It's the Mess That Feels So Right...

“Wakey wakey, Bee and bake-y!” A familiar voice ran through my head, not disappearing despite my tactics of flailing arms. A voice sounded from beside me, my body running rigid at the feel of that familiar figure nestled in tight alongside me.

“Sisky, go the fuck away!” Bill muttered into my hair that had been splayed over his pillow at some point in our sleep. I heard Sisky laugh and move over to the curtains of the hotel, opening them cruelly, letting the sun soak into our blinded eyes.

“Argh, fuck Sisky! Honestly!” William cursed, trying to hide himself into the pillow, as I scrunched my eyes up tighter.

“Look, Paris is already alive and buzzing, the French well awake, leaving you lagging in your slumber!” Sisky rattled off over dramatically, his jabs to our sides resulting in grunts from the two of us.

“Sisky, I will tell you one more time, go and fu-"

“Butcher, the water jug, please!” Sisky yelled, interrupting William mid-cuss. Sisky’s demand itself was enough to make the both of us jump from under the warm sheets.

“We’re up!” I retorted and Sisky gave a small smirk of victory.

“Excellent! We are going to see the Eiffel Tower, or as it’s known here, la tour Eiffel, and the L’Arc De Triomphe!” Sisky said, popping the ‘p’ on the last word, when Butcher and Mike both ran in, heading for our bathroom.

“What are you two doing?” I asked in bewilderment, as the two of them started scooping up our rolls of toilet paper quickly.

Butcher turned to me, and with his best ‘duh’ voice told me, “Well, we aren’t going to be able to T.P the Eiffel tower with just the rolls from Chizzy’s and our room, are we?” Then, Sisky, Butcher and Mike fled the room with toilet paper intact, most probably to go inflict mischief somewhere else. I rolled out of bed, avoiding eye contact with the man next to me, who I could feel looking at me so intensely, almost like he wanted to crawl under my skin and see what I was thinking.

I shuddered at the thought, and was about to hop off the bed in hope of a shower, when his hand planted itself on my right shoulder blade, the warmth seeping into me and causing me to pause. Without much effort, William managed to spin me round so I had no choice than to look into his eyes, overflowing with wonder and confusion.

With such an honest face, in a completely serious tone, he whispered, “I love you, Bee.”
I gulped, and whispered it back, knowing that it shouldn’t have sounded like such a lie; I should have been able to say it with confidence, with complete certainty. William seemed to have accepted this lie, for he pulled me closer and kissed me, pulling back with a smile before letting me go.

It was only after my shower, as I walked back into the bedroom to inform William the bathroom was free, that we both heard a certain Aussie-accented voice yell out from three rooms down,

“Where the bloody hell is the toilet paper?!”

-X-

Sisky had been right - for once – the entire city seemed vibrant and awake, bustling about in a sort of familiar greeting. For a brief second, it was almost like starting the day back at home, the same buzz of unknown faces in a loud city.

A whole group of us, the band, myself, a few of the crew guys and a two girls that were introduced to me as Butcher and Chizzy’s girlfriends, who had apparently flown into Paris early with the intent of meeting up today, swarmed into the rental cars with the plan of a tourist-esque day.

Jack seemed to follow us the entire way with his camera, catching Butcher and Mike’s attempts at T.P-ing the Eiffel Tower, Chizzy trying to beat the two of them senseless for stealing said toilet paper, Sisky and Butcher dancing in front of the Eiffel Tower and William being dared to try and fit an olive in his left nostril. I remember playfully telling him I could never look at him the same way again, not realising the double meaning to such an innocent statement until I re-thought the day over later on.

William seemed to have the rock star and perfect boyfriend sides of him balanced out amazingly, even I was impressed. He held my hand constantly, peppering my face every now and then with gentle kisses and took photos of the two of us in front of anything remotely interesting. Even when a few fans every now and then spotted him, he would happily banter away with them, signing bits and pieces and taking photos, even acknowledging them in the few French words he did know.

As soon as they let him go, he would return to my side loyally, smiling and picking up where we left off. I couldn’t believe how wrong this felt, it shouldn’t have felt this way. This was one of the most genuine men I could have ever imagined to meet, yes he had flaws but every human did, so why was I impatiently waiting for every moment with him to be over?

What made it worse was when Naomi, Chizzy’s girlfriend, sidled up to me, as I had been watching the band converse with yet another group of fans. This shouldn’t have taken me by surprise; I knew how big they were as a band, even internationally.

Naomi was silent for a couple minutes, her eyes trained on the same scene that I was watching, but then began to fidget as if she had something important to say.

“So,” She began lamely, fighting for the right words. “William seems to like you an awful lot.”
I nodded weakly, wishing with everything in me she would go away, just by the way she looked at me told me she didn’t like the way I was acting towards William, and seemed to be trying to guilt trip me into telling her something. It was making me nervous, and my hands started to wring together to show this.

“I’m just trying to say.” Naomi took a long breathe, almost trying to kill me with suspense. “That, William, he’s like a brother to me, I’ve known him for ages and when he falls for someone, he falls pretty damn hard. I’ve seen his heart broken more times than I should have to, and by watching you two today, something isn’t right. I just want to know you aren’t planning on breaking him.”

She glanced down at me through judging eyes, and I was a little taken back at how she had criticized me on a first impression. My mouth even hung open a little from the attack.

“Excuse me? Um, first off, don’t even talk to me like you know me, okay? You’ve known me for what, all of five seconds? And don’t read into my life, okay? Just... just stay out,” I whispered before storming off to the nearest ladies room, leaving Naomi behind. I knew what I had just done was all kinds of wrong; Naomi was being a good friend, just checking that I wouldn’t hurt William and I had snapped and bitched out at her.

Could it have been because in some way she might be right? That I really could be a selfish bitch stringing William along? Even while thinking these thoughts as I headed toward a nearby restaurant in hope to find the restroom, my hand automatically reached down into my pocket with my fingers curling around the note that hadn’t left me since I had been given it. The feeling of betraying William coursed through me, as I tried to shake it off when I heard William calling me.

He really was a sight, his long legs lumbering around beneath him as he hurled toward me, looking so ridiculous in a gorgeous way. He grabbed me gently, smiling at me as he waited for his breathing to settle again.

“Hey,” He managed to say, causing me to smile.

“Hey,” I mumbled back.

“Where were you going, might I ask?”

“Just... uh. I needed to use the bathroom,” I replied weakly as he nodded carefully.

“Okay, well, just to let you know, we shall be heading back soon, we have to get to sound check. Oh, while I’m thinking of it, are you coming to the show tonight?”

The image of a million sweaty, screaming girls, all declaring their love for the man I had but wasn’t sure if I could keep would just create a guilt trip infinitely worse than the one Naomi had produced.

“Uh... actually I was really looking forward to just sleeping tonight.” For the second time, I wondered if William would pick up the lies threaded into my words, but he just smiled that innocent smile and kissed my forehead gently.

“It’s the jet lag, you’ll get use to it,” He replied sweetly, and as promised, the guilt was there to numb over every other feeling. I suddenly had an intense want for everything to go back to normal, for me to be able to function normally around William without having to feel like I was constantly betraying him.