And That Smile That You Give, To Me

Throughout the whole day, Jon didn’t say anything to me. Not a glance or a whisper in my ear; nothing. It made me second guess what I had done yesterday to make sure I had completed what he asked, but I did. I shared a dressing room and I spanked him three times for god’s sake.
By mid-afternoon I tried to get Jon alone. Maybe I had missed some clue he had given me or something. For some reason I felt an itching urge to complete any task he gave me. Even if more than one of them have resulted in me nearly pissing myself from embarrassment, I still prayed beyond reason that this would work and I would get Brendon in the end.

The show was over and still not a word all day from Jon. I was starting to get pretty pissed; after all, he was the one who came up with this game, it wasn’t my idea. And he should be sticking to it.

“I’m going to bed guys,” Jon announced as soon as we got on the bus, Spencer following not long after and leaving me and Brendon.
“Want to watch a movie?” Brendon asked, smiling that innocent smile of his.
“I’m really tired Bren. I think I’ll go to bed,” I said ruefully. He nodded and patted me on the arm, wishing me goodnight.

Half of me was relieved that he never said anything about the butt-smacking or, er, shower incident. But another, more hormone controlled half was hoping he kept up that notion to cup my ass. I won’t deny it, that little taunting action of his had been plaguing my mind since last night, and I could still feel the burning outline of his hand if I concentrated enough.

I entered the bunks, fully intent on demanding why Jon didn’t give me a task for the day, when an arm popped out of his bunk conspicuously and pointed to mine. I furrowed my brows and slowly walked to my bunk, finding a crisp white envelope on my pillow. I picked it up and opened it quickly, a sense of suspense running through me.

Your task for tonight-
1. Go into the back lounge and watch a movie with Brendon. Lights off. And no sitting on another couch.
2. You are to initiate some type of game where you share your sexual fantasies with each other.
3. Ask him if he’s ever been in love.
It may seem like a lot but the dark and proximity will make the time pass quickly.
-Jon

Oddly enough, the very last task was the one that made me uneasy. You just can’t ask someone a question like that out of the blue, and certainly not after you’ve been exchanging sexual information.
I bent down to Jon’s bunk and ruffled his curtains, about to demand him to change the last part.

“Ryan you have to do all of it so don’t even try and talk me out of it,” Jon grumbled from behind the curtain, the tone of his voice indicating he was close to sleep.
“Yes but the last part-“
“You have to do it.”
“But-“
“Seriously Ryan, just go right now or else you won’t have enough time to do everything.”

I huffed in exasperation, scowling even if he couldn’t see me. Standing up, I detoured into the bathroom quickly, splashing water on my face and fixing my hair, staring at my reflection. The plan is to get in and out quickly, leaving no time for any mess ups on my part.

“Hey Bren,” I said quietly, closing the door behind me. Brendon looked over the back of the couch, giving me a quick smile.
“Changed your mind?” He asked, followed by munching. He must be eating popcorn.
“Yeah. What are you watching?”
“Moulin Rouge.”
“My favorite movie,” I mused out loud, finding the situation slightly ironic.
“That’s why I picked it,” Brendon smiled at me again, shifting back to his original seating position.

His comment made me smile and I shuffled forward, stopping halfway to the couch and backtracking. I took the light dimmer between my forefinger and thumb, slowly pushing down. The lights in the back lounge slowly went down gradually, a shadow casting over the top of Brendon’s head. The room went from friendly and casual to dark and provocative in my mind, the light radiating from the television illuminating certain aspects of the room.

I cleared my throat awkwardly and walked around the side of the couch, hesitating for a moment. What would be a safe distance? Of course I wanted him close, because the whole point of this game with Jon was to express my feelings for Brendon. But I didn’t want to rush into anything, and if I sat too close he may find it uncomfortable and move away, and I know if he did my confidence would go down the toilet and I wouldn’t have the nerve to do anything else. Basically, in my mind, the overall outcome of tonight would depend on where I sat.

Praying I was doing the right thing, I sat down gingerly right next to him, practically on the same cushion. Our knees and elbows brushed as I did so, and when my back finally hit the couch, our shoulders were pushed together.
It was close, but a safe kind of close. I could get away with it if he decided that the proximity was too much, but it was also suggestive enough to where I was still holding my end of the bargain.

“Do you want me to start it over?” Brendon asked, voice lowered so it wouldn’t interrupt the movie’s dialogue.
“No, its fine,” I said back, tilting my head toward him.

He was looking at me at the same time, a glare along the bottom of his glasses from the television and the right side of his face enveloped in shadow. His face was a lot closer than I had anticipated, a mere lean of my neck would have connected our lips.

“Kay,” He grinned, teeth staying hidden behind his thick lips as the ends curled.

Managing to break my adoring gaze, I tried to concentrate on the movie. It wasn’t too far in, up to my favorite part when Satine is first introduced. This movie had always appealed to me, and Jon always joked it was because of the flashes of bright colors and spontaneous singing, and I won’t deny that it was. But I’m also such a sucker for a good love story, though I’d never admit it to any of the guys.

“Wanna play a game?” Might as well get over the awkward part first.
“What kind of game?” Brendon answered somewhat distractedly.
“Like, I don’t know, truth or dare without the dare?”
Brendon chuckled. “That’s hardly truth or dare then. You’re taking all the fun out.”
“I am not,” I replied indignantly, picking my words carefully to put my point across without making it too obvious. “Just, I don’t know, share stuff with each other. We never talk anymore.”
So the last part was a lie, I talk to Brendon more than I talk to Jon or Spencer, and plus, we live on a restricting bus with each other. There’s really no way not to talk.

