And That Smile That You Give, To Me

“This is a first. Ryan Ross smiling in the morning,” Jon said sarcastically, spooning a heap of cereal into his mouth.
I smiled even wider and sat down opposite him, grabbing the box of Fruit Loops.
“Should I even ask why you’re so happy?” Jon brought the bowl to his lips and tilted it into his mouth, slurping up the leftover, sweetened milk, eyes peeking over the top.
“Last night was fun,” I shrugged, though no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get that damn smile off my face.

Even if the whole asking-about-love-thing was a tad awkward for a while, Brendon rebounded fast and soon he was cuddling back into me, humming along to the ending credit music of Moulin Rouge. Even after the movie ended, we sat there and talked about nothing in particular for a while, and it was much more than I could ever ask for. I was finally convinced that Jon was right—he could help me in only four days.
But the thing that excited me most was knowing that today was the last day and any second now, I’m going to find out just how I’m going to woo Brendon permanently.

“See, I told you I knew what I was talking about,” Jon smiled kindly, pleased with himself.
“Yeah,” I swirled my hand around in the box and scooped up a good handful of the cereal. “So, what do I have to do today?”
I stuffed the entire handful into my mouth as Jon cleared him throat and leaned forward.

“Kiss him.”

“What? Sorry, I missed that. It sounded like you said I had to kiss him,” I laughed after swallowing. Having been munching on those Loops must have defected my hearing at the moment or something.
“No, that’s right. You have to kiss him.”

I shot to my feet, box of cereal falling to the floor. “You’re fucking kidding me.”
“No, I’m dead serious. What’s the big deal?” Jon had a stupid little smile and I wanted so badly to smack it off his face for good.
“I’m not kissing him,” I hissed lowly, glancing over my shoulder in slight paranoia.
“Why? Because you’re afraid?”
“No! I just…”

Sure, I had dreamt and dreamt about kissing Brendon, but Jon was crazy. I just can’t instigate a kiss out of nowhere, it’d be insane.
“You’re scared,” Jon stated obviously. “Fine, if you don’t want to, I can walk up to him right now and tell him how you feel. Those were the rules, if you remember.”
“No, please don’t,” I said desperately.
“Then you have to kiss him.”

Jon left the room, closing the door to the bunks behind him. I sank back down in my seat and bit my lip. I’m not a straightforward person, and I’m defiantly not the type to do something on impulse. I’m the kind to sit and contemplate over every decision thoroughly until I decide whether or not it should be done. It was much more rational that way, and therefore I don’t do stupid things and regret them later.

But this…I just can’t do it. Jon’s mentally deranged. There is no way I’m going to walk up to the love of my life and simply kiss him. God, just thinking about it makes me nauseous.
The door burst open and I jumped to me feet skittishly, nearly shrieking when I saw it was Brendon who had just walked in, scratching the side of his face as he yawned lazily.
“You okay?” He said, chuckling at my horrified expression.
I tried to reply with a warm ‘Yeah’, but all that left my mouth was a weird, mangled, girlish giggle and I froze, not believing I had just made that noise.

Brendon quirked an eyebrow and laughed, plopping onto the couch and sighing.
Better to get it over with, I decided. Just bend down and kiss him, you’ll be off the hook with Jon and maybe, just maybe, Brendon would kiss back.

It felt ludicrous to even think he would consider kissing me back. Brendon doesn’t have feelings for me, wouldn’t I have noticed by now? He’s the most blatant, to the point guy I know, surely he wouldn’t keep anything hidden from me. I could be ruining years worth of friendship just to gratify Jon fucking Walker. It wasn’t worth it.

And just when I had thought I made up my mind on what I would do, that constant, nagging reminder presented itself to the front of my brain. Jon would tell him. And even if I don’t kiss him, he’d know anyway because Jon was a man of his word. Plus I don’t think he’d let me get away with not completing his little game. He can be very weirdly competitive at times.

Plagued by my torn emotions, I shyly walked over and sat next to Brendon, making an extra effort to sit out of bodily contact with him. He just looked sideways and smiled lazily, and I expect he must still be half asleep.
“Tired?” I asked, my voice quite feeble.
“Mm,” He hummed, eyes sliding shut.

I took the chance to truly look at him when his eyes were closed, I always did. The movement of his eyeballs could be seen through the lid, a cyclic, rapid motion. He always breathed through his nose in quick bursts of air except when he was deeply asleep, then his mouth lagged open like a dog. But now, his lips were sitting in an almost too perfect pout, glistened with just the barest hint of saliva.

With a jolt I noticed I had been subconsciously inching my head forward and I snapped it back then, horrified at my own actions. But then again, this could be the perfect opportunity. I could get it over with and be gone before he even opened his eyes.

