Rest

"Dude, will you calm down? You're making me dizzy!" Billie Joe shot across the room.

Consumed by my thoughts, I hadn't realised that I was frantically patrolling the room in staggered circles. The only thing that was thundering through my mind was Hali and the fact that she was probably in the baited crowd lurking on the opposite side of the door.

Pivoting my eyes towards the door, I tried to scan through the dents and scratches from previous performers to see Hali. It was an impossible task, one that fuelled my nerves until they ensued a rampant rage in my stomach. Just knowing she was on the opposite side of the door was enough. Fastening an image to that fact was serene torment.

"Aw! Mikey's in love!" Tré teased, bounding over to me and pinching my cheeks tightly. "You're so cute when you're in love."

I laughed as I pushed Tré away. "Get off, Ferret Boy." I replied.

Tré grinned widely at my retort. He swung an arm around my shoulder as he turned to face Billie Joe who was busy fixing his guitar to himself. "So, Billie Joe, is she hot?" Tré asked, a cheeky glow imprinted in his eyes.

Billie Joe elevated his eyes to glance at me. Perceiving my amused expression, his hesitation unfolded into a smile. Swerving his eyes back to Tré, Billie Joe nodded. "Yeah," he answered. "She's hot."

"Awesome!" Tré exclaimed, slicing away from my side. "You wanna share?" he asked, gazing up at me eagerly.

"Get lost." I answered, pushing Tré away once again.

Tré pouted. "I'm not sure I like you when you're in love anymore," he declared. "It makes you vicious."

Rolling my eyes, I took a cleansing breath and plucked my bass from the floor. Drooping it over my shoulder, I randomly strummed it, savouring the chord that it sighed. Flicking my gaze towards Billie Joe and Tré, I let a smile linger. "Ready?" I asked.

"Baby, I was born ready." Tré replied as he heaved the door open and stepped out onto the stage.

Usually when I perform, that's it. I morph into someone else, an oblivious vessel. I'm drugged on music, merged into my bass lines. Everything else is a composed haze. There's no feeling I savour more. It's the strongest drug, the most passionate, the one I crave desperately. Even bliss seems like a hand-me-down sensation compared to it. Yet, that night, everything was different.

Walking on stage, I was the epitome of tension. Carved out of stone, I let my nerves storm my body with novacaine. The only alert feature of my statue-ridden body was my eyes. They bulldozed through the audience, scouring for the only person I longed to see. With plunging emotions, my gaze only fumbled over uncharted faces glistening with excitement.

Subconsciously, my gaze breezed over to Billie Joe who bestowed me with a smile confident with reassurance. The flicker in his eyes showed he'd misread my blank expression for panic. Too weak and too late to explain, I smiled back before devoting my attention to my bass.

I chastised myself for believing that she would turn up. I had only talked to her twice. It was a fantastical dream I had persuaded myself would happen, knowing in the shadows of my mind that it wouldn't. Though that harrowing shadow marred her eyes during our first real meeting, I had an intuitive inkling that there was a subliminal innocence nestled inside her. An innocence that would never find amenity amongst the bold and confrontational misfits hoarded at the Gilman.

Billie Joe began his traditional greeting of the crowd with professional confidence. Twisting a glance back at Tré, I tightened my grip around my bass, preparing for that invigorating rush of adrenaline that would blind me and take me to the place I didn't know but recognised in one mesh of ecstatic emotions.

As we started playing, I found myself flooding into that distracted state of consciousness. I was insensible to everything around me, just letting the adrenaline and music drown me, relishing the intensity. The performance merged into one continuous thread of elated intoxication. I didn't even realise we had finished playing until Billie Joe hailed a final thank you and radiated a satisfied smile across at me.

Swooping off stage, I tracked Billie Joe into the back stage area. As soon as the door skidded shut behind Tre, Billie Joe pivoted to face us. "Fuck yeah!" he hollered. "That was awesome!"

"We rock, bitch!" Tre agreed, gathering Billie Joe into his arms and crushing him.

"Hey, calm down, Tré!" I laughed, lugging his arms from around Billie Joe. "We need him, man."

Tré beamed manically at me. "You've got to admit though, dude. That fucking rocked!" he pressed.

"Yeah," I replied, running my hand through my straggly hair. "That was pretty intense."

"So who's up for a celebratory party at mine?" Tré asked the two of us, his eyes alight with mischievous danger.

"Count me out, dude," I answered slowly. "I think I'm just gonna head home. Get some rest."

Tré's face plummeted and he bounded over to me, strewing disappointment through his path as he did. "No fair. How you gonna do that to me?" he quizzed. "You know how much you wanna come round mine and get sloshed."

I offered a shabby smile as I felt Billie Joe's eyes scan over me. "It's not 'cos that girl didn't show, is it?" he asked, seeping through to my suppressed self. One scrutiny of my floor-bound eyes and his question was answered. "Dude, forget about it," he told me as he dropped his guitar in the corner. "She probably got held up somewhere or something."

"What do you care for anyway?" Tré probed. "There's a load of hot chicks out there that are probably begging for a piece of your ass right now!" A sudden epiphany assailed Tré's face, tinting it with a fervent light. "Speaking of which.." he added before scampering for the door.

