It's the Mess That Feels So Right...

I was getting worse. And it was noticeable. I couldn’t hide it anymore.

The tour had now been going for a few weeks now, and as amazing as some of the scenery and places we visited were, I couldn’t concentrate on a thing. Everyone could tell, and made it their mission to avoid me at all costs. I could barely talk to William, only just manage a conversation with the rest of the boys, and was evading Naomi’s death glares like it was the freaking plague.

My heart and mind couldn’t decide on a thing, and the last thing I wanted to do, which I seemed to be doing anyway, was drag William into this. I was so confused about everything, and the only time I could think, really think, was when William was out of the picture, hence my absence from almost every show The Academy Is... had played on this tour.

I knew William was full of questions, and even his calm interior wasn’t enough to put up with my silent moods and moods full stop. He was starting to get frustrated with me, though he tried hard not to let it seep between the cracks of his facade.

I sat on the hotel bed, head propped up against the headboard, and the open window letting in the cool Italy air, the sound of people in the streets below me living reminding me I wasn’t completely alone. Absentmindedly, my fingers played with charms on my bracelet, slipping around one charm in particular, then dropping it as soon as I realised what I was doing.

I glanced out the window, knowing if I let myself sink too far into the depths of my thoughts, I could lose myself forever and I knew that whether I wanted to or not, I had to talk to someone. And that someone would most probably being my always reliable Caleb, even though I already knew what he would say. Maybe I needed to hear someone else tell me, just so someone else besides me can force me into it.

Before my fingers could be unoccupied with the charms to be able to pick up the phone, the device let of a shrill chime, jolting me only slightly, until I could answer the damn thing.

“Hello?”

“Bee.” The voice was thick, trying to sound emotionless but I could easily guess the voice. Vicky. The only thing was, her voice sounded cold, and I knew this phone call wasn’t going to end well.

“Hey, Vicky, how are things?”

“Are you seriously that dense? Bee, I know you are a smart kid, so why, why do you keep denying and deceiving things from how they are?” Vicky T’s answer was short, hot, and I could hear anger. This frightened me, my shoulders quivering and not from the breeze picking at goose bumps on my skin. Vicky T was mad. I had never, ever heard her like this, not even when Gabe lost her favorite scarf or when Suarez accidentally flushed her grandmother’s ring down the toilet. She was the queen of nonchalance, so what had her so furious? And aimed at me?

“I... I’m not quite understanding what you are getting at here-"

Vicky T sighed loudly through her teeth. “Bee, you are seriously being ridiculous! Are you doing this on purpose? I love you like a sister, like a best friend, but when you hurt Gabe like this, so much that he is too messed up to remember any of our names right, I have to choose sides and-"

“Wait!” My heart hammered, leapt, and thudded more than it ever had in my eighteen years of breathing, and I had never been more scared. “What did you say about Gabe? What’s happened, what’s wrong?”

Vicky T snorted a sound of fake shock. “So now she chooses to care. Gabe... he’s been, well, trying to lose himself is the easiest way to put it. Drinking himself into oblivion, partying till the morning and bringing home anyone who is desperate, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t eaten or showered in a while, either. You see Bee; he thinks William has won, and that he has lost you. So he is beating himself up over it, and no one can tell him otherwise but you.”

“He’s...he’s really doing that?” I whispered, my voice so low that it cut in and out, tears blocking out my vision, but Vicky seemed to understand what I was trying to say.

“Yes. Yes he is. And he won’t stop until you talk to him, but you won’t. Instead, you just try to act like you’re the victim in this situation, and yes, you have every right to be angry and hurt at the things he did, but that was in the past and it’s time to give it up. You know what you are really feeling, and I suggest you open your mind to it before he does something even more stupid than normal. Give me a call when you finally catch on.”

The dial tone made it obvious that the chat - more like yell on Vicky’s part - was over but I couldn’t find it in me anywhere to put down the phone. I was numb. I didn’t know what I couldn’t believe more, the fact that Vicky just gave me the worst admonishment ever, or the fact that Gabe was tearing himself up over my absence.

Once my fingers gained feeling again, I quickly dialed Caleb’s number. I needed someone to listen to me, and feel sorry for me. I hated being self-indulgent, but right then, I couldn’t have cared less. He took his time in answering and when he did, his greeting sounded like a sleep encrusted grunt.

“Bee, you do know about time differences, yes?” He asked, a yawn cutting off the end of his question. I felt myself shaking more than before and my eyes watering to the point of crying.

“Y-yes, I-I’m sorry,” I hiccuped pathetically. Caleb immediately switched to his ever-so-handy best friend mode upon hearing my voice.

“Bee, what happened?” Caleb asked slowly, and I could hear the rustle of his sheets as he sat up, probably trying to wake himself up further.

“I just got a call from V-Vicky... and... she was yelling and...Caleb, why didn’t you tell me about Gabe?”

Caleb was silent, I could almost see him mulling over a way to explain himself, without hurting me in the process. It almost made me wish he could just say it, no matter how much it would hurt. Finally he sighed, and I prepared myself for anything.

“Look Bee, you know I love you more than anyone, well almost, there is mom but I knew her first so really... Uh, anyway, you know I love you and I’m always going to be on your side, but the reason I didn’t tell you is because you need to sort yourself out and make a decision. Don’t ask me what I’m talking about; by now you have to have some clue about what I am trying to say. I didn’t tell you about Gabe because you would just rush back here with your head still as muddled as ever. And Bee, it’s time to stop playing games. You have had your chance at being hurt, at being confused, and being upset. It’s time to stop and choose once and for all. By taking so long, you are hurting others in the process.”

He took another breath, while I wasn’t even sure I could remember how to. “Bee, I know you all too well, and I know right now, you have Gabe’s unread note beside you, and you are aching to read it but you are scared. You shouldn’t have to be. Your mind and your friend’s may give you advice, but your heart will always tell you what’s right. It’s time to put the past away, and look forward. Read the note, Bee. I have a feeling I will be seeing you soon. I love you.”

And with that, he hung up the phone, and for the second time that night, it was just me and the dial tone. With my eyes flooded with tears, I reached for the note. Caleb was right. The games had to stop, and it really was time to let go of everything holding me back.