Sick and Sain

Gerard was, in fact, giving a radio interview. But when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket and he saw the number on the screen, he knew it was more important.

“Hey, dude,” he said to the DJ, “I gotta take this call. I think it’s an emergency.”

“Oh, go right ahead. But please go outside,” the DJ muttered, waiting to cue up the next song.

Mikey looked up at his brother, “Gee?” he asked, putting a hand out to his torso, “Are…do you?”

“No, no. It’s not that bad, but I need to take this. You and Frank can talk.”

Frank, on the other side of Mikey, made a face. Still embarrassed about considering Gerard insane, he had been very nice to him of late. But it didn’t really matter. Gerard was a bit like a dog. He trusted those who he trusted but second chances came hard with him. Frank was attempting to redeem himself, but it would take a while.

“Hello?” Gerard asked, catching his phone on the last ring before voicemail. This hall reminded him of Sea Forest. Ha. That name was so stupid. Mmm, but better times with Ryan. Ryan with the beautiful brown hair. Ryan who wrote the most beautiful songs in the world. Ryan whose voice was beginning to cackle through the phone lines and into Gerard’s ear. His brain. His soul. Ryan was here. It was all okay.

“Gerard?” came that boy’s voice—except quiet and not as exciting as most of the time. Sad.

“Yeah, it’s me Ryan. What’s up?” What’s up? What’s up? Gerard! You couldn’t think of something better to say than that? You retard! You’re not so sain yet, darling. No. No. Stop being so hard on yourself sweetie pie. Oh fuck that. You fucking retard.

“Um…not me,” Ryan almost laughed at his answer, “Gee? I miss you.”

“I miss you too Ry,” Gerard muttered, the words pulling at his heart. That’s right, you fucker. Admit it.

“Where are you?” Ryan asked.

“Um…Utah? I think—hey Ray, where are we?”

Gerard looked up to Ray, passing by in the dimly lit hall, with a guitar in his hand and a worried expression on his face, “Utah. But Gee, hurry the fuck up. Mikey and Frank are gonna finish that—wait, aren’t you supposed to do it with them?” Ray groaned. He was the type of person who needed to have everything perfect. A perfectionist. And Gerard wasn’t helping currently.

“Yeah—this is more important,” he swatted his hand at Ray. Go away. Go away Ray. You don’t want to get involved in this. It’s not your problem—you don’t want it to be. Goodbye Ray. Gone? Oh. Bye.

“Gee—what were you doing?”

“Radio interview. It’s not a big deal though. Mikey and Frank’ll take care of it.”

“Mmm…so where are you?” Ryan asked. He was feeling a bit better just because of Gerard. Gerard was…god sent. Truly.

“Utah. I was right.”

“Oh. Are you going to my hometown anytime soon?”

“In…seven and a half hours. Yup.”

“Brendon coming to the show?”

Gerard shrugged, then remembered Ryan was only there in his left ear, “I dunno. Do you want him too?”

“Well yes, because then you’ll be so kind as to get me the fuck out of here!”

This brought to mind a Green Day song to Gerard’s head. And with that came thoughts of when everything was so much easier. Ryan was perfect, he was love, but he complicated everything so much. Find Brendon. Talk to Brendon. Explain to Brendon. Get Ryan out. Explain Ryan to the rest of the world. Life had been so much simpler before Ryan. Why was he working so hard? Why the hell was he doing this all? Love. That’s why. He was in love. And it didn’t matter that he was doing so much shit for this boy, this man. He loved him. And when people are in love, they do stupid things. Lovesick. Crazy in love. More like insain in love. Mental.

“Okay. Do you know if he even wants to come? ‘Cause I don’t think I can get him to come if he doesn’t want to…”

“Gerard!” Ryan snapped. He could practically see it, freedom. He didn’t mean to be mean, to be a bitch, but he wanted out. He wanted to see the world again. To feel wind on his face, sun. To live. To be. To think. “Please. Get me the hell out of here!”

“What? Ryan—I, I don’t know what to do.”

He sounded pitiful. Sad. So…not Gerard. Ryan was used to Gerard being perfect, the best fucking thing that had ever happened to him. He was infallible, a backup plan. Someone who, no matter what, would be able to fix everything. He always knew what to do. Ryan didn’t know that Gerard doubted himself in everything though. He didn’t know that he made everything up as he went, hoping to God or whatever that everything was right. Everything was as nice as he liked to pretend it was. But Gerard never openly said this, so as he finally did, he felt damn sure that Ryan would no longer have anything to do with him.

“You—huh?” Ryan muttered quietly, scared by the sudden silence from end of the line.

There was a soft hand on Gerard’s back. Mikey. Quiet. Assuring. Like Gerard had once been towards Ryan. Mikey. Something Gerard was not. An odd thing to look up to your younger brother? Yes—and no. Mikey Way had done more good for his band, brother, family, friends and wife than he got credit for. He was amazing.

“Gee…” he muttered quietly, not wanting to interrupt his brother. But the truth was, Ray was freaking out. They had sound check and one of the Marshalls wasn’t working right. Things were not going right. But Gerard—he didn’t want to stop Gerard.

“I’m sorry Ryan. I don’t know what the hell to do. I miss you, I love you—I’m sorry. Bye,” Gerard muttered, softly hanging up the phone in order to turn into his baby brother’s waiting arms.