It's the Mess That Feels So Right...

It was heart wrenching to find that every single morning, nothing had changed, and if anything, it just hurt a whole lot worse. Days and weeks, mornings and nights, they meant nothing to me, school meant nothing to me, and Gabe meant nothing to me. I was hollow, fragile and vulnerable, all things I had never wanted to be.

I had thrown my phone against the wall in my anger, my fury at the constant calls coming thorough triggering my impulsive side. Caleb had to wrench my charm bracelet from my fists before I could do any damaged to that as well, and I hated myself for acting so ridiculously, but I couldn’t stop myself.

It took Cassandra and Caleb many sleepless nights comforting me, many Disney movies and a heap of time, until I was, as Caleb put it, almost human again. I could laugh at things, I could sleep easier, though I still sometimes crawled into Caleb’s bed childishly just so I didn’t have to be alone, and school was as it used to be. Caleb still kept his guard up silently, just in case I tried anything stupid, as he had been with Gabe when they found me trying for death after the funerals, but I couldn’t bring myself to think like that, not with all the help I had received from Caleb and Cassandra.

It was finally a Saturday, and with Christmas so close, it was great to just lie in bed, warm and shielded from the snow fluttering around outside. Caleb came in as usual, greeting me with a smile and we both lay together, staring in the direction of one another but feeling miles apart, our minds working at different paces.

“We’re going out to get a Christmas tree today!” Caleb said with spontaneous excitement, his face lighting up then a smirk appeared as he placing his freezing foot on my calf, resulting in me jumping with shock and tumbling out of bed, landing on the floor in a mess. Through the hair that was splayed over my face, I glared at him humorously.

“What was that for?”

“Well, you need to get up now, because all the good trees go first!” Caleb got off the bed, jumping around happily, before pointing to my dresser with a smirk and I waved him off and waited for him to leave. Wrapping up warmly, I joined Caleb and Cassandra outside, hiding under my beanie and into my over-sized jacket. Cassandra smiled warmly before reaching for my hand as we began to walk down the block toward where the Christmas trees were stationed.

After a long debate over which one had thicker pine needles, Caleb finally gave in and let us pick the damn thing, and we watched as the man cut it down and lugged it onto the back of the trailer, Cassandra quickly giving him the address and the instructions to dump it on the lawn.

“Where are we going?” I asked, as Cassandra picked up my hand again, Caleb cradling my other as we headed in the opposite direction that our Christmas tree was moving.

“We are going to get ingredients for cookies and eggnog, then stop and pick up whatever crappy Christmas album is in the discount tray at Wal-Mart. It’s, uh, it’s kind of a tradition we do every year,” Caleb mumbled, looking away as his cheeks flushed and Cassandra laughed.

“Caleb, don’t be so ridiculous. It started one year when we had nothing to do so we tried to bake cookies and make eggnog while decorating the Christmas tree, listening to shitty carols. Ever since then, we have done it every year!” Cassandra said happily, the three of us now walking through the Wal-Mart parking lot.

“And every year, mom almost sets the house on fire! But you don’t have to, you know, participate if you don’t want.” Cassandra hit her son lightly on the arm, causing me to smile and shake my head softy.

“Are you kidding? That sounds like fun!” Caleb cocked his head at me then shrugged, muttering something along the lines of, “Well, it’s your funeral.”

Cassandra let out a snort at her over dramatic son and pushed Caleb away with the instructions to go find ingredients for cookies, while it was my mission to find a crappy Christmas carol CD. The cold air circulating the store was getting to my head, my thoughts were becoming articulate. With a small smile, slightly excited about spending the afternoon in the best way possible, I began humming as I flicked through the CDs in the bargain rack.

Out of the corner of my eye, someone caught my attention. My first guess for why they had done so was for their posture, the way they stood awkwardly to the side, as if approaching something and they weren’t sure of the reaction. Then my second reason for picking them out, the more silent reason I wanted to ignore, was I knew that figure all too well. The long, willowy build, drenched in a coat and scarf, head adorned with a beanie as if they were trying to hide themselves in the crowded Wall Mart. But the eyes caught me the most, that sad, doleful look weaved into the brown, and when they caught my own, they knew that I had seen them.

Before I could even think of a way to escape, his long legs lead him to me and soon enough, we were both staring at each other, neither one of us moving to make it less awkward.

“Listen, Bee, I’m so sorry that it came out like that, I was just angry and frustrated and... God, I screwed everything up, I know! But if we could just talk it out...” William abruptly stopped his rambling, when I held a hand up to put my two cents in.

