Even If It Kills Me

“Why is this happening to me?” I asked Angelica.

“You’ve heard of near-death experiences, haven’t you? Out of body experiences, maybe? Do you know what they all have in common?”

I shook my head and she sighed faintly.

“You ask why you’re here, Justin. You’re here to learn a lesson.”

“What lesson is that?” I asked dully. She sighed again.

“You obviously haven’t learned one, if you have to ask.” I sighed. “Do you know what that means?” I shook my head. “It means we have more places to be.” I groaned a little.

“Where are we go-” I began. She snapped her fingers and we were in my apartment before I got the rest of the sentence out. I recognized what day it was, but I couldn’t quite remember…

“No, Josh. You’re not my mom. I’ll do whatever the hell I want. Just fuck off already!”

I walked into the living room and slammed my phone down on the receiver.

Well technically, it wasn’t me, it was the other me, the past me, that was doing this.

The phone rang again.

“What the fuck now?” he exclaimed in annoyance. “Hello?” he demanded. “What, Beth?” he asked flatly. “Look, I already talked to Josh-” He rolled his eyes at the ceiling while listening to Beth. “Why are you all so sure I’m gonna do something stupid? Is that what you all think of me? That I’m some fuck up? Well, news flash, Beth! I already know that!” He paused again. “No, I don’t want you to come over! I can fucking take care of myself! I don’t need any of you guys to come check up on me like I’m a fucking four-year old!” He listened again. “Fine, Beth. Whatever. Goodbye.” I winced a little at the tone I had taken with Josh and Beth when they were just concerned about me.

The phone rang for the third time. He muttered to himself before picking it up.

“Hello?” his voice softened a little, hearing who it was. “Toni, no. I just want to be alone right now.” Another pause. “I said I’m fine.” Pause. “Toni. Just…no. They’re wrong. I want to be alone tonight. That’s all. Bye, Toni.” He hung up and sighed in exhaustion.

He went through the kitchen cabinets. I knew what he was looking for. He searched for a few minutes before finding the tequila and vodka that had been leftover from Matt’s birthday party last week. He brought those, along with a few cans of beer to the living room coffee table. He stared at them indecisively for a bit, unsure where to start. He grabbed a can of beer to begin. It was only when he was stumbling drunk did he head for the bathroom medicine cabinet, shaking various containers in a search of the sleeping pills.

That was all I had wanted. To sleep and forget everything, just for awhile.

He finally grabbed one, bringing it back to the living room.

No, you idiot! I wanted to scream at myself. I now realized my mistake. I hadn’t grabbed my sleeping pills, I had grabbed something else. It didn’t even really matter what that something else was, the point was that it put me to sleep, all right. Almost permanently.

“Do I really have to see how I fucked up again?” I asked Angelica, somewhat embarrassed that we were here watching how I almost killed myself.

“If you don’t learn from your mistakes, then what will teach you?”

“I’m a little old for school, in case you haven’t noticed,” I said sardonically.

“You may not be dead yet, but you might force me to take drastic measures,” she countered, gritting her teeth in annoyance.

I shut up only because I knew arguing with her wasn’t getting me anywhere.

And because I wasn’t so sure how to take a death threat from an angel.