A Thousand Oceans Wide

Bill shivered as his gaze fell from Tom’s eyes to his hands. And the fact that Tom was leaning over the edge, propped up by stepping slightly on the railing near ground level, it scared the living daylights out of him.

“Get down!” Bill commanded, taking a step closer. “Please!”

The spotlight was on the older twin, and the mess he held glistened under it like diamonds. Never in Bill’s life had he seen so much blood in one place in person, and not to mention, on his own twin brother. Even though it really wasn’t a lot, Bill was freaked out.

A part of him wanted to drop to the ground but thankfully, he held himself up against the sliding doors. His breathing was erratic, and Tom shot him a weak look before looking down at his hands again.

“What…the Hell…are you doing?” Bill asked, his voice shaky and unsure. Tears inevitably formed in his eyes.

“It fucking split,” Tom growled, the darkness in his eyes hiding all signs of sadness from the earlier conversation he had with Heidi. His calloused fingers traced the stitches that weren’t holding his cut together anymore.

Bill’s voice was soft and trembling. “Don’t scare me, please!”

Tom’s eyes widened, bracing the groans that the wound would make him make. “What?” Tom asked, looking down some more, and Bill immediately jumped on Tom and the both of them gave a similar-sounding exclamation with Bill’s sounding more like a yelp. “Bill!” Tom shouted, angered. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Don’t jump, please!” Bill begged, shaking his head as he cried relentlessly. Tears were spilling, but it seemed to be a more brotherly than feminine sort of cry. In other words, Bill really, really meant it.

Tom’s gaze on Bill faltered as he shrugged his brother off. “What…?!” His jaws dropped. “I’m not jumping, you idiot!”

Bill’s eyes flickered open when Tom successfully peeled him off. “Then…then what were you doing?!” He slowly pulled Tom away from the edge. Needless to say, he was suggesting they went inside. He ignored the drops of blood on the floor and closed the door as they sat on the bed.

Tom insisted on standing. “What?” He frowned, shaking his head. “I saw that it was bleeding. I was just hitting it a couple of times on the railing and I think I felt it split so I took off the bandaging to look—”

“Then what are you doing outside?!” Bill demanded to know, his hands still slightly shaking.

“I was talking outside,” he nodded to the phone that was left on the table behind the glass door in the balcony.

His gaze returned to an unnerved Bill. “I took the bandage off and it just flew away. Stupid wind.” Tom grumbled slightly. “And I tried to catch it but I almost fell over the edge. Yeah. Stupid, I know.”

Bill’s face turned from one of disturbance and confusion to one that was full of disbelief. “What?” He scoffed. "How can that thing fucking open up... Why does that sound so dramatic to me?”

Tom rolled his eyes and looked away. “Whatever,” he said. “It landed on the balcony below mine, so I was just looking at it.”

“God,” Bill breathed. He rubbed his eyes a bit and shook his head. “Let’s get that permanently fixed, okay? Come on,” he said, pulling Tom along. His smile appeared. “And I got something to tell you— Wait!”

Bill’s eyes widened dramatically as Tom’s crestfallen mood returned. Neither understood what the other was thinking. “What?” Tom asked, grabbing his phone from the balcony before coming in again.

“Please, please, please,” Bill bit his lip and crossed his fingers with his two raised hands. “Tell me you haven’t spoken to Heidi about it. Tell me, please, you chickened out last minute and you didn’t tell her the truth.” And he read Tom’s forlorn face and sighed. “You did?”

“I can’t lie to her,” Tom mumbled. “Even if it’s a white lie, I don’t feel good and you were right—”

“You idiot!” Bill shouted, his tone more of like a reprimanding one than that of a news bearer. “You didn’t sleep with Georgia!” His hands were raised and clenched into a fist before he let out a groan. “You didn’t!”

Tom could feel his heart stop. His eyes dilated and his breathing paused for a split moment. Bill nodded fervently like as if he could read Tom’s mind. Tom shook his head in disbelief.

“No,” Tom said. “What do you mean?”

