Even After Everything

I look into his eyes, and all I see staring back is that honesty. That simplicity that says everything can be okay. And I trust him, I trust it, so I let myself go.

But saying I love you too would be far too simple, and life‘s not simple. You can’t let it be that simple when there’s so much at risk.

‘Will…’ His hopeful expression flickers for a moment, but he stays silent, waiting for me to continue. ‘You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear that from someone. Since I was tiny, I’ve always had this idea of my fairytale ending, where a guy would say something that perfect and we’d ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. But after eighteen years, I think all girls realise that that’s not ever going to happen. I gave up a long time ago looking for The One, and satisfied myself with going down a self destructive path paved with wrong boy after wrong boy. User after user. It’s a wonder I got this far.’ I try to smile weakly, but Will‘s expression falters again.

‘So I built a wall. I haven’t trusted guys in a long time.’ I meet his eyes desperately.

‘If you’re serious about this, about what you just said, then I can’t do a single thing until you promise me. That this is going to work. That you’ll try your absolute hardest to make it work. I guess I ran last time because I didn’t trust that you would, that you even could. But if you tell me now…then I’ll trust you…’ I trail off, looking away then back up at his eyes as he clears his throat.

‘I loved you back then, I‘m sure of it,’ he begins. ‘And maybe you’re right. Maybe I couldn’t have made it work. Maybe I didn’t realise I wanted it enough. But I lost you once, and I didn’t live again until I found you those few weeks ago - that’s not going to happen again. I need you - I need you to be happy, content, and…I don’t know, whatever other words mean the same thing. So I do - I promise you. Absolutely, one hundred percent. And even if you still decided to run away. Even if you forget again, I’d chase you. Right up until you said you’d stay with me forever.’ He has a pained expression. ‘Say you’ll stay with me forever…’

I blink back tears that I hadn’t realised had surfaced, smiling. All I can do is manage a nod, throwing myself at him in a hug that knocks us both to the floor.

There is no way to describe how unbelievably happy I am at this very moment. If he could say so seriously that I could trust him, then I‘ll trust him. I’m happy. Completely. At last.

Isn’t it funny how you don’t even realise that you’re not whole until someone brings back the piece of you that you lost? And my someone was Will.

We lie on the grass, hugging as I push his hair behind one ear and press my lips to it.

‘I love you,’ I murmur. His hold around my waist tightens and I hear his sharp intake of breath.

‘I love you too.’

‘So you may have mentioned,’ I giggle, pulling my head up just to look at his face - just to take in his beauty.

He pushes himself up, propped up by his arms as he presses his lips to mine - just keeping them there as if to feel their warmth, before so slowly, opening his mouth. I do the same, and as we move together in the desolate park, and it’s just like the first time we kissed again.

Yes, I can still remember it. And the only thing missing is the hesitance - I want to be here so one hundred percent completely - and for once, I’m not afraid.

Not as I realise that my heart is beating in his hands. Not as I realised how easily we could fall from this - not even as I realise that I’m not wearing even the faintest trace of makeup.

Fuck everyone if they think I’m ugly. I’m beautiful to him, and that’s all that matters.