I shifted closer as quietly as I could. His sudden proximity brought the repercussions for this to the forefront of my mind and that’s when I really started to freak out.
I placed a quivering hand on the cushion right next to his thigh.
A cold sweat washed over my body as I shifted for the last time, hip brushing against his.
I started leaning my neck forward and at an angle, eyes only seeing the sole figure of his lips, extreme nausea making acid bubble into my throat.
I swallowed a few times and tried to calm my dizzying head. My lips plumped and puckered themselves in anticipation, eyes ever so slowly coming to a close.
He was insanely close now, my body hovering precariously over his, lips barely an inch away. At the last moment I screwed my eyes shut and-

“Ryan!”

I jumped violently and let out a scream, my shaking arms giving out underneath me and letting me fall onto his lap. Brendon strated down at me with eyes so wide I thought they would burst, mouth dangling open in horror and surprise.

“F-Fuck,” I breathed, fighting against the sudden tears that had sprung up. I shot off of him like a bullet, sprinting into the bunks and slamming the door behind me.
“Well?” Jon was right in front of me suddenly, eyebrow arched.
“I-I can’t…” I couldn’t get the words out through barely repressed sobs. No, no no no. Why the fuck did I do that? Oh my god, I want to die.
“What do you mean you can’t?” Jon said nastily.
“I mean I just went in to kiss him and he looked at me like I was crazy! I can’t do it, Jon. Game over, I quit.”

“You can’t quit, or else I tell him.”
“Go ahead!” I bellowed, fingers pulling at the ends of my hair. “Go and fucking tell him! It doesn’t matter anyway because I think he has a pretty good idea after what happened!”
“No, Ryan, get the fuck back in there and kiss him!” Jon was screaming equally at me, gesturing violently at the door.
“No! Why do I have to listen to you? You think this is just some fun little game you can control but let me tell you something. It’s not. It’s fucking not. These are my feelings on the line!”
“Ryan,” Jon spat. “You’re a fucking girl.”
“Where the fuck did that even come from!” By now I was full-blown screaming at him, my face red and contorted with an emotional overload.

“You can’t just kiss someone without having to contemplate every single little aspect of it. It’s just a kiss Ryan. How do you expect Brendon to fall in love with someone who can’t even pluck up enough courage to kiss him?”
I seethed in silence, so infuriated and offended that I couldn’t even put my frustrations into words. Jon calmed down in my silence, dropping his arm to his side and settling for a cold stare as he continued.
“You’re just a pussy. You can’t stand up for yourself and never will. You’ll never get Brendon that way.”

Something snapped in my head after he said that. I completely lost it, mind curling up inside itself and shutting off all voluntary thinking processes. I pivoted and wrenched open the door, barging back into the lounge.

Brendon had been pacing back and forth but he stopped when he saw me, eyes instantly spreading wide as his body froze.
“Ryan…” He hesitated.
I marched forward indignantly, Brendon stumbling backwards a few steps in shock. Once in reaching distance, I clamped onto his face with both hands, practically crushing his cheeks with my intensity. Without a second thought or preamble of any kind, I surged forward.

Our lips met aggressively and off-center, too much force and not enough sensitivity.

I broke the kiss fiercely, a smacking sound created at the loss of contact. Brendon stood, head still clutched in my hands, eyes closed and mouth still puckered.
I felt my heart tear as I let go and marched away, shaking so badly I could hardly move my legs.
“There,” I barked at Jon when I passed him. His eyes were wide, but he looked satisfied, smug even.
I glared at him and retreated to my bunk, closing the curtain and ramming my thin body into the corner, pulling my knees to my chest and laying my head atop them.

-x-

The hyperventilation set in within seconds. I started shaking and couldn’t draw a breath, gasping pathetically as Brendon’s face filled my mind. But it wasn’t the handsome, smiling face I usually daydreamed about. No, it was the look of pure horror after I had tried to kiss him, and his totally unresponsive silence after I actually did kiss him.

Oh my god, I fucking kissed him. And I couldn’t even make it a good first kiss. I had to go in there and practically throw myself on him, and yet I couldn’t even slow down enough to kiss him properly, just a rough peck.
I ruined it. I ruined everything I had hoped for in one second, one tiny second in overreaction to Jon’s words. I clenched my fists, furious at even thinking his name. What was he getting out of this? Why did he seem so intent on making me make a fool of myself? I had never, ever so much as raised my voice at Jon, and yet there we were, screaming at each other.