I couldn’t quite figure out what just happened when I saw him, something changed. Instead of wanting to shove him into the rows of shelves and start off the ultimate domino game, I knew in the back of my mind, I was the one that should be apologising for the stupid thing I did.

“Why don’t... why don’t you come over to Caleb’s house later on, and we can talk about it more... privately? If that’s okay with you?” I asked timidly, and William beamed, nodding his head enthusiastically.

“Yeah, sure! Wait... how much does Caleb want to hit me?” He drew back warily, and despite myself, I laughed.

“Actually, he’s been pestering me about talking to you, so you should be fine.” William wiped his brow in mock relief, and I gave him Caleb’s address, and then left him to find Cass and Caleb.

Caleb looked stunned as he watched me approach him, William walking off behind me. He shook his head a few times, and looked between both our figures in disbelief.

“Were you just... You were talking to Beckett!” Caleb said happily, grabbing my shoulders with a massive smile.

“Yeah. He’s coming over later to talk,” I replied, handing the CD to Cassandra with a smile, as she went to purchase everything.

“So my nagging paid off?”

“Yes indeed.” Caleb was still grinning. He had this mission it seemed, to put my life back together, which included getting me talking to both William and Gabe (and ultimately, getting them to talk to each other, which I couldn’t see anytime soon) in hope of fixing everything. I was okay with the William side of the deal, but the Gabe side would take some work.

-X-

I fell back on the couch, completely content as the three of us looked at the tree we had spent the last two hours throwing all our hard work at. It looked good, the green pine needles barely visible under the amount of shiny decorations, tangles of lights and tinsel it was drowned in. Cass and I were exhausted, from baking the cookies, to the shots of eggnog, to the erratic dancing around the longue to the Christmas music, but Caleb was still the energizer bunny, running around and sticking candy canes all over the tree, and hanging up the stockings, singing obnoxiously.

The moment was interrupted, when a knock at the door weaved it's way through the loud music to the three sets of ears, and Cass and Caleb both turned to me. I replied to their stares with a small smile, and slowly got off the couch, mumbling, “I guess I’ll get it.”

The door gave way to William, his hands in his jean pockets as he looked around, obviously trying not to show how nervous he was, but his face gave it away. His eyes watched me curiously, his pale face gaining colour when I smiled at him, just as nervously.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I, um, I need to explain myself,” William spluttered, making me smile as I lead him across the patio to the swinging seat, both of us settling down delicately. I knew I needed to speak before William did.

“William, I’m so, so sorry for what I did to you, and you have every right to hate me for sleeping with Gabriel. I hate myself for it,” I added quietly, looking away from William so he couldn’t see the emotion that gave away the fact I didn’t entirely regret that night with Gabe.

“Bee, I don’t know why. I really don’t but I can’t find it anywhere in me to hate you. I should be sorry also, I hate myself for telling you that information about Ben, it wasn’t my place, I really am sorry,” William mumbled sincerely, looking away as if it pained him to see me.

“Will... In a way, I feel better I know the truth, and it was obvious Gabe wasn’t going to tell me anytime soon.” I tried to quickly change the subject of Ben before it awoke any painful memories. “But why, why don’t you hate me? I mean, I slept with someone else!” My mind didn’t comprehend how I could commit such a horrible act like I did and William could still see me without anger clouding his emotions.

“Trust me when I say this, I’m a very selfish person. Even though you slept with someone else, I love you Bee, and I don’t want to give you up that easy. I just...can’t.” William fell silent, his hands the only things moving as they knotted themselves together in his lap, my own body stunned with this sudden confession.

“You... you can still love me after that?”

“Yes,” William muttered, chewing his lip as he anxiously awaited my reply. But that was just the thing, I couldn’t reply. I didn’t deserve to still be loved after cheating on him, I was certain the cold air was getting to him, distorting his thoughts into the exact opposite to how he should be thinking.

“We’re going on tour just after Christmas, come with us,” William suddenly blurted out and finally drew his eyes to meet with mine, both of us scared of one another’s thoughts and answers.

“Will... I can’t...”

“Please,” William begged. “We are going to Europe, and if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that nothing can clear your mind and sort your thoughts out than Europe. Just... just think about it, please?”

William rose to his feet, me following shakily as he started down the steps, readjusting his beanie before being completely exposed to the ferociously cold snow.

“Yeah. I will. I’ll think about it,” I said quickly, shocked at my statement as much as William was, as he looked back at me, a small smile forming on his lips before he turned back and continued down the path, leaving me wondering what just happened.