Make Me Myself
One-shot.
Whenever something bad happens, my first instinct is to go numb. Numb is safe. But sometimes that doesn’t work and it just hurts, my next instinct is to try not to cry. I hate crying. It makes my face red, swollen and unattractive, makes me feel vulnerable and open to attack. Also makes me feel scared of being known. I carry sunglasses with me most days to hide behind. If the eyes are the window to the soul, no-one is getting in mine.
There was a time when my first instinct would be to find something sharp and set to work on the flesh of my thigh. After now about eight months, I’m pretty sure I’ve kicked it, but it doesn’t stop the urge when things get bad. It was always my thigh as I have a habit of rolling up my sleeves and I didn’t want anyone to know. I guess being known is something I’m truly scared of.
What I do do, though, when I’m being numb, or trying not to cry, or if I’ve just finished crying, is find things that are positive no matter what. It’s pretty hard to do. There are no constants in life, no matter how hard we try. The only thing that’s worked the majority of the time is listening to My Chemical Romance as loud as I can stand and shutting out the world. I’ll admit it doesn’t always work. One time I was listening to Famous Last Words and I thought, what if I’m not strong enough to keep on living? I couldn’t help but cry after that.
But that’s the worst of the worst, when I realized I have to rely on myself to get through the bad times. When I knew it was getting dangerous. I guess it made me stronger. Even indirectly, My Chemical Romance makes me stronger.
My Chem have always made me feel better. Stronger. Happier. More myself, which is something I strive for everyday. Nothing else in my life has that feeling of complete and utter ease and acceptance. Nowhere else could I have met people who feel the same way, fellow fans who’ve become fast friends. There is no place where I could have found the inspiration I find in five guys from New Jersey playing their hearts out and giving their all.
The music shuts out the bad happenings, holds off impending disasters and lifts me up when disasters do crash down around me.
I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. I know people have had far worse lives, and have coped far better than I, but to me, there’s been a lot of pain and music has shut it out. I watched my sister starve herself out of school and into a clinic for eating disorders, and had to empty her locker in front of my teachers and return her books. This was before I’d found My Chem, and I didn’t handle it well. I wish I’d known of you earlier, I really do. I watched my mentor’s son get diagnosed with skin cancer at only 20. I watched him heal. I watched it come back with a vengeance. I watched him heal again. I signed up as a marrow donor with ‘Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge’ playing in the background. I only hope one day I can help someone who needs it. I played a mixture of all the music when I got my A level results, hiding in the merch hoody I bought when I saw you live at Wembley. I did better than anyone expected.
It’s the soundtrack to my life. At 18, I’ve found something that makes me happy when things get shit, is great to listen to when they aren’t and is always there. Never lets you down, never has somewhere else to be.
One of the best things My Chem has done for me is bring me friends who understand me. We all converged on 31st May 2008, a week before my 18th birthday and protested against people using their image as a band to create fear among ill-informed, ill-educated people. At the end of the day, some of us were in tears at how happy we were. Meeting fellow My Chem fans is one of the best things that’s happened to me. People I can talk with, laugh with, even debate a little. Gerard says the band is like therapy for him. It’s like that for so many of us.
Earlier I said being known is something that terrifies me. It is. Probably why I generally fail at relationships, but listening to My Chem or talking to friends who are fellow fans lets me feel understood without being scared. The music is like nothing I’ve ever heard before, the melodies are so strong, the lyrics so powerful it’s like you took everything we felt and shoved a load of talent into it and made it beautiful. The fans share the same feelings, the same passions and there is such a sense of camaraderie it’s not scary-it feels like home. It makes me not scared to feel, makes going numb less of an option.
I’ve never known anything that can so completely change a person’s life. I’ve never had so much faith in anything.
I’ve never been so thankful.
I’ll never stop keeping the faith. Sometimes I write it on myself ‘Keep The Faith’ wrapped around my ankle, hidden under my jeans, just to keep me going. Sometimes I consider making it permanent. It reminds me not only that I have something special in my life, but that I have the strength to keep going. I can do this.
I’m going to need to remember this in the next four months. That’s how long my Grandpa Ronald has to live. But I have time with him. I have the knowledge he’s had an amazing life. I have five inspirational men to help me though this.
This might read as depressing. It might come across as horrifically dependant on people who have no idea who I am. I hope it doesn’t. To me, it’s hopeful. It has hope. The most beautiful thing in the world, and I keep hold of it through music made by Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Ray Toro, Bob Bryar and Frank Iero.
