Ochlophobia

We wandered around outside, me constantly shooting glances at this interesting boy. The park was out of the question for me, but Brendon didn’t seem to understand. With it being a wonderfully sunny Sunday afternoon, it would be packed, and I wished it wouldn’t be. If there were more than four people there, I would have a panic attack. You’d think I was used to them by now, but no. They still terrify me like they did the first time I had one. I was, however, startled when I saw a face I knew. That didn’t happen often, but it was someone from the clinic. Caleb to be precise. He glared at me as Brendon whined, and I blinked, clueless. What was that about? Shaking it off, I carried on walking alongside Brendon, every so often reminding the boy that, no, I couldn’t go to the mall, yes, the shops are too crowded and no, I don’t fear small spaces. Just too many people in a smallish space. I couldn’t share a coffin, not even a double coffin. Alone I’d feel a little claustrophobic, but with another person there I would suffer a panic attack. It’s people that I’m scared of, more than anything.

“Brendon, I can’t go in there.” I told him as we closed in on the park. My breath was starting to catch as I surveyed the groups of people.

“Yes, you can.”

His voice was impatient and I knew for sure that he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He tugged on my wrist, and I dug my heels in. Glaring at me, he turned around, before letting out a sigh.

“Right then, before we go in, I want to know, how do you know Caleb?”

I blinked at Brendon before answering. “He goes the clinic with me. He’s got melophobia. Hang on, how do you know him?”

Brendon let out a long breath. “He… he’s an ex boyfriend of mine.”

I was nearly dancing on the spot at that comment. Brendon was gay! Wait, he went out with Caleb?

“Did… did he not have melophobia back then? Most people can’t deal with the really irrational phobias.” I was confused and the furrowing of my brows may have told him as much.

“It was a long time ago. He… I split up with him using a song. After that he really hated me. What is melophobia by the way?”

“Fear of music. So that’s why he’s scared of it.”

Brendon shook his head. I could see the sorrow in his eyes. “Flattering, but no. He was at a club not long after our break-up. A bomb went off when the music hit a certain decibel limit. No one knew. But… I didn’t think he’d gained a phobia from that…”

I processed this information, still confused. “How do you know that?”

Brendon gave me a wry smile. “I read newspapers, Ryan, it was in there for weeks. I went to see him when I heard. He was partially deaf at that time- his eardrums had been perforated in the blast. We parted on relatively good terms after that. I mean, not blowing up at each other at any rate. No pun intended.”

I giggled slightly at the idea, though maybe a little morbid, and smiled lightly at Brendon.

“Shall head back home then?” I suggested, hoping that Brendon forgot that he wanted to go the park.

“No! I want to go on the swings!”

He was such an annoying child sometimes.

“Brendon, I really can’t. I’m staying here.” I huffed, sticking my bottom lip out.

“But Ry…” Brendon was whinging, opening his deep brown eyes wide and pouting. I was tempted to let him have his way. But my fear stoically refused to allow me to. It was terrible. All I wanted to do was push Brendon on those swings, but I knew a panic attack would happen, and I would only embarrass both myself and him.

“Nuh uh. Not happening. No way, no how, no… Brendon!” As I’d been refusing, Brendon had captured my wrist and dragged me through the gate of the park. Suddenly I was surrounded by people, and I couldn’t breathe properly. With every dragging breath I managed to take, my chest closed and tightened, in the icy grip of panic and fear.

“Brendon… help?”

I was terrified. Terrified I’d be lost, Brendon would walk away without me, I wouldn’t be able to find my way out… My fear had become irrational over the years. I knew I was standing in front of the gate, but the amount of people in the park overwhelmed me and took me back to being three.

“Brendon!” I sobbed, as my vision started to go black from lack of air. I faintly realised that he caught me as my vision went black.