A Thousand Oceans Wide

As soon as Tom reached home, he stormed though the house and past Bill, up to the attic and he slammed the door shut.

Bill was shocked by Tom's reaction. "Not again," he sighed as he jogged up the stairs and soon, he came knocking on the attic door. "Open up," Bill said, knocking some more. "What happened now?"

Tom's persistence in denying the fact he had just learnt was as persistent as him ignoring Bill. He sat on the couch staring into emptiness. Nothing had life around him, and he felt greatly overwhelmed now and he wasn't sure why. He felt like crying, but he couldn't. Maybe not yet.

"Tell me, or I'll ask Heidi myself," Bill threatened. Tom hated Bill so much at that moment. Couldn't he just leave him alone for once?

"Go away," Tom frowned before curling up, knees to his chest. This was unbelievable. He still couldn't swallow it. He had a son?

"I'm calling her right now," Bill smirked, taking out his phone and pressing her number. "One, two, three. Okay-"

"Fuck, don't call her!" Tom shouted out loud. He didn't want him to because he didn't want Bill to go on and rant on to him about what he did and what he should have done. What happened happened, and there was no use brooding over it. It just couldn't be. He was only eighteen and he had a four-year-old son?!

Bill smiled to himself, arms crossed as he waited for Tom to unlock the door. He waited for a while but the door was still locked. "Hey," Bill frowned. "Open up!"

"We can talk like this," Tom said.

"Fine," Bill rolled his eyes. He decided to let Tom have his way this time. "What happened? And please tell me everything."

Tom tried to find the words but he struggled through it. Finally, he decided to go with the simplest of all. "I have a son," he said, not very loudly.

For a split moment, Bill thought he heard 'I am the sun.' He was puzzled, and he banged the door hard once. "What the hell?"

"Bill, I have a fucking son!" Tom repeated, louder than usual. A part of him felt horrible for using that kind of adjective on that little boy. "I have a... I have a son," Tom said. As he released that last sentence properly, he was sniffling and Bill could hear him. He was at first, shocked, then disbelieving, indifferent, angry... and now it slowly transcended into the stage of empathy.

Behind the door and outside the attic, Bill stood frozen, a hand on the doorknob. He, too, tried his best to let the information sink in. Just a single sentence wouldn't cut it. "Tom, let me in," Bill said. "Let me in now."

"Go get the fucking key yourself," Tom cried, unable to find the energy to stand up. His eyes were red, and he had the faintest idea in the world why he was breaking down. There was this great cloud of something that shrouded him, and he was just letting it all out. An eighteen-year-old boy with everything in the world. Yes, even an own son. It was a lot for him to take in, considering he had always had that carefree life. Having a son, to him, was like being tied down. Double. Plus there was the element of shock. It wasn't the prettiest of patch-ups, that's for sure. His empathetic self transited into the phase of unexplained sadness. He wasn't exactly sad... He didn't even know why he was crying.

"Shit," the younger muttered. Bill heard the melancholy is Tom's voice and he didn't argue, quickly running down to get the keys from the kitchen.

Tom remained in the same position, hugging his knees close to his chest. He had stopped the tears from flowing but his face was a mess. He thought about it for a while, the phrase 'I have a son' replaying on his mind like a broken radio. The next moment he knew, Bill came rushing in. He ran to his dear brother's side, kneeling beside him on the couch and hugging the older close. It was like a reverse role that Bill was playing; he was playing the calming big brother.

"I have a son," Tom said. It was like the only sentence he knew. He didn't know if he should be happy or sad, but his eyes started welling up again as he leaned against Bill.

"Are you sure?" Bill asked. "What do you mean?"

Tom groaned. "I have a son!"

"Okay, okay," Bill frowned. "Damn," he muttered. He patted Tom's back. "Can you explain to me?" He thought maybe it was a groupie who called him back saying she was pregnant.

"I d-don't kno-ow," Tom took a deep, ragged breath in. He looked pathetic, and he was thankful for the private confinements of home sweet home.

Bill felt his brother's unquestionable depression. He didn't have enough details, and so he started asking questions to satisfy his own curiosity. "Slowly," Bill said, stroking Tom's back "Shh. If you're the father, who's the mother?"

Tom didn't respond. It should be easy to guess the name, and all Tom did was sob quietly. He thought of Heidi, hoping Bill would, too. And then he mumbled. "Heid-" And then he sniffled. It was hard for him to go on.

And then Bill paused his embrace. His eyes stared at the other couch before he looked at Tom. "Heidi?" he asked. "Heidi is the moth- Wait, wait. Then where's the child? Who's the child?"

Tom's sad frown deepened on his temple as he tried his best to get that answered. "Mar-Markus is not h-her brother," Tom stuttered, swallowing hard as he tried to clear his mouth of all the awkwardness hindering his speech. He realized how idiotic he was right now, acting like it was the end of the world and crying. Or was it really the end of the world as he knew it?