Thank you.
I have hope. And I have faith, in people and in myself.
Keep The Faith.
Yours, Kate Ashford
There was a time when my first instinct would be to find something sharp and set to work on the flesh of my thigh. After now about eight months, I’m pretty sure I’ve kicked it, but it doesn’t stop the urge when things get bad. It was always my thigh as I have a habit of rolling up my sleeves and I didn’t want anyone to know. I guess being known is something I’m truly scared of.
What I do do, though, when I’m being numb, or trying not to cry, or if I’ve just finished crying, is find things that are positive no matter what. It’s pretty hard to do. There are no constants in life, no matter how hard we try. The only thing that’s worked the majority of the time is listening to My Chemical Romance as loud as I can stand and shutting out the world. I’ll admit it doesn’t always work. One time I was listening to Famous Last Words and I thought, what if I’m not strong enough to keep on living? I couldn’t help but cry after that.
But that’s the worst of the worst, when I realized I have to rely on myself to get through the bad times. When I knew it was getting dangerous. I guess it made me stronger. Even indirectly, My Chemical Romance makes me stronger.
My Chem have always made me feel better. Stronger. Happier. More myself, which is something I strive for everyday. Nothing else in my life has that feeling of complete and utter ease and acceptance. Nowhere else could I have met people who feel the same way, fellow fans who’ve become fast friends. There is no place where I could have found the inspiration I find in five guys from New Jersey playing their hearts out and giving their all.
The music shuts out the bad happenings, holds off impending disasters and lifts me up when disasters do crash down around me.
I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. I know people have had far worse lives, and have coped far better than I, but to me, there’s been a lot of pain and music has shut it out. I watched my sister starve herself out of school and into a clinic for eating disorders, and had to empty her locker in front of my teachers and return her books. This was before I’d found My Chem, and I didn’t handle it well. I wish I’d known of you earlier, I really do. I watched my mentor’s son get diagnosed with skin cancer at only 20. I watched him heal. I watched it come back with a vengeance. I watched him heal again. I signed up as a marrow donor with ‘Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge’ playing in the background. I only hope one day I can help someone who needs it. I played a mixture of all the music when I got my A level results, hiding in the merch hoody I bought when I saw you live at Wembley. I did better than anyone expected.
It’s the soundtrack to my life. At 18, I’ve found something that makes me happy when things get shit, is great to listen to when they aren’t and is always there. Never lets you down, never has somewhere else to be.
One of the best things My Chem has done for me is bring me friends who understand me. We all converged on 31st May 2008, a week before my 18th birthday and protested against people using their image as a band to create fear among ill-informed, ill-educated people. At the end of the day, some of us were in tears at how happy we were. Meeting fellow My Chem fans is one of the best things that’s happened to me. People I can talk with, laugh with, even debate a little. Gerard says the band is like therapy for him. It’s like that for so many of us.
Earlier I said being known is something that terrifies me. It is. Probably why I generally fail at relationships, but listening to My Chem or talking to friends who are fellow fans lets me feel understood without being scared. The music is like nothing I’ve ever heard before, the melodies are so strong, the lyrics so powerful it’s like you took everything we felt and shoved a load of talent into it and made it beautiful. The fans share the same feelings, the same passions and there is such a sense of camaraderie it’s not scary-it feels like home. It makes me not scared to feel, makes going numb less of an option.
I’ve never known anything that can so completely change a person’s life. I’ve never had so much faith in anything.
I’ve never been so thankful.
I’ll never stop keeping the faith. Sometimes I write it on myself ‘Keep The Faith’ wrapped around my ankle, hidden under my jeans, just to keep me going. Sometimes I consider making it permanent. It reminds me not only that I have something special in my life, but that I have the strength to keep going. I can do this.
I’m going to need to remember this in the next four months. That’s how long my Grandpa Ronald has to live. But I have time with him. I have the knowledge he’s had an amazing life. I have five inspirational men to help me though this.
This might read as depressing. It might come across as horrifically dependant on people who have no idea who I am. I hope it doesn’t. To me, it’s hopeful. It has hope. The most beautiful thing in the world, and I keep hold of it through music made by Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Ray Toro, Bob Bryar and Frank Iero.
Thank you.
I have hope. And I have faith, in people and in myself.
Keep The Faith.
Yours, Kate Ashford