“What do you mean no?” Bill gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to slap Tom’s face. A grin quickly appeared. “Go call her now and tell her you didn’t sleep with her, end of story!”

Tom stared at Bill like he was absurd. “What?” Tom frowned. “How do you know?”

Bill sighed. “I met her downstairs!” He gushed. “She told me everything!”

“The nerve of her…!” Tom said, fists clenched. “How could she lie to me!?” He flew around in a rage, not knowing what other words to describe the way he was feeling.

“I don’t know,” Bill patted Tom’s back. “She said you were yelling at her and she didn’t have a chance to speak. And…”

Tom looked over at his twin brother when his sentence stopped midway. Curiously, he asked. “And what?” He pushed Bill’s shoulder with the free hand.

“And she knows about Heidi,” Bill mumbled. And a frown covered his face. He pushed Tom’s shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell her about Heidi, huh? Why?” And he prodded his older brother with a finger again, peeved.

Tom winced at Bill’s antics. “Fuck you,” he grumbled before heading for the door. The blood on his hand was drying up and it encrusted around the two-inch long wound. Never had he expected it to bleed so much. Like the doctor said, it was pretty deep and Tom briefly recalled how harshly he rammed his hand against that unfortunately sharp glass shard. “Why didn’t I tell her? Why do you think I’m keeping Heidi a secret, huh, Bill?”

Bill frowned slightly. “You didn’t want her to be known?” He tried.

Tom slapped his forehead, changing the subject quickly. He knew that talking about the incident-that-never-occurred was more important than anything. His eyes were piercing and directly at Bill. “Tell me everything!” He said.

“That’s all!” Bill said. “She was shocked when I told her Heidi was your girlfriend. She was all ‘why didn’t you tell me’ and shit. Jesus. What are you going to do?”

“Ugh!” Tom groaned, slapping his head. “Why does it have to be like this? Does this mean I should quit parties and alcohol altogether? Does it?”

“Maybe,” Bill mumbled, arms crossed. “If your willpower is strong enough, I’m sure you can. And I noticed, you haven’t been smoking much with me these days—”

“I know,” Tom bit his lip, cutting Bill off slightly. His gaze faltered slightly as he headed for the door. “I know it’s bad…for children.”

Bill followed Tom out of the room, closing the door behind him. “That’s really thoughtful of you,” he said. “I’m just glad we aren’t all obsessed with smoking. I just hate it when the media gets so caught up with us doing that. Doesn’t everyone else? I mean, come on!”
“What am I going to tell her?” Tom blurted as he paced down the hallway hurriedly. He changed the subject, obviously more concerned about the supposed truth than the media’s thoughts on the band being smokers.

Bill gasped slightly. “The truth,” he nodded. Tom threw him a look. “I mean the real truth.”

Tom rubbed his forehead with the cleaner hand. “It’s crazy, Bill,” he mumbled. “It’s freaking crazy! It’s so messed up, and she’d think I’m trying to cover it up, you know? Lie to her to make her feel better. Doesn’t it sound fabricated to you now?”

Bill raised his hands to stop Tom from talking anymore, and there was a bit of a silence when Tom pressed the button. “Call her now,” he said.

“Call her what?” Tom frowned.

“Now!” Bill shouted. And the lift the opened to them had passenegers. The ride down tens of stories was silent until they reached the lobby. “Now,” Bill repeated.

Tom gulped, following Bill to a quieter place of the lobby. He pulled out his phone and dialed with one hand before waiting for the phone to ring and for Heidi to pick up. He was sure she wasn’t asleep yet.

Heidi shifted around uneasily in bed. She could see Tom’s name on her phone, the light turning on and off, but she couldn’t bear to retrieve the call. She didn’t feel like talking to Tom. Bill tried calling, and she didn’t pick up either. She turned off her phone and kept it under her pillow, slowly falling asleep.

Tom’s eyes went red, and he couldn’t believe she wasn’t picking up his calls. His mouth ran dry even before he could speak, and then, he gave up.

Bill watched as Tom messaged simply: It’s a misunderstanding. Please forgive me. Explaining when I get home.