“Ryan are you sure not a teenage girl?” Brendon teased, eyes flowing over my body in mock-examination.
“Shut up,” I stifled a smile, pushing his shoulder playfully.
“I’m just kidding,” Brendon smiled, like he actually thought I had taken him seriously. He was just too cute sometimes. “I’ll play. Can I go first?”
“Sure,” I smiled encouragingly, tilting my body slightly toward him.

Brendon brought his feet up from the floor and sat on them pretzel-style, and I could tell he was thinking hard by the expression on his face. “So what do I say, just something about myself that I don’t think you know?”
“Or like, what you want or something. Desires. Anything, really.”
“Are you turning this into a sexual game Ross?” Brendon cocked an eyebrow in amusement.
“No?” I said apprehensively, a little afraid of his reaction.
“Well if you’re not than I am,” Brendon laughed and I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew counting on his occasionally perverted mind would pay off someday.

“Okay well, one thing I’ve always wanted to do,” Brendon was suddenly nervous, a slight blush on his face. He paused before blurting it out. “Is be rimmed.”
“L-Like with a tongue?” I breathed, mind reeling.
“Is there any other way?” Brendon looked confused for a moment.
“Depends on who you’re with,” I smirked, using the advantage of being in the dark to hide my blush, and that gave me an odd sense of confidence. Sort of.

Brendon smirked back, eyes twinkling. “Your turn.”
“Oh,” I hadn’t really thought this far into the game. What could I possibly say that wouldn’t make me look like an idiot? Crap. “Um, pass?”
“What! Ryan you started the game you have to participate,” Brendon scolded. “Don’t be nervous, it’s just me.”
That’s exactly the problem, I felt like shouting. It’s you.

“Um,” I said instead lamely, racing through my thoughts for something that didn’t a) involve Brendon or b) wasn’t ridiculous enough that I couldn’t say it out loud. “Well, I’ve always kind of wanted someone to…p-play with m-my…” I gulped, averting my eyes to the ceiling. “M-my nipples.”

A shadow having nothing to do with the dim lighting flashed over Brendon’s face and he leaned closer, mouth tilting to mere inches away from the shell of my ear. A tiny puff of breath hit my skin before he spoke, goose bumps popping up incredibly.
“Believe me,” He whispered darkly, voice reverberating in my eardrum and magnifying itself, lighting every fuse in my body. “It’s beyond amazing.”

He pulled back at the same time I choked back a whimper, eyes wide and unblinking. Brendon winked, a quick flutter of his eyelashes against almost black eyes.

I can’t. That’s enough. No more. I initiated a game where we shared sexual information, Jon never specified how much or how long we had to play.
“O-Okay,” I said weakly, fighting to keep my voice under control. “Back to the movie, shall we?”

Brendon shrugged and gently scooted his legs out from under him, resting back on the sofa.
A considerable amount of the movie had passed, but I didn’t pay too much close attention.

Brendon fidgeted around, pulling his legs back onto the couch and tucking his chin under his knees, sighing and unhooking his chin, looking to be in the struggle for a comfortable spot. Unexpectedly, I felt Brendon wiggle his arm between my back and the couch, curling it around my waist and resting low on my hips. Brendon’s other arm came to settle across my stomach as he let his knees fall to the side and into my lap. He rested his head on my chest, hugging himself closer than I thought possible.

“Comfortable now?” I said quietly, heart racing.
“Very much,” He responded, voice muffled slightly.

The heat from his body melted into me, causing a warm tugging at my heart. I wish I had the power to stop time, to halt us in this position forever, to never have to get up and leave this sanctuary he had just built, to achieve something I had dreamed of having. He made it seem so simple, just casually pressing himself against me like best friends did this all the time. I wish he knew how complex his simple action was to me, how badly he toyed with my heart, even if I know it was completely unintentional. It was like he was dangling himself in front of me, egging me to come and get him, but when I did reach out he was magically further away, though it seemed like he hadn’t moved at all.

Just this, right here, was enough to drive me insane and keep me starving for more at the same time. I couldn’t imagine not seeing myself sitting here with him again. Yes, I could safely say I was above and beyond head-over-heels in love with him, but if he didn’t reciprocate the feelings, if he didn’t want to love me the way I loved him, that would be okay, just as long as he was still my friend. Just as long as we could spend more night like this, never having to lead to anything, just staying at the same level with each other.

But even as I thought this, I knew I was wrong to a certain extent. I would always want more. I would always want his attention, his passion, his love. That’s the reason I was going through with this game, right? To see if he could ever learn to love me that way, to test out the waters before I dove in headfirst.

The movie went by more quickly then I remembered it, but maybe that was because I never wanted it to end. Brendon shifted in my lap, sniffing quietly and re-positioning himself in the slightest. A smile was on my lips before I had even realized, a quiet, affectionate smile that if Brendon had looked up right now, he would have been able to see straight from the expression on my face how I felt.

I picked my lifeless arms up from either side of me and rested them gently across Brendon’s middle, pulling him in because he had started to slip. Brendon turned his neck to smile up at me, corner of his lip disappearing under his teeth as he bit it.

Both of our attention was caught by the dramatic music of the movie, the final part of Moulin Rouge playing. Every time I saw this I always felt for Christian, he was a hopeless romantic in love, finding his life meaningful for once, when it was all pulled out from underneath him cruelly. Maybe I just thought too much into the story.

“It’s so sad,” Brendon pouted.
“I know,” I replied, digging deep inside myself for the courage. “Brendon, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Have you ever been in love?”

Everything was silent except for the movie which showed the concluding minutes, Christian proclaiming his undying love for Satine. I waited patiently.
Brendon unwrapped his arms from me and sat up slowly, eyes affixed on his pants.
“Have you?” I repeated in spite of myself.
“I don’t really want to answer that.”