Bill was equally as shocked, trying hard to piece the pieces together. Tom hadn't done that because he was too busy freaking out. "Oh my God," Bill whispered and he hugged Tom again, trying to calm him down instead of working up his blood pressure any higher.

"How's th-that possible? For four y-years?!" Tom frowned. His sobbing was dying down, but hiccups were still here and there.

"Plus her pregnancy, it would be almost five," Bill added helpfully. And he gave his brother a tight, loving squeeze. "Don't tell me you didn't use a condom."

"It was- It was my first time, Bill!" Tom took in a shaky breath, still cuddled beside Bill. "I was just trying to get it over and done with."

"That's what they call beginner's luck for being first time lucky," Bill muttered under his breath. Tom was trying to calm down, and he had no energy to retaliate.

"Fuck you, Bill." Tom sighed as it was all he managed, rubbing his eyes. God, he had a son. "Fuck you."

Bill ignored that as his brilliant, little proactive mind starting to put two and two together. His eyes widened. "That was why she's a year late in school!" Bill piped up. "She skipped a year because she was pregnant!"

Tom droned. "Oh, God."

"And... And that was what Brigette and Johanna meant!" the little brother continued. "You did something to Heidi and they were indirectly- Oh, oh! Wait!"

"Shut up, please," Tom frowned. He held his face in his hands. Another part of him wanted Bill to go on, and so he didn't persist too much.

Bill looked at Tom and flailed slightly. "So that's why she's so cold to you! And she's alright with me!" Bill held Tom by the shoulders. "It's all because of this, don't you see? And she always tried to get out of our sight as soon as possible. Can't you see it? The past two weeks... Wow. And now you have a kid. Just... Wow." Bill was surprised, and he tried not to smile too big. This was way beyond his wildest imaginations. He didn't whether to laugh or cry, just like Tom.

"I don't want to be a dad," Tom revealed. He didn't think he could be one despite how possible it was that Markus was really his. "And no, w-wait. He can't be my son. Maybe it w-was someone else's. Maybe she was raped!"

Bill couldn't believe his brother. "How dare you say that?!" he frowned, hitting Tom on the shoulder. "You know Heidi wouldn't make up such stories! And if you count back the years, it's really accurate!"

"There's no proof! Maybe s-she slept with someone else the n-next day!" the older brother tried all excuses.

"Tom," Bill looked at the other. "Stop lying to yourself. You're a father. You see, Markus has blonde hair- Well, a little too blonde but that's what you get when you put two blondes together and everyone knows that."

"He's more l-like Andi's kid!" Tom interrupted. Andreas, one of their best friends, had platinum blonde hair as well. "I've always thought he re-reminded me of him."

"True but not true. Andi always uses a condom. And, oh my God," Bill said suddenly. "Did you ever notice his eyes?" Bill asked. "Did you ever notice Markus' eyes?"

"Hell, no," Tom quickly answered, looking away. Actually, he did. That was something he remembered vividly. He kind of expected what Bill was going to say, so he said first. "Just don't tell me they're chocolate brown like ours."

"No," Bill gave a small smile as he held his brother's wrists. "They're chocolate brown like yours."

"Shit," Tom muttered under his breath. "Ohh, why aren't they blue..?" And he covered his face once more, burying his expressions.

Bill slapped him once more on his arm. "Can you stop acting like a kid and grow up? You have some responsibility to take now. That's why I told you, never to fuck around! God." The idea of Tom ever being a father never really dawned on either of the twins, and now it was coming true. All too soon for Tom's liking but it was not like they could turn back time.

"I can't do this!" Tom shook his head. He took another deep breath and rubbed his face again. It was heated from the explosion of emotions, but he was getting used to it. "I can't be a father, and you know that!"

"Anyone can be a father! It's only whether you want to or not," Bill smiled assuringly as he pinched Tom's cheeks. "But I'd be happy enough being an uncle for now. Oh my God, I'm an uncle!" Bill clapped softly. "I'm so proud of you, Tom." And he enveloped Tom in another squeeze.

"Stop fucking teasing me," Tom frowned, pushing Bill away from him slightly. This wasn't fun. He was afraid he couldn't live up to Heidi's expectations. And he had a life, too. "You're supposed to be helping me, you idiot. Or like, crying with me."

"How can I cry?" Bill raised his eyebrows. He was all smiles terribly amused and amazed by this piece of news. "This is crazy!"

"Yeah," Tom grunted. "And this is like, the last day of my miserable life." He shook his head and held his hands together, staring at the floor.

"Aw, come on," Bill said. "Look on the bright side."

"There is no bright side," Tom replied straight.