* * *

Heidi dressed Markus up in his best casual wear and brought him to the airport with her. She had already noted Tom’s flight number, and she made her way to the arrival hall for private flights.

Inside her, she was feeling very fragile but she was trying not to let anything show. In just a few minutes, Tom was going to be walking out of the glass doors and Markus would be pining for him. She couldn’t rain on their parade, could she?

And she recalled the message Tom had left her among many others that day. What kind of misunderstanding was it? She was curious and confused, but another part of her wanted it to remain a secret. If Tom was going to hurt her some more, she wasn’t going to take it. What she doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt.

With her hand in Markus’ she guided her son along the waiting hall. There were comfortable seats and fresh flowers along the walls, and Markus pressed himself against the glass divider as he stared at a crowd of people coming out with large black and gray boxes.

Heidi knew it was the Tokio Hotel entourage, and she took a deep breath as she spotted Gustav and Bill going through the last metal detector. The German security guard stopped Bill for wearing so many metal accessories, and Heidi couldn’t help but laugh.

She could see Georg lingering behind, but Tom was nowhere to be found.

“Bill!” Markus exclaimed joyfully as he slammed his hands against the glass, his nose pressed against the panel. “Mami, mami! See! It’s Bill! And…”

Heidi laughed softly as she lowered herself to his level. “Georg and Gustav,” she said, pointing respectively. Some of the crew members came out and greeted Heidi and Markus as well as some other people waiting for them.

“Markus Kaulitz!” Georg huffed in his deep voice, mimicking a monster vocally, wrinkles in the corner of his pale green eyes. Both him and Gustav took turns carrying Markus and exchanging kisses with Heidi as they all watched Bill take off and put on his accessories again, much to the young child’s amusement.

The zealous Markus squealed in excitement when he saw Bill finally bustling towards him in an extremely animated way, an enormous grin on either of their faces. “The little baby!” Bill enthused, squeezing Markus’ cheeks before carrying him.

Gustav teased, "Did you really have to wear so many of those stuff, Bill?" And the adults laughed.

When Heidi was too distracted by the three men before her, Tom appeared by her side. There was the loudest cry from Markus who had his head turned almost one hundred and eighty degrees around from Bill. As if on cue, everyone kept silent. Only the young Markus was providing the soundtrack for that awkward moment.

Apparently, Georg and Gustav had heard of the little misunderstanding and they knew better than to speak at that moment.

“TomTom!” Markus piped. His immense caramel-colored eyes were fixated on Tom’s similar pair, and the child was waving his hands his father. Tom was grinning inevitably, distracted by his little son so he hardly looked at Heidi for more than a few seconds. “Hello! Hello, TomTom!”

Heidi felt her heart skip two beats when she witnessed the warmth Tom portrayed and how sincere it was despite whatever he had done across the ocean. She was still bitter about it, but such joy watching her son and his father communicate eased her so much and she couldn’t help but grin widely while crossing her arms.

“Hi,” Tom said to Heidi over the elation. He wanted to hug her, but she pulled away. No one knew what this young woman felt inside. The hurt and betrayal swirling into her stomach and it hurt. She merely tried to stay happy in front of everyone. However, the other three other than Tom noticed how Heidi resisted the embrace.

Heidi smiled back. “Hello."

Bill leaned in to whisper to the child. “That would be your daddy,” he said. “Papa!”

“Papa!” Markus shouted as Tom picked him up in his own strong arms. Bill gave a soft sigh and a smile as everyone else looked at the one happy family. Tom gave Markus little nuzzles against his cheek and stomach before ending it with a sloppy kiss on his right cheek.

As cheesy as it sounded, Tom absolutely adored it when his young little Kaulitz erupted into fits of giggles during the rapture. Sure, lots of children reacted this way but knowing that this was his real son, his one and only, he couldn’t help but go warm and fuzzy at that sight. It had been weeks since he had acknowledged Markus, yet he felt like it was just yesterday they had found each other.

“Oh my God,” Heidi breathed suddenly. She pointed to Tom’s hand. “What happened?” She eyed him with a soft frown.