Billie Joe shook his head in amused disgust as the door shut behindé. He glided onto the sofa encased in the corner of the room and transfixed his eyes on me. Shifting uncomfortably, I propped my bass against the wall before wheeling my eyes back to him. "This is serious, ain't it?" he asked me in a placid tone.

Reviewing Billie Joe's faithful gaze, I sighed. "It's stupid, that's what it is." I vented, letting the words that had been encaged in my mind drip from my lips in fiery gasps. I slithered to the floor and looked up at Billie Joe from my diminished position. Shaking my head, I continued, "I haven't even known her that long, man. So there's no point in me thinking about her all the time. But that's all I can do. I can't focus on anything else. But I don't know her. I don't get it.."

"I don't think you're supposed to." Billie Joe stated levelly. I boosted my eyes to look at him and he met my confusion etched in rampant frustration across my face, Billie Joe settled back. "I think you're meant to just accept it." Leaning back to observe me fully, Billie Joe drew in a deep breath. "Maybe that's why you're so messed up. You're trying to fight it. And you can't. When it happens, it happens. There's no point in fighting destiny. You've just got to learn to live with it."

I sat motionless through Billie Joe's speech, consuming everything he told me with patient obedience. When he finished, I merely nodded knowing that he was right. Maybe by trying to analyse my conflicting emotions, I was guilelessly annihilating them.

Squeezing my lips together, I swung my eyes to meet Billie Joe's disquieted expression. "Maybe you're right." Jamming my back against the wall, I let my eyes swarm the room. "I'm still not going to Tre's party," I insisted. "I'm just not in the mood tonight." Wilting my voice to a whisper, I added, "I wanted her to be here."

Billie Joe sighed sympathetically. "I know you did, man. I wanted her to be as well." Seeing my eyes dart up in aggressive surprise, he included, "For you."

My eyes dripped to the floor in a sliver of shame. "I think I'm gonna head home." I announced, propelling myself from the floor. Highlighting Billie Joe with my gaze, I offered a smothered apology. "I'll see ya around."

"Yeah. See ya, man." Billie Joe answered. "And don't worry about Tré. I'll keep a leash on him tonight."

Feeling a liberating smile rest on my lips, I shook my head. "Actually, I think he'd enjoy that."

Billie Joe laughed. "Yeah, he probably would."

With the smile lounged across my face, I edged out into the main room of the Gilman, flitting through the crowd with my head bowed to the floor. Attempting to remain inconspicuous, I trailed my eyes upward, snaring a shot of Tré with his arms lassoed around a cluster of girls. He was distinctly enjoying the attention streamed onto him.

Arching my eyes back to their sublevel, I nudged through the crowd to the door. I scarcely heard the remote sigh through the room as I restricted my focus to the floor. If it hadn't have harboured that poignant lilt to it, I would have brainwashed myself into thinking that I had fantasised it. Instead, I scrambled my eyes upwards to expose the face I'd been envisioning scrambling through the swarm.

Without a thought cramping me, I blitzed towards her, plucking her from the crux of the crowd. When we found asylum in a muffled corner, Hali smiled up at me. "Thanks." she gasped, breathlessly. She swung her head around to peer back over her shoulder at the jostling hive behind her. Allotting them a complaisant smile, she twisted back to face me. "I didn't think I'd make it out of there alive." she added. She sketched her hands through her hair, suppressing the chaotic curls cupping her face. As she did, I heisted an opportunity to drain my eyes over her.

Hali had curled her hair to pained precision and let it dip liberally over her shoulder. Accompanied with a black t-shirt and a torn black skirt, she looked an awing example of punkfection. Unaware of my gaze flitting over her, she re-aligned her outfit with a tranquil glow caressing her cheeks. When she eventually eased her eyes to rendezvous with mine, she wore an enchanted expression. "That was an amazing show." she announced, staring to the core of my eyes. She flicked her eyes temporarily towards the stage as if she was painting the performance upon its vacant space. "You guys have so much energy."

"Er... thanks." I replied, my eyes falling bashfully to the floor.

"Seriously," Hali insisted, stepping closer. "You guys are awesome. I wouldn't be surprised if you blew up and left here for good."

I stripped my eyes from Hali to falter over the pulsating mob that had gradually become the family I had never had over the past few years. The concept of emigrating from them seemed outlandish. I had buried my roots in the sanctuary they had created from soul-born philosophies and compassion. To jag myself from that recluse now seemed like a futile task when those roots were beginning to unfold deeper into their embrace.

"I doubt it." I murmured to the atmosphere.

A quivering touch brought me back to reality. And Hali who was watching me with emotional intrigue. "You really love it here, don't you?" she pressed.

With a pallid smile, I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I do."

"Wish I had that." Hali divulged in a smothered tone. She seemed to forget I was with her as she skidded into her past. A phantom light shone beneath her face in stutters, freezing her cheeks to ice. Her expression trickled to one of sorrow and, as it reached its crescendo, reality snaked around her with fatal reminders of her location. She fixed a smile onto her trembling lips as she faced me. "Anyway, where were you heading? You seemed pretty eager to get out of here. I thought you'd want to soak up your fame." she teased.

