Even After Everything

I met him at the concert? I search his eyes.

His words seem as though there’s another meaning hiding there, but his eye’s just shine so much honesty that I have to look away.

‘Well?’

‘Well…yes,’ I say in disbelief, pulling my head back up to his. ‘And thank you so much - this just- this is huge for me. I- thank you. Just thank you.’ I shake my head at my loss for words and he pulls that half smile. That same half smile from the photo.

And then it hits me. Smile. I’d been drawing it as if it was just his mouth, slightly upturned at a corner - but it was a smile. It had to be wider, more wry - it had to meet his eyes. He had to mean it. A smile was never a smile unless it reached the eyes.

He pulls a confused look at my face, just fresh from my discovery.

‘I…I have to go home!’

‘Why?’

‘The smile! It wasn’t smiling - the mouth was there but it wasn’t smiling…and the eyes were so…so bored. It has to reach the eyes, or it will never have the look. I can’t believe I didn’t realise…’

He looks bewildered, but his phone rings, preventing him from questioning me further.

‘Hello?’ he asks. ‘Gabe, hey! Yeah no, I’m in Shrewsbury…no…no! I am leaving it, I am. What record? Oh yeah - I’m doing a duet. You still doing Crazy In Love? Ahahah. Who with..?’ This was obviously a question thrown at him which he’d repeated - he throws me a cautious glance.

‘Um…her name’s…Hannah…’ he trails off guiltily. ‘Maybe…Gabe, shut up. I’m not…I’m not! I don’t need you to tell me who I can work with.’ His tone is getting angry, but the look on his face turns back to resignation as he continues. ‘I know - and I’m not. What about her? Stop bringing that up. It’s not relevant. Gabe, I’m a big boy okay? If it works it works, if it doesn’t then…’ He throws me another glance, and I’m getting pretty pissed off that I can only hear one end of the conversation. ‘…Then we still have a record at the end of it, yeah?’ he concludes.

‘Uh huh…uh huh…I will. Yeah. Owl City. Shut up - yeah. Listen, I’m kinda in the middle of something, okay. Shut up! I’m going now. Bye…bye…BYE.’ He snaps his cell shut and looks at me apologetically. ‘I’m going to have to take off now, okay?’

He holds out a blank CD to me.

‘The track I want to cover is on here and I want to get into the studio as soon as possible. Probably next weekend if you can get the song by then. I’ll give you a call some time in the week to set it up.’ He takes a step towards me as though he might hug me, but he thinks better of it, pulling me into him with one arm instead.

And then I do something that I don’t usually do when I’m hugged. For fear of getting a waft of nasty aftershave, or body odour, I never sniff near a body, never. But as William pulls me into him, even so briefly, I inhale deeply, and I’m hit by the most overwhelming smell. It’s so familiar, but so estranged at the same time. It smells like the home I’d want to retreat to, the only smell I’d want to be comforted by. How did I recognise it?

I lurch away from William in shock as the thought registers.

‘Coconut…’ I murmur quietly.

‘Huh?’

‘You smell of coconut.’

‘Don’t you like coconut or something?’ he asks, puzzled.

My mouth gapes for a second. ‘…It’s…I remember it.’

His eyes widen. ‘What?’

‘It seems familiar in a way…’

I back away slowly, my eyes trained on him as though he might make a sudden move. What is it about him?

He’s famous. That’s probably it. I’ve spent half of my memorable life worshipping him and now he’s finally here…it’s going to my head. And even though I say it over in my head, I still feel myself backing away, muttering a sharp ‘goodbye’ as I disappear through the door.