Even If It Kills Me

“Do you want to know how I died, Justin?” I nodded, though now unsure. We were sitting on the grass near a lake. She continued. “I died almost ten years ago, well, in your time, anyways. I was only twenty. I died the same way you might have. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just made a stupid mistake.”

“Why did you-”

“I’m not proud of what I did,” she stated, cutting me off. I stayed silent. “You called it a ‘break,’” she reminded me, giving a short, humorless laugh. “Sure gave myself a break, didn’t I?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, because I wasn’t entirely sure what you’re supposed to say when someone tells you how they died. Wait…that whole sentence just sounds messed up.

“Only twenty? That’s not fair,” I mumbled, now feeling incredibly ungrateful and just barely realizing how much I had taken for granted.

“I know. Nothing ever is,” she replied calmly, not looking the least bit bitter, closing her eyes again. I watched her wordlessly. “Dying isn’t as bad as people make it out to be,” she stated, out of nowhere. “It’s actually kind of peaceful, you know?” I nodded, even though I didn’t have the slightest idea. She laughed, opening her bright blue eyes again. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“A little,” I admitted. She laughed again.

“Everyone talks about dying like it’s a bad thing. You’re taught to fear it. It’s really just a part of life.” She paused. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s hard. It’s not something to rush.”

We sat silently for a long time. I thought hard.

What had I been thinking a few days ago? Thinking that if everyone just left me alone, I’d be perfectly alright? What kind of idiot was I? All I’d done was hurt myself and everyone that cares about me. What was wrong with me that I repeatedly did that, over and over? How could I let myself relapse again? How long would it take me to realize that that wasn’t helping anybody?

What a pain in the ass I must be to everyone. To Josh. He was crazy for even wanting to start a band with me in the first place. And Tony, Jesse, and Matt. They were crazy, too, for jumping along for the ride. And Beth. Part-time my babysitter, part-time merch girl, full-time best friend. And the fans? What a lovely example I’m setting.

And my parents. And my sister. They’d supported me all my life, and I repay them by almost dying?

And what about Antonia? I could hardly believe she was still with me. I had gone through all my usual unintentional motions of sabotaging my chances of happiness I found with her, and she had never wavered even once. She was crazy for putting up with me.

Crazy for loving me.

Maybe everyone else is crazy, and I’m the sane one.

How messed up would that be?

I had to stop doing this. If not for myself, for everyone else. Crazy as they might be.

Especially for Toni and the guys.

As I zoned back in, I felt Angelica’s gaze on me, as if she could read my mind.

Although, for all I knew, she could. A smile slowly spread across her face as she stood up from her spot next to me on the grass.

“I think you understand now. Goodbye Justin,” Angelica said, smiling softly.

“But-”

“I’ll admit, you grew on me, but it’s time for you to go back now.”

She faded away into a bright light and I couldn’t see anything for a few seconds.

Had it all been a dream? A hallucination?

Or was I just crazy, like I had suspected all along?

The white light got even brighter, and I had to close my eyes. I could see the piercing light even through my eyelids and wondered when it would stop.