A Deal With Death

It was 11:59 on Tuesday night when his name appeared on my list.

I was with him in a matter of seconds.

I found him lying on his side in his bathroom.

Blood was seeping from his wrists and his head rested on the ground.

“Caleb!” I shouted and knelt next to him checking his pulse; it was still there, of course.

If it wasn’t there I wouldn’t be here, Death would.

I searched through his bathroom cabinet and found bandages, bandaging him up.

Next I got a flannel and dampened it and put it on his forehead.

I didn’t know what else to do.

He was out of it and I didn’t know why.

I had stopped the bleeding so he wasn’t going to die.

I don’t know why he hadn’t appeared on my list earlier either.

Seeing that he was unconscious I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I dragged him to bed, literally.

I couldn’t carry him that’s for sure I was weak.

When I put him in bed I saw two notes lying on his pillow.

Both to me but with different names.

‘To Death’s Assistant,

If you’re reading this I have succeeded.

You are the only one to know how hard this has been for me.

You have always been there for me and I thank you for that.

I knew if I thought about it for too long you would already be here so I didn’t think about it, I just did it.

This wasn’t your fault, I didn’t want to be saved, not this time, even just to see you or hear you.

Though I do not know the contours of your face or the warmth of your smile I feel I know you better than anyone else.

You once said you were only here to stop me killing myself but you gave me more than that.

You made my last months a little happier, being with you made me happy.

Hopefully now I can see you more than before because…

I love you.’

And that was the end of that one; he confessed in his ‘last’ letter that he loved me.

‘Airlea,

I’m sorry I’ve done this I know you won’t understand.

I’ve been struggling with this for months now and I’ve finally done it.

Airlea you made me so happy every time I was with you.

You became my little light, my little hope it just wasn’t enough.

I was sick Airlea nothing could help that not even you.

I hope your life goes well, and I hope you forget me.

I will never forget you, ever,

You meant so much to me so much more than you could imagine.

My heart will always be yours,

Caleb.’

Two contradicting endings, ‘I love you’ and ‘My heart will always be yours’.

What did they both mean?

He was going to hate himself when he woke up, when he wakes up.

If he woke up alone that would be bad,

If I was still here as Death’s Assistant that might not be too good either,

If I was here as Airlea that would rise questions there seemed to be no good option.

I decided to leave him a letter.

‘Caleb,

I had to go, sorry, other people to save too.

Don’t do anything more stupid; you broke my heart last night doing this.

I’m sending Airlea over to see you; I’ve taken the letters.

I’ll see you tonight hopefully by my own choice.

Death’s Assistant.’