At this point, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what had happened. It was all so fast and ridiculous.
I felt like crying out of pure frustration with myself. I’ll never be able to weasel my way out of this one, Brendon is going to want to know what that was about and if I know him, he won’t stop until he’s sure he knows the truth.

Someone cleared their throat right outside my bunk, ruffling around my curtain and asking for entry. I stretched out into a lying position and turned my back on them, staring intently at the wall.
“Go away,” I said gruffly, though my voice was weak and hurt.
“Please, can I come in?”

My heart faltered when I heard it was Brendon’s voice. Cautiously, I turned over onto my side enough so that I could pull back the curtain a little bit, shifting onto my back.
Brendon bent down and before I knew it he was trying to squeeze in next to me, legs banging awkwardly together. It was an absurdly tight fit, both of us shoulder to shoulder in the tiny bunk as Brendon sealed the curtain behind us and we lay in silence.

“W-What’s, um, what’s up?” I stammered, blushing.
Brendon looked at me, really looked at me as if he was trying to stare into my soul. But those deep chocolate eyes only made me blush ever more. “Why are you nervous?” He asked so quietly.
“I-I’m not nervous,” I whispered and it was clearly obvious I was lying.

Brendon half-nodded, his arm wiggling itself under my back and he pulled himself closer and half on top of me, head resting on my shoulder, never breaking eye contact. “Then why is your heart beating so fast?”
“It’s not,” I whispered futilely, both of us could blatantly hear the overwhelmingly loud battering of my heart against my rib cage as if it was ready to burst out at any second.

“About before,” Brendon started and I closed my eyes slowly, mentally preparing myself for the criticism and rejection, though it was extremely hard to do with him so close. “That was the worse kiss I’ve ever had.”
“What?” I replied, eyes shooting open in mixed shock and indignity.
Brendon chuckled deeply. “It was the worst kiss I’ve ever received, but it was the best kiss of my life for another reason.”
I couldn’t respond.
“Because,” Brendon continued, head leaving my shoulder to drift closer. “It lets me do this.”

Brendon took his hand that wasn’t trapped beneath me and very gently took my chin, thumb running a smooth line across my jaw. He propped himself on his elbow and now his face was so close I could nearly taste his breath. Our noses brushed together and I watched Brendon’s eyes close and I followed suit.

Brendon ghosted his lips over mine, barely touching before lightly pushing forward. He took the hand on my chin and moved it to sit at the nape of my neck, catching a few stray hairs in between his fingers. He put a little more pressure into the kiss and I retaliated for the first time, head swimming.

Brendon pulled away but I kept my eyes closed, savoring the taste of his lips still etched onto my own. When I did open my eyes, the only thing I saw was that brown, the color of chocolate, my favorite color, the color I loved.

--------------------

Spencer groaned and shuffled into the lounge, cursing under his breath. Jon was sitting on the couch, his infamous shit-eating smile taking up his face and making Spencer want to punch him out.
“I win,” Jon declared gloriously.
“Fuck you,” Spencer snarled, leaning against the kitchenette counter and crossing his arms stubbornly.

“I win, pay up,” Jon hopped off the couch, bouncing over to Spencer.
“No, that’s not fair, you must have cheated somehow…”
“Spence! I did not cheat. Don’t you trust me?” Oh, Jon was very good at making people believe him. He liked to think of it as his best quality.
“You had to of…”

“Spence,” Jon rolled his eyes, digging in his jeans pocket for that folded piece of paper him and Spencer had sat down to make last week. “You remember the rules?” Jon asked, cocking an eyebrow and unfolding the paper with flourish, earning a mumbled protest from his friend.

“Last week, exactly eight days from today,” Jon read off the paper. “We made a bet on when Ryan and Brendon would finally admit their feelings for one another. You bet on four months, and I had a week. We weren’t supposed to act differently around them or notify them of our bet. We especially weren’t supposed to help them to admit it to each other under any circumstances.”

Spencer groaned again as Jon folded the paper professionally. Spencer knew Jon was right, he had won fair and square. Ryan and Brendon were in there kissing and Jon had won.
“I believe you owe me something,” Jon said smugly, referring to the prize of the winner.

Spencer very nearly banged his head against the wall. He was so sure that Ryan would be too shy and Brendon too unsure that nothing would happen for months. He muttered a ‘Fuck you’ under his breath and rummaged around in the drawer he was standing in front of, finally pulling out his checkbook.

Jon watched over his shoulder as Spencer wrote out a check for two hundred dollars cash. Spencer paused just as he was about to rip the check out, feeling like the money was literally taking a physical effect on him.
After an irritating nudge from Jon, Spencer ripped the check free and stomped out of the room.

Jon smiled to himself, pocketing the check. “Sucka.”