Unfair

I don’t really remember class that well. I had been too preoccupied thinking about the conversation that had happened a few moments ago, but in some part of my mind I must have been aware of what the teacher was saying because when the bell rang, I had a few pages of notes on the lecture sitting in front of me. I stared down at the words my hand had written on its own before I gathered the papers with a sigh and heaved my books back into my arms. Carefully walking around a few desks, I walked to the door, still distracted.

My mind was insisting on analyzing what he said over and over again as I walked out of the classroom. The way he had broken away from the group, the reason he gave me made my train of thought run rampant. Maybe he had done that as an excuse to get away from annoying people. Find someone that you barely knew and pretend that you had to talk to them about something. That had to have been it.

It was then that I decided I had to protect myself if he lost interest one day. I had to convince myself that he would become impassive. If I convinced myself of it now then it would soften the blow when it really happened. I had to tell myself that one day this would happen, that I would just pass by that group and know he wouldn’t call out my name like he had done today. I told myself that this would make it hurt less over and over again.

But he had called me cute. The hopeful thought bounced around in my mind, making me blush, as I continued to not pay attention to my surroundings, heading to my next class. I was so absorbed in convincing myself to expect the worst, that I didn’t notice when someone had held open the door for me to the outside path, or that they were walking next to me silently, until I felt the wind on my face.

I stopped abruptly and looked around, startled at the unannounced change of scenery. My peripheral vision spotted Caeden standing next to me, I turned to face his confused and concerned look as he stood gauging my emotional stability. I kept my face pleasantly blank.

“Are yeh still mad at me?” he asked softly as he put his hands in his pockets dejectedly and kicked at the path. I looked into his clear, deep blue eyes that stared right back at me, in slight shock. Was he truly worried that I would be angry with him? I hid my surprise, so instead, I shook my head and sighed a little amused at his childish appearance. I couldn’t stay mad at him; that was impossible for anyone. He grinned, happily placated. “Then do yeh mind telling me why yeh got all huffy,” he put on an angry face and puffed himself out to imitate how I must have looked, “like that?” He deflated himself and kept the amused grin on his face as he waited for me to answer.

Looking down at the ground near our feet, I mumbled, embarrassed. "It's not important." He lifted my chin up so my eyes looked into his again, it felt like he was gazing into my very being.

"It is teh me." My heart skipped a beat and at that point I realized I was in too deep to convince myself to cushion any blow that might come because of this interaction. The seriousness in his face, the true interest, began to chip at the wall I had built up around my personal thoughts and feelings. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could confide in someone and not be judged harshly for it.

I tightened my grip on my books and peeked over my wall to see how the other side was. "I…I've never been told that I was cute by a guy…before…" It all came out in a rush and I squeezed my eyes shut as I sped through the sentence. I waited for about half a minute before opening one of them to see Caeden giving me a look.

It was a look that I wasn't familiar with. It wasn't pity; I had seen a lot of those looks. His face had a soft look about it; his eyes seemed to smoldering with some kind of emotion. I just couldn't decipher it.

"How is that even possible?" he asked to himself more than me. Then his expression changed slightly and my heartbeat sped up. I recognized that face. I had seen it in the movies before.

His hand moved from my chin and cupped my cheek; his other hand was carefully placed on my shoulder. I could feel myself trembling; hear the sheets of paper rustle in my arms. Caeden tilted his head to the side slightly and I felt as I was hyperventilating.

Then my knees gave out and my books slipped slightly in my grasp. I quickly tensed. The hand that had been on my shoulder had slipped around my waist to steady me; I fumbled for words as I straightened up and shifted my bag higher on my shoulder.

"I-I should get to my next class," I stumbled over the words. Caeden still looked at me with the same look that the movies had before the main characters kissed. I apologized for nearly fainting and walked off to the next building, glancing over my shoulder to see him standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets—his eyes never left mine, even after I had gotten into the building.

I had finished all of the essays and work that I had gotten for the week and was laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Had I really been that close to my first kiss and screwed it up? I groaned and turned onto my stomach, hiding my face into my pillow. The window next to the bed was opened, but I didn't really expect anything to happen. I buried my head deeper into the pillow to try and hide the blush that rose to my cheeks from myself.

"Yeh shouldn't be tryin' the smother yerself," a voice called. My eyes shot open and I froze, my face still in the pillow. "Yer alive right?" The voice sounded a little more concerned. I lifted my head and rested my chin on the pillow. "Ah good." The bed indented as Caeden sat down by my waist. "Listen. About before. I’d a lot of things on me mind, and I was trying to sort ‘em all out. I was thinkin’ deeply,” he paused and laughed lightly, “and I know, it’s weird fer me teh be think deeply about anythin’, but I’m sorry if I scared yeh. I wasn’t sure about anything.”

I turned to tell him that it was okay, but his face was centimeters from mine. I hadn’t heard it, but he was leaning over me, his weight balanced on his arms—which were placed on either side of me. His eyes were had the same smoldering expression as they had before on the outside path. I might have mumbled a few incoherent thoughts, but I stopped quickly as he leaned down toward me.

He softly placed his lips on mine and my mind shut down, but apparently my body knew what to do. My lips pushed back against his, but not too much, just enough to show that I was reacting. My eyes closed, but didn’t squeeze shut, to show that I wanted this. My head leaned into the hand that he had placed on my cheek, it felt natural. My stomach was squirming. In a good way.

Then he slowly pulled back and looked at me with a soft expression. “That I was sure of.” I was speechless as I stared into his eyes. He leaned in again, his lips brushing mine. “Now don’t tell me that was yer first kiss.” I looked away from him and felt a blush creep up my neck. His fingers gently pushed my face back to face his, a soft smile playing on his lips. “Then I’ll make sure it isn’t yer last.”

And with that he kissed me again. I was finally able to form a coherent thought as I placed a hand on his face.

He kissed me…