Tom bit his lip as the others stayed mum. “I dropped some glass and cut myself by accident,” he mumbled, rubbing the bandage a bit.

Markus’ eyes widened. “Cut yourself?” He asked, head cocked to a side as he touched the bandage, tracing the trail Tom’s fingers left.

Tom nodded briefly as his nose and lips lingered against the soft blond hair of his little son. Heidi sighed and said, “As long as you’re okay…” She mumbled, trying not to show that much concern. It wasn’t like it was that serious, and he was as fit as a fiddle.

And Tom’s gaze fell hard on Heidi who was looking at him and his son in adoration. He could tell she was truly happy watching how happy Markus was, but he knew this whole thing would have been a happier one if not for his stupidity in New York. And everyone fell silent again; Markus as well as he stared into Tom’s eyes addictively.

“Uh, I’ll flag a cab,” Gustav smiled and waved goodbye to Heidi and the rest as Georg followed suit. “Bye!” He rubbed Markus’ head of pale-colored hair before pulling their luggage with them.

Tom smiled and nodded at them as they disappeared. His glance directed at Heidi, and he felt a familiar sense of nostalgia like they were transported back in time to when they were younger. Bill, Heidi and him at the airport. The awkwardness that hung in between them and it was something that Tom did that upset Heidi and Bill knew about it. It was like déjà vu.

“TomTom, where did you go?” An unexpected question from Markus broke the silence, and the gaze Tom and Heidi held faltered as the father looked at his son.

Tom’s smile formed. “To America,” he answered, readjusting Markus on his arm. “And I bought you something.”

“What is that?” Markus’ eyes widened in great curiosity, staring blankly past Tom.

“Many kinds of sweets,” Tom laughed softly as he noticed his son’s attention was not entirely on him.

Markus squealed and Bill chuckled. “I bet you would love Nerds! They’re these cute little crunchy things!” Bill kisses Markus' cheek.

“He loves sweets,” Heidi chirped, smiling softly as she readjusted her bag full of Markus’ belongings.

There was a little silence from Markus as he started tapping Tom’s shoulders. Tom looked at him questioningly, that sincere kindness in his eyes. “Yes, Marki?” He asked.

“I want to go to the toilet!” Markus pleaded with a tiny smile. Heidi immediately widened her eyes.

“Oh, dear,” she mumbled. “He has to go now or he’d wet himself… Let’s go, Marki—”

“I’ll go,” Tom offered without hesitation. Heidi looked at him, and Bill bit his lower lip as he tried to suppress a smile.

Heidi wasn’t going to say no if Tom really wanted to help. “Are you sure?” She asked. “He can get pretty messy because he can’t aim too well. You might have to personally…you know. Hold it.”

Tom shook his head and grinned, albeit awkward. “I’ll have to get used to it, right?” He laughed.

“Alright,” Heidi mustered a small smile. “Fold up his shirt and just carry him up against the urinal.” She went to Markus and craned her neck to his eye level. “Baby, do you want to pass motion, too?”

Markus dithered for a while before nodding. “Yes,” he said. And Tom mentally winced at the image of baby dumping. Bill snickered softly, but bit on his lower lip as soon as Tom shot him a glare.

Heidi gave a little laugh. “It would smell pretty badly, but you’ll get used to it.” She read Tom’s face of apprehensiveness and continued, asking, “Are you sure you want to bring him to the toilet?”

“I want to go to the toilet, mami,” Markus repeated, not really grasping most of what his parents were saying. Bill made a face at Markus and the little boy before passing him a huge grin.

“I’ll do it,” Tom nodded, smiling at Heidi and Bill, and Markus. And he started to walk along towards the direction of the toilet. To his son, he said, “You want me to change your diapers for you? Do you want?”

Heidi bit her lip. “He wears underwear now,” she said. “Since the beginning of the year.”

Tom’s lips formed and ‘O’ and he nodded. “Okay,” he said.

“After the urinal, put him on the toilet bowl and hold him because he might fall. He actually did, once,” Heidi smiled a bit at the memory as she looked at her very precious son. "And wash him with water."

