it, his eyes went huge.

"I'm so fucking stupid."

I was playing after the first day of my junior year. I thought why not write something new.

And when I did, I began to play it and singing along to the lyrics.

When I finished with the last chord Matt you applauded for me.

"That was really good Lily." You told me and took a seat next to me on the bench.

I scooted over a little and nodded. "Thank You."

"I remember her face that day, she wasn't smiling and she sounded so...so dead." Matt said as he stared at the wall behind the couch Johnny was sitting on.

Then you asked to look over the lyrics.

And what did you do Matt?

"I helped her with the lyrics." He gulped.

Why is that so bad?

You helped me with this line that didn't make sense.

So you said to switch a word around and I did.

Then you had me play that part over again and you said that was the best song you ever heard.

Matty, do you even know what that song was about?

Did you even think that I was the main character in this song?

Did you ever think to care?

Matt bit his lip. What was the song about?

I don't think you did Matty. I don't think anyone did.

So you told me to play it for you one more time and I did.

She said as she began to play the same part again. When she came to the spot she kept stopping at, she didn't stop.

She began to sing.

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

I watched Matt the whole time she was singing. You could tell he remembered the words. His lips would move once in a while as if he was listening to it. Like it was a song from a dream.

Or Lily's nightmare.

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

"It makes sense now." he whispered. "Why didn't I see it. I could of stopped everything." Matt said. Val was crying but was able to wipe the stare tears that were coming down Matt's cheeks.

"We all missed it." Zack whispered still staring off in space.

Matty, that song I named it:

I wont see you tonight.

It fitted perfectly with how I was feeling. I was broken, an unfixable mess.

Thats right guys.

I was breaking down, falling apart.

Did I really look fine to everyone? I thought I left many clues that I was falling deeper and deeper into nothingness. Why didn't anyone care? Anyone see?

Why didn't anyone fix me? Why was I so unfixable.

So Matty, remember what you did when I was finished with the song again?

Matt stared off at nothing just letting the tears fall from his eyes. It takes alot for Matt to cry, and Lily you surely did it. How do you feel?

Thats right Lily, you don't feel anymore. You never felt anything but loneliness.

Matty you said that song didn't need to be changed at all, that it was perfect just the way it was. And then you went to find Zacky.

Matty, that song was and is about ME! That means you told me that I shouldn't change, that I shouldn't receive any help. That I should just live my life the way it is.

But, Matty my life was falling apart. My life consisted of nothing. And you just made it more clear that it should stay that way.

"I didn't know." Matt sobbed. Yes, he was sobbing now. Matt doesn't cry. Matt never cries. But Matt missed something important, like we all did. We missed Lily, when she needed us the most.

And that was the last day I ever really played piano.

Do you know what this day means guys?

"Whats today?" Johnny asked.

Val raised an eyebrow at him and said. "January 24, why?"

Johnny gulped and was about to speak when Lily's voice came back on.

The next five tapes are the last four months...of my life!

Val's eyes widened when she understood what Johnny wanted.

The last four months I've tired to find help, but received none.