It's the Mess That Feels So Right...

Christmas morning felt like someone had pressed fast-forward on time, everything happening so fast that only certain events could be snagged on my memory. Christmas Eve had been nice, just simply hanging out with Cassandra and Caleb, watching the silly Christmas movies they played every year, and I had to admit, it felt more like an intimate family moment than anything I had ever experienced. My Christmas Eve’s used to consist of being at home, looked after by Ben as my parents went off to work functions or Christmas parties with friends.

That feeling grew vaster the next morning, when Caleb came to jump on my bed at six thirty in the morning, that little kid inside of him being exposed for real.

“C’mon, man! It’s Christmas morning! There are presents under the tree! They are calling to my finger tips to be opened!” Caleb rambled on, shaking me as I tried desperately to drown myself under my comforter.

“Caleb, I love you, but piss off! The presents will still be there in an hour or three!” I mumbled, waving around the arm that wasn’t pinned under my body in the hope I could whack him away. Unfortunately, Caleb was ready for that, and swiftly walked to the other side, the shaking occurring again.

“Alright, alright! I’m up!”

I watched Caleb grin through my sleep-crusted eyes. “Excellent. Downstairs in five, let’s go! Shake a leg, or I’ll do it for you!”

Moments later, I was sharing the staircase with a drenched Cassandra, who was yawning and pushing her wet hair out of her doe eyes when I gave her an odd look.

She simply laughed and replied with, “You got the better wake up call.”

It was amusing to watch Caleb open his presents, especially after one of mine - the colour-changing kettle he so badly wanted - which resulted in him running around the house pajama-clad in a lap of victory. Caleb had given me a beautiful photo album, absolutely filled with plenty of pictures of the two of us hanging out and doing stupid shit. Cassandra gave me a gorgeous pendent necklace from her boutique, and in return I had given her some craft gifts, such as a scrap book pack and vouchers for a home improvement store. There were plenty of other small gifts, random items that made us laugh when they were unwrapped.

After all the gifts were open, we all pitched in to create a microwave-Christmas lunch/dinner for the three of us, and despite how it sounded, it tasted damn pretty spectacular.
Once I was stuffed full, I began to haul my new treasures upstairs when my phone let off an annoying tone to let me know about a call I was receiving. It wasn’t until I saw William’s name flashed three times on the little digital screen, that I realized I had been waiting for him to call.

Dropping everything onto my bed, I answered the phone warily, knowing exactly what he was calling about.

“Hey, Will.”

“Hey Bee! Merry Christmas!”

“Yeah, merry Christmas to you too!”

“How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine. Uh, listen, about the tour...”

“I just want to let you know that I’m not trying to pressure you to come, it’s just, we had an extra bunk and I thought...”

Before I could stop myself, or even registered that unconsciously I had made up my mind, I blurted out my answer. “Yes, yes I’ll come.”

“Really? Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously.” I wondered if he could hear the obvious smile in my voice as much as I could.

“Oh wow, that’s brilliant! Oh, I have to go but I’ll call you later on to let you know the flights! I’m so glad you are coming, thank you.” He sounded all but delirious with happiness and I couldn’t fight my own happiness that that alone brought me. Chucking the phone down beside me, I retreated downstairs, to find Cassandra already putting her presents to use and playing around with the scrap book, and Caleb helping her while munching through a handful of salted peanuts.

“Caleb, can I talk to you for a second, please?” I asked quietly, and concern crossed both of their faces, but neither of them said anything as Caleb nodded, rose to his feet and walked toward the kitchen, me following in tow. When we were out of earshot, Caleb turned to me with one eyebrow high above his eye, beckoning for me to explain.

“I’m going on tour with Will.” That set him off.

“What? Are you shitting me? Don’t play with me Bee, that isn’t cool!”

“Caleb! Settle down, I’m being serious here. I think it would be good for me to get away for a while.”

While Caleb was still freaking out, a third voice entered the conversation.

“I think it’s a good idea too, for Bee to get away for a bit and return with a clear view on things,” Cassandra said, entering the kitchen with a smile, Caleb glaring at her.

“Mom, this is a private conversation!”

“I needed glue!” Cass said innocently, raising her hands, before reaching one over to grab a glue stick that was sitting on the bench near the telephone. Caleb rolled his eyes before turning to me.

“But going on tour with Will! You do know that includes going on a vehicle, right? One with wheels? And it moves?”

“I know what a car is Caleb! And besides, I’ll be fine! Cass is right, I need to sort out my head by getting away and to do that, I need your help, Cay.” I looked up at him with a pleading smile and watched with a mental smirk as he melted, I knew he couldn’t say no to me.