"Well, um. Wow, imagine keeping your own son as your brother," Bill shook his head, amazed as he ignored Tom's words. He tried to change the course of the topic. "The Schmidts are good liars. It's such a perfect story... we probably wouldn't have ever found out!"

Tom rolled his eyes and gave a loud sigh. "I wonder if they know it's me who did it to them. I'm sure they hate me."

"Maybe. The worst is over, though," Bill smiled. "I've heard the worst part was changing the diapers and hey, you've got him in the 'manageable' stage right now. At least he walks, so you don't have to carry him around."

"There are such things as baby prams. Or trolleys, whatever," Tom said. He realized he was kind of speaking up for the child.

"Markus is not your grocery," Bill rolled his eyes. "And look, he's not a bad kid, come to think of it! He doesn't scream, he doesn't shout and- He's not like us in that sense."

"I know," Tom sighed. He took of his cap and held his head for a while. Just let in sink in, please, he thought to himself. He was going to have a headache if it didn't process.

Bill turned to look at Tom. "He's just like mommy; sweet and nice. Thank God he's not like you! Oh, and he's got our noses. I mean, your nose. It's so cute."

"Does this sound funny to you?" Tom frowned. He was serious, but apparently Bill was seeing it differently.

"No," Bill bit back a smile. "It's just... It's just unbelievable."

Rolling his eyes, Tom continued. "How can I ever tell anyone about this?" he clenched his fists. "It'll be so weird going, 'Hi, I have a son' and the guys will probably laugh at me."

"Then I'll kill them for you," Bill smirked. "They wouldn't, come on. Be proud of him. He's like... a mini you! A good version, of course."

"Oh, please," Tom groaned. "I thought you hated kids."

Bill laughed. "I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. Maybe not yet. I'm still eighteen."

Tom crossed his arms. "Oh, yeah? And guess what, I'm still eighteen, too." He gave a fake smile.

"You have sex too much," Bill teased. "Imagine all the pain our little Heidi went through. God, Tom! You're evil!"

"Really, stop it," Tom narrowed his gaze at the other couch. The guilt he felt came flooding back, and triple the dosage he ever had. He cupped his face in his hands, wondering what next to do. "How do I tell mom?"

"Hey, mom. I have a son and his name is Markus," Bill grinned. He was more excited about this than Tom was.

Tom stared at Bill. "What? It can't be that easy," Tom said.

"Hello," Bill rolled his eyes. "We have our own money so you are more than able to take care of him and Heidi! And wait, did you get back with her?"

Tom thought about that. "We were almost going to when she told me about him."

"Oh," Bill mumbled. "So... call her up and tell her everything's okay then. She's definitely a yes for our mom."

"I walked out on her. She was... She was crying when I left the house," Tom sighed softly. "Wait, damn it. I'm a father." He was still feeling the aftereffects of the shocking news.

"Yes, yes, you are. Lucky you," Bill half-smiled. "I want to see him. And I want to see her."

"What?" Tom said, frowning in question. "Do I have to tell mom now?" He was pretty confused since his whole mind was full with the words 'I am a father. I have a son.'

"First things first," Bill said. "Patch things up with Heidi, talk to the child, and then do whatever the hell you want." He gave a huge grin. He was eager to meet his little nephew.

"Heidi wants him to know that we're his parents," Tom mumbled as he got up, getting a beer from the minibar. "I don't know if I want to do that."

Bill saw that and quickly snatched it from Tom. "No drinking! I want you to drive there right now before Heidi gets anymore misled by your reactions. Come on!"

"But I'm not ready!" Tom exclaimed, but Bill still blocked the way. "I need time to think it over!"

"There's no time!" Bill said. He saw the seriousness in Tom's face and he sighed. "Fine, but make sure you call her or something. I don't want to be the one always trying to contact her."

"Thanks, now get out," Tom said plainly. He wanted time by himself without Bill mocking him.

Bill laughed. "What?"

"I need to smoke, drink and be alone," Tom said. "At least for a few hours. And please go down and shut up. I can't afford you losing your voice again."

Bill sighed softly. "Don't do anything I wouldn't," he gave his brother a hug before heading for the door.

"Hey," Tom said. "Don't tell anyone I... You know." He gave Bill a look. And he sighed hard, rubbing his face.

"Yeah, I won't tell anyone you cried about this," Bill smirked before turning and leaving him alone.

Tom went to the window after getting a can of beer. He lit a cigarette and started smoking. It had been a while since he last did, and now he needed one badly. He started thinking if it would be bad to be smoking in front of Markus. God, Markus, Tom thought. A new Kaulitz. Just an hour ago, he was just a single boy trying to get back with his ex-girlfriend. Now, he was a father. The deep thinker looked out the window as the sun slowly set beyond the horizon. Somewhere out there was his little boy, probably in the arms of a weeping mother.