"I was... er... just heading out." I replied, casting my eyes towards the door, which was eyeing me with a pestering embrace.

"Oh." Hali emitted with a wilting expression.

Seeing her moult before me gave me a renewed confidence, an impelling drive to protect her. "Do you wanna come?" I invited. "Get out of this mob scene?"

Hali birthed a delicate laugh as she nodded. "Sure." she answered.

Racing with excitement, I began to lead Hali out of the Gilman cautiously. As I held the door open for her, my eyes zoned to the back of the room. Billie Joe was reclined against the wall, his eyes magnetised on me. Hooking my gaze, he nodded, an action I echoed. Approval and a warning merged into one, he gave me a confident blessing that urged my out of the door to a waiting Hali.

"So where we headed?" Hali questioned, swinging her eyes along the street sprawled in front of us.

"I... er... don't know," I replied, raking at my hair. "I hadn't gotten that far in my plan yet."

Hali grinned, her expression glowing in the advancing night. "How about a guided tour?" she suggested. "I ain't had much chance to explore yet."
Smiling with relief, I nodded. "Good idea." I praised before boosting along the street with Hali pattering to catch up with me. Reaching my side, she threw me an amused smile.

"Lanky." Hali nudged.

At first, we walked in muted comfort, each of us savouring the opportunity to harness our thoughts until they made sense. Gradually, we trickled into conversation, discussing anything that illuminated our minds. It was one of the many things that homed me in on Hali; the fact that I could voice the most absurd and ethereal thoughts, knowing she would capture and understand them in the way only she could. It was that mellow sense of peace that lead us to connect; two shard-ridden jigsaws trying to compose a complete picture.

When we evolved out of conversation, we had reached an eroded playground complete with dismantled swings and dislocated slides. It was a pitiful sight to me, the epitome of the area but, even in the barricaded glow of the moon, I could note Hali's incandescent expression. In a sliver of a second, she morphed from impressionable listener to captivated child. She wound round to face me as soon as her eyes blinked on it and clasped my hand in eager simplicity. "Come on." she urged before letting my hand droop from her touch to explore the scene offered to her and the girl restrained within her.

I leant against the jarred gate, experimenting with its blundering strength with my weight. My eyes stalked Hali as she waged a tornado around the playground, sampling each enchantment as she pulsed across them. She eventually eased upon the swings, rebelliously swooping onto one to stand on the seat. It shuddered in trepidation, too aware of its weakness, which Hali frivolously ignored. Her eyes fluttered shut as she savoured the liberation drafting onto her memory. The moonlight cast an opaque glow over her, basking her in a surrealism that conscripted me from the gate to her, realising the time with dismay.

"Hali," I breathed gently as I approached her, soothing her back to the present. "It's getting late. We'd better go."

Hali's eyes quaked open, gawking at me in enlightened confusion. As reality entranced her with the circumstances, she bore a smile. "Yeah. You're right." she agreed, unravelling her grasp from around the ropes to hold her arms out to me.
Swallowing my instability, I quarried Hali into my arms and set her lightly on the ground, shackling my hands onto her waist until she regained her balance.

Pitching a stumbling smile at me, Hali snaked towards the gate, gazing back at me expectantly as she reached it. I followed in intoxication's path and, as we curved around the corner, Hali swept next to me, capturing my hand as she did. My eyes faltered down to our knotted hands, contrasting her subtle palm embraced against my chiselled one.

As Hali drove me towards her home, we both subconsciously absorbed the atmosphere around us. It was a tranquil haven for dislodged youths. A sense of liberation wound itself around my tormented memories, banishing them to limbo. I was lost to an euphoric nirvana until I felt Hali's grasp temporarily tighten around mine. "We're here." she told me as reality burned before me.

Here was a disconsolate slab of slums strewn across an urban labyrinth. Trashcans lay slain on their sides, spilling their contents across the pavements and shadows hung cadaverously upon the walls. It was an ominous scene that made me fix Hali with a dubious expression.

Discerning my disbelief, Hali laughed with fake hilarity. "Welcome to paradise." she said quietly, making me believe she was introducing herself to the dismal incubus more than me. She eased her hand from mine and stood before me in moon-tinted purity. "Thanks for inviting me tonight," she murmured. "It was great."

"No problem." I replied, a smile splaying across my face.

Hali turned her almond eyes onto me, searching shamelessly for something I couldn't determine. I figured it could be one of many things; a clue, a declaration, trust, honesty. She didn't display any clues through her neutral expression. Just launched a spotlight over every aspect of me as I waited in perturbation.

After an aeon, Hali grazed my cheek with her fingers before withdrawing them to place a sighed kiss there, shocking my heart with lightning. She pulled back and peered through her eyelashes at me, capturing playful demureness perfectly. Releasing her lips from a gnawed clutch, she uttered, "See you around" before leaking into the night as I watched her, helplessly rooted to the memory I've never be able to extricate myself from. Even after these prolonged years.