Bill and Tom gave similar chuckles. “Come on,” Tom smiled, snuggling against Markus as he was brought to the gents. Heidi fervently hoped Tom would be alright with it. Temporarily, she overlooked Tom’s ‘accidental wrondoing’ and looked forward to a successful toilet session between her boyfriend and son.

Bill smiled at Heidi. “Heidi,” he said, taking the chance to tell her things when Tom wasn’t around. “You have to know that it was all a great misunderstanding.”

Heidi sighed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. “And I don’t really want to talk about that.” She bit her lip and rubbed her arms, looking away from Bill apologetically.

The younger Kaulitz twin nodded. “Understood,” he said. “It would be better if Tom told you himself, anyway.”

* * *

Tom hurried an urging Markus through the door to a urinal at the far end of the almost empty toilet, letting him slip down his torso to his propped up thigh. “Uh, grab my shirt if you feel like falling, okay?” He said.

Markus nodded, finding interest in the full-length mirrors tinted a very slight blue behind him. “Okay.”

Tom sighed and smiled to himself. “Okay,” he said as he folded up Markus’ Cars t-shirt. He had never watched the movie, but he figured Markus must have liked it. “Okay, now your pants. And underwear.”

Tom put Markus on the floor and pulled down both in one shot swiftly, coming face to face with Markus’ little reproductive organ. The older blinked a couple of times quite indifferently, though eyes wide, and he quickly turned the child to come face to face with Markus’ little backside.

Momentarily, Tom forgot what to do. “Up,” Markus pointed to the urinal as he waited patiently for Tom to lift him to the urinal. Much to Tom’s surprise, it was like as if it was his first time using a urinal, and that Markus was teaching him what to do. Honestly, he was embarrassed. But all the more nervous.

“Oh, yeah,” Tom mumbled and laughed a bit before pulling his son up, supporting the child with strong hands under the boy’s armpits.

Tom looked over Markus to see if his little penis was aiming correctly. The father grinned in relief, seeing how a little child can urinate so smoothly but it started to aim out of the urinal, almost dripping on his shoes. Bracing himself, he quickly darted for and held Markus’ little organ in with his fingers and positioned it properly at the drainage. Tom grunted softly when he did, but he very quickly got accustomed to it. How soft it felt, and odd, of course. Never had Tom expected to be helping a child to urinate. Ever.

Markus’ hands were hanging midair and flailing slightly when he was done. Tom sighed loudly and smiled and kissed the top of Markus’ head as he put him down. He squatted to his side and pulled up his underwear and pants and sighed one more time before going to wash his hands, Markus trailing behind him.

Markus looked at Tom for a while before noticing Tom was just going to leave it as it is. “Papa, I want to poop,” he grinned. And he watched as Tom’s face contorted slightly into one of chagrin.

“Oops!” Tom smiled and scooped Markus up and pulled his pants and underwear down again. He brought him to a cubicle at sat the child on the bowl, holding onto him. “Hold on,” he said to his son.

Markus started to let go of his droppings, legs shaking a bit and kicking Tom’s own. The father smiled down on his child.

“Done?” He asked after counting that Markus released something into the water four times in about a minute after settling down on the bowl. There was a bit of a smell coming on suddenly, and Tom winced.

Markus nodded and waited for Tom’s next move. Tom didn’t move, and Markus pointed to the toilet roll. “Clean for me, please? Water?” He asked with puppy dog eyes. Heidi usually washed his backside with a water hose, and Tom’s eyes widened.

“...clean?” Tom’s jaw dropped slightly, kind of figuring it to be water and using his hand to rub the feces off the behind. "Water?" And Markus nodded. Shivers ran down his spine but he reached for the friendly water hose beside and took one big gasp of air away from the kid before turning it on. "Here goes," he bit his lip and shut half an eye. He felt a piece of feces and he stuck out his tongue in disgust at the growing weirdness of it all.

Markus gave a glorious giggle as he felt his fathers rough hands swishing about behind aimlessly.