Even If It Kills Me

“Guess where we’re going next?” Angelica asked. I opened my mouth but we were there before I could give a guess. We headed inside.

“You didn’t snap your fingers that time,” I noted wryly, about the change in scenery.

“Do you want me to say some magic words, too?” she asked sardonically. I heard my own voice interrupt me before I could retort.

“God damn it, Josh. Why is my fucking pizza taking fucking forever?”

“Shut up, Justin. You barely fucking ordered it five minutes ago,” he snapped back.

“Fuck you, Josh.” I grinned.

I knew this place only too well. It was the pizza place where Josh had worked when we were still trying to get the band started up and also where we had met Jesse.

I remembered this exact day, too.

I, well, not technically me, but you know what I mean; the memory of myself was sitting at the counter, annoying Josh to no end as he tried to work. It had been a slow day.

A few minutes later, Jesse barged back in from his break, looking pissed off.

“What’s up?” Josh asked him, as he got behind the counter again.

“My band just broke up,” he explained, rolling his eyes as he pulled his apron on.

My memory-self and Josh exchanged a significant glance.

“Hey Jesse, you ever play keyboard before?”

“Come on,” Angelica said, tapping me and pulling me along. I obediently followed her away from the scene and back outside. I followed her to what looked like Jesse’s place.

Something changed in the moment that was different than the other memories. This time, I was actually in it. I was experiencing that night all over again. Possibly one of the best nights of my life: the night I had met Antonia.

I realized I was no longer following Angelica, but now Josh. It was darker out. I looked around, but didn’t see her anywhere. Strange…

“Hey, Justin, I’m going to look for Matt, he should be here by now,” Josh told me, as we entered the party at Jesse’s house. I wandered the party, looking for the drinks.

I noticed Tony talking to some girl.

Scratch that, she wasn’t some girl. She was the girl.

I heard her laugh at something Tony said, and I found myself feeling jealous that he could make her laugh, and I that didn’t even know her name. I wanted her to laugh again, except I wanted it to be at something I said.

“Justin!” Tony called, noticing me staring. I walked over. “Justin, this is Antonia.” I managed to smile at her, and I saw her studying my hair, as if in amusement.

“Can I get you a drink, Justin?” she asked me, after Tony had walked away to talk to Matt.

“Aren’t I supposed to be asking you that?” I asked. Never mind that I didn’t know where the drinks were.

“You snooze, you lose,” she said, shrugging. “Come on. Let me get you something.”

“I’ll take anything you give me,” I blurted out. “I didn’t mean for that to sound dirty,” I added, realizing. She laughed her pretty laugh and I blushed at how stupid I sounded. She left for a minute or so and came back with two cups.

“Careful, I might have drugged that,” she said, nonchalantly, motioning to the plastic cup she had just handed me.

“Why would you do that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. She shrugged.

“You know. Kidnapping, date rape, take advantage of you,” she said. “The usual.”

“I’ll take my chances,” I told her, grinning at her strange sense of humor as I swallowed a mouthful. She grinned back, staring at me in amusement again.

“I don’t like your hair,” she said suddenly. “But it works for you.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I think.” There was a compliment in there somewhere, right? “I like your…belt,” I finished lamely. She laughed and I blushed again, grinning.