“Fine. What with?”

“I need you to come help me get some more clothes from my- ah, Gabriel’s apartment.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll do it. But are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” Caleb asked again, his face more solemn than ever.

I sighed exaggeratedly. “Yes, Caleb! Yes, yes, yes!”

“Caleb just doesn’t want to have countries between you both, in fact, since you two have known each other, you’re only ever been separated by one state once before!” Cassandra said, poking out her tongue at Caleb who crossed his arms and made a face at her. I laughed at their odd mother-son relationship before turning back to Caleb.

“Cay, I’ll be fine and if anything goes wrong, I’ll be on the first plane home, I promise.”

-X-

My body ached, tired of crouching on the staircase, waiting for Caleb to finish grabbing my stuff and trying to ignore the questions Gabe was throwing at him. Granted, I thought I would have been able to walk right into that apartment myself, face Gabe, and get my things, before walking right out again without breaking, but I was wrong, I couldn’t.

I hated having to depend so much on Caleb, he could see me coming undone and told me it would be quicker if he just grabbed everything so we could get it over and done with. We had both looked away, pretending that was the real reason. Gabe was still firing questions at Caleb, asking after me, wanting to know where all my things were going and why I hadn’t come and picked it up myself.

He was so obliviously unaware of my existence, perched on the top of the stairs, just inches from the doorway. I suddenly noted that Gabe’s tone dropped rapidly, and he was talked in a muted whisper, something private, even though he thought it was just Caleb and himself. My entire stance leaned closer to the voices, ears desperate in curiosity, and for the second time, I was caught out by Shylo. Her tail was moving so rapidly, that it pulled her body with her, and she yapped sharply, the voices stopping at the sound of her overwhelmed excitement.

Gabe emerged from the apartment first, staring down at me with a distorted look, like I was a familiar stranger he had never expected to see. My expression couldn’t have been much better, the whites of my eyes expanding as Caleb rushed out behind Gabe, just as shocked.

Nothing had been said, and I could feel the minutes dragging. Finally, Caleb pulled away from the shock, coughing quietly, mumbling, “I think it’s time for us to leave, Bee.”

I nodded, eyes moving from Gabe as my feet lifted me from the floor and turned to walk back down the stairs. This movement triggered something inside of Gabe, and he struck out, his large hand clutched onto my arm, the milky white contrasting with his bronzed tone. He was still quiet, but his eyes held all the questions.

“Please let go,” I whispered, yet making no effort to remove the hand that was causing the bats in my stomach to thrash against my sides.

“Not until you let me speak, I need to explain.” Gabe’s voice came out hoarse, almost strangled and he tightened his grip on wrist.

“There is nothing to explain.”

“There is everything to explain. I know I was stupid, I know I screwed up, but I was younger then, I didn’t think! I’m sorry I forced Ben to drive; I should have known he was intoxicated, it was a mistake! But you can’t entirely blame me what happened!”

I looked away. In some ways, he made sense. In others, he just infuriated me with how little empathy he could hold.

“No, Gabriel, no. You aren’t entirely to blame; Ben was stupid enough to listen to your sorry ass. But to find out that the one family member I had left, the one person in this world I had to hold onto, died from something that could have been avoided, that’s when it becomes your fault. You were young, you were drunk, but you weren’t stupid. And what hurts worse, is that you never told me. All those nights I woke up screaming, you comforted me, my loss of my brother so soon after my parents, and you never said anything. I understand it could have been hard when I was younger, but what about now? Where you ever planning on telling me?”

Gabe’s face was strewn with pain, and he fell back, his eyes falling to the floor with my obvious answer.

“That’s what I thought,” I whispered, turning to leave once again, listening for the shuffle to guarantee me that Caleb was following.

“Where are you going? Are you leaving?” That question, said in a voice so small and destroyed stopped me, and despite my emotions ready to topple overboard, I managed to reply in a civil statement, breathing heavily to stop myself lashing out in my own anger.

“I’m going to Europe with William and his band. I need to get away and decide what I’m going to do. When I come back, I will know what to do.” Hearing my own unsure voice scared me, but I knew it was for the best. Gabe nodded numbly, not looking back at me as he gave Caleb a meaningful nod and stiffly walking back to the door frame, Shylo following loyally.

That night, I couldn’t force myself to cry, my emotions were frayed and no matter how much I wanted to let loose, I just couldn’t. Instead, I double checked my bags for the morning ahead, and distracted myself with thoughts of Europe and the things I would figure out, a million miles from here.