It's the Mess That Feels So Right...

The crisp paper only held two words in between the lines, but that didn’t stop me from reading it over and over, until those two words were branded into my head, and burning hot.

The sudden sound of the boys exiting the elevator, their endorphin induced yells echoing along the hallway, made me shove the note between the pages of the book beside my bed, and fumble for the covers. The door opened before I was able to hide under the duvet, William standing in the doorway, looking spent but alert all the same.

It was in that moment when he looked at me, his eyes picking up the expression in mine, that he knew something. He knew something had changed.

Do you want me to stay? Do you want me to go? Do you think I recognize that look on your face when you think that I know?

He didn’t say a word, just pushed himself away from the spot on the carpet and headed toward the bathroom without a word. As soon as I heard the shower turn on, my body started to shake and my head felt dizzy, as if my blood had thickened, making it harder to reach my head.

I lay down slowly in the bed; the thick duvet couldn’t substitute for my own body warmth. He couldn’t have been able to read me in one single glance, could he? It’s impossible.

But that look. I couldn’t disregard that. There was something there in that stare, and he knew for sure that something was up.

I wished there was some way to avoid seeing William again. I thought through all the possibilities, but most of them ended up with questions being asked, ones that I either didn’t want to answer, or didn’t know how to.

Once the shower cut off, I buried myself further under the musty duvet, closing my eyes as tight as possible, and focusing all my attention on the sound of William’s movements. William dressing for bed, slipping in beside me and making a grab for his laptop, furiously tapping at the keys as he thanked the fans of an incredible show on his blog, sighing as he pulled off his glasses and switched off the light, then him sinking down beside me on the bed. I listened, waiting for him to sleep, but his breathing never evened out enough.

Finally, I gave up waiting, and let myself drift off, that was until I felt William roll over toward me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him. With his face nestled between my cheek and shoulder, and his breath hot against my stone cold cheek, he whispered to me the words that only made everything harder.

“Please. Don’t throw me away.”

I didn’t know how to react, how can you when someone whispers something that fragile to you, with their own voice drowned in despair and utter loss at what to do? So I settled with the only thing I could do, I let my breathing slow and tricked him, and myself, into a restless sleep.

-X-

“Mike, she won’t talk to me! How can I try and understand what’s going on with her, if she won’t open up to me?” William’s frustrated voice, followed by Mike’s quiet grunts of agreement, were the first things to filter through my head the next morning.

Mike paused before answering, and I tried to keep my face straight and my breathing even, this sounded important.

“William, don’t you reckon this is all a bit much for her? I mean, you two only just forgave each other and then all of sudden she is pulled into a tour with you?”

“But she agreed! I didn’t pressure her!”

“I didn’t say you did! All I’m saying is that maybe she thought she was ready to get back with you, and she was wrong. Give her some space William, you know, like that saying? If you love them, set them free, and if they come back, something rather rather?” Mike mumbled and William, though it sounded tense, let out a laugh.

“You’re such an ass, Mike,” He retorted playfully and Mike chuckled.

“And you, my friend, are buying the first round tonight. Now I have to go use my amazing communication skills to get the number of a certain hotel manager downstairs,” Mike said slyly.

“You mean the one that looks like a pit-bull? Dude, she might actually eat you alive!”

“Billvy, keep your eyes on your own relationship problems. Now don’t forget, sound check at 3.”

The door closing signaled to me that Mike was gone, and I was left to face William. I could hear him shuffling over to me, and all of a sudden his voice was in my ear.

“You can wake up now.”

I didn’t even try to act like I had been asleep. I opened my eyes suddenly and looked up at the man who looked broken, and I hadn’t even said anything yet.

“You and I need to talk, Bee. I know Mike said you needed space, but this silence is killing me. Please, just tell me what’s going on.” William’s eyes softened as he settled on bed next to me, waiting for me to say something, anything.

“William. I’m sick of pulling you into this, and I’m sorry for everything.” I started off slowly, choosing my words as carefully as possible, but that didn’t stop William’s eyebrows from falling over his eyes in confusion.

“I mean, what I’m trying to say is that, I don’t wanna feel like I am lying to you every time I tell you I love you, no, I mean, I just... I can’t...um...” I freaked out, my mind ran blank and I was at a loss of words to tell William how I was feeling. I could say it in my head, but the words seemed to freeze and run away before they could reach my tongue.

William suddenly looked angry, which was enough to make me flinch back in a slight fear.

“It’s him, isn’t? You always have loved Gabe! If that is true, then why the hell drag me into this? Is this some sort of sick game? To make you feel better about yourself, by pulling others in and hurting them? You selfish bitch! You never loved me! Why?” William yelled at me, jumping away from the bed and standing on the other side of the hotel room, breathing heavily with his eyes scrutinizing me spitefully.

That feeling of being trapped caught me by the throat, causing me to rise from the bed as well, and my anger at William for not letting me explain myself fueled my words.

“No! I never said I loved Gabriel! This isn’t about him, this is about us!”

“You don’t have to say it, it’s so blatantly obvious that I can’t believe it took me till now to realise it!”

“You’re wrong, William! I just don’t... feel that way for you, it’s just... wrong. I’m telling you this now so that we don’t have to keep lying to each other, and pretending that this is an actual relationship!”

“So it all meant nothing, is that what you are trying to say?” William’s voice was dangerously low as he said that, making him appear more unpredictable.

“No! It meant something! It did! I do love you, William, just not enough to be in the way you want it to be!” I was at a loss of ways to make him understand, why wouldn’t he just listen to me?

Instead, he sent me the filthiest look he could manage, and then left the room, leaving me to fall limp and let gravity do it’s work. I fell to the ground with a thud, curling myself up into a ball to make myself seem as small as I felt, and waited for the tears but nothing happened. I sat up, propping myself against the bed frame and reached out to the bedside table for the note that was lodged between the pages of the disowned book.

Although I knew the two words off by heart, I still let my eyes sink into the paper, absorbing the words one last time, just to check.

Track Six.

That was all there was to it, it was so simple.

Now, my brain supplied, and with jerky, automatic movements, I made my way to my suitcase, pushing clothes aside till I found Walkman, aware that Caleb would have the CD in it already. I walked into the bathroom, letting the note slip to the ground as I locked the bathroom door and squeezed into the bath, making myself comfortable before I turned on the Walkman.

Alight, track 6. Here we go.

And I listened. Again, and again, and again. Over and over. Track six, on repeat until every line was committed to memory, every breath was registered and every tone was remembered. And by the time I knew the song off by heart, my face was wet with memories, damp with a rushed wave of nostalgia.

Gabe had written this song for me. He wrote about how I had been left behind, how I had fueled his hope, how I made him keep holding on, how I understood him, how much I meant to him. Each line labeled a memory, every lyric meaning something deeper than it would to anyone else. This was my song. The song he played for me the day after my birthday, claiming he had written it for me.

But there was something wrong with this picture. The song... it was blatantly obvious that it was a love song; no one short of being deaf could deny that.

Then it hit me.

Everything was so clear, defined, obvious.

What everyone else had known, what everyone else had seen, everyone but me. It had been there all along, but I was just too stupid to connect the dots and realise for myself.

Gabe loved me. He loved me. The thought didn’t scare me, it didn’t repulse me, it didn’t make me upset.

I was happy. Fucking ecstatic. Gabe loved me, and I, though I had only consciously realised it now, I loved him too. I always had, just below the surface, but I was too frightened to believe myself.

But not anymore. I was going to fix everything, and put my life back on track.

Because Gabe loves me.