Even If It Kills Me

Toni followed me to the living room couch after our short dinner of Captain Crunch my first night back home. It was perfectly fine with me. I would eat Captain Crunch for dinner every day for the rest of my life if it meant I could eat it with Toni.

She went straight to the tv to pop in a movie. I didn’t have to ask which one and got comfortable on the couch. She sat next to me, and I put my arms around her. She snuggled in closer to me, whispering along with all of Annie Hall’s lines from the movie into my ear. I pulled her onto my lap and she wrapped an arm around my waist, laying her head in my neck.

The movie ended too soon. Neither of us moved as the credits started rolling or after the screen went blank.

“I’m so sorry, Toni,” I blurted out abruptly, breaking the perfect silence.

“It’s okay,” she replied. “It was just-” She paused uncertainly.

“Just what?” I asked curiously, pulling away just slightly to look at her face.

“I-I thought…” she began hesitantly, fidgeting with her shirt sleeve.

“Thought what?” I asked again. She took a deep breath before continuing.

“I thought I’d have to take care of the baby all by myself,” she whispered, almost inaudibly, avoiding my eyes.

“Baby?” I repeated.

“Are you mad?” she asked quietly, instinctively holding her hands to her stomach. I gently placed a hand on hers as a smile spread across my face. Angelica had been right after all.

“I’m not mad,” I reassured her, before planting a small kiss on her lips. “I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a long time.” She breathed a sigh of relief and we fell silent for a while. She leaned back against me and I wrapped my arms around her.

“Toni?” I asked after a few minutes, vaguely wondering if she had fallen asleep.

“Yeah?” I paused for a moment, thinking about the question I wanted to ask her.

“Will you marry me?” She turned to look at me thoughtfully.

“That depends. Would you care if I sang Ben Folds Five songs all day long?” I grinned.

“No.”

“You wouldn’t be able to order take out unless it’s past ten.”

“I don’t care.”

“Would we buy real Christmas trees, not the lame-ass fake ones that don’t smell like anything? And my Captain Crunch?”

“Anything you want.”

“We wouldn’t be able to buy bright lights, though. You know they make me sneeze.”

“I know,” I said, my grin getting wider and wider each second.

“My shitty art and flashlights would be all over the place.”

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck.” She smiled at my ad-libbing and then fell silent for a few seconds.

“Then yes, I will marry you, Justin Pierre.” She turned to face me and I planted a kiss on her lips. We eventually moved from our arrangement on my couch to the bedroom to get more comfortable.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, resting my face in her soft hair.

“When she grows up, I hope that she will be just like you,” I murmured, unsure if she had fallen asleep yet.

“How do you know she’s a girl?” she asked.

“I just do,” I replied, shrugging. I had a feeling.

“Then I hope she doesn’t have your weird-ass hair,” she stated teasingly, rolling over to face me and rubbing my head, making it messier, if possible. “Love you,” she said softly, now using that hand to caress my cheek.

“Love you more,” I grinned, giving her a soft kiss on the lips. I felt like I could stay in this moment with her forever. She eventually drifted off to sleep, but I couldn’t. I watched her sleep peacefully for a while, thinking.

I had a wife and a baby on the way, which I had come close to losing. Now that I had it, it seemed stupid and selfish that I almost threw it all away. I gently covered the two of us with a blanket, taking care not to wake her.

I wanted to be the best husband and father that I could.

I silently vowed to get back on track.

And I’ll do whatever it takes.

Even if it kills me.