Ochlophobia

It was about a week after meeting Brendon, and my panic attack in front of him. Actually, my two panic attacks. Only one was serious though, so I only counted that one.

“Bear, are you coming over tonight?”

My phone was pressed to my ear as I surveyed the takeout menu that had come into my possession. I scanned it, looking at the prices and calculating about how much it would be. I now called Brendon ‘Bear’- it suited him a little. He was a brown bear, with huge, bear-like eyes. All cuddly.

“Yeah, I am. Though… I have a friend who I think you’ll like. His name’s Spencer and he-”

“Wait, stop there. Spencer Smith, right? I know him! I was best friends with him, and then my ochlophobia got really bad.” I laughed down the phone to Brendon, a smile on my face. “Hang on; are you saying you want to bring him over?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Anyway, your parents are away for the weekend, right?”

I nodded, and bit my lip, before realising that Brendon couldn’t see me.

“Don’t bother answering, Ry. I know you’re biting your lip and nodding.”

I let go of my lip and smiled before making a sound of agreement. It was almost scary how well Brendon knew me already.

“But Bear, I haven’t seen him in ages! What will he think of me and what I did to him- you know, just abandon him one day because I was too scared to leave my room?”

Brendon sighed and I knew he had no answers for me. Nobody would have many answers for me, but Spencer himself. I wasn’t going to force that matter either, as I used to adore having Spencer as my closest friend and confidant. I missed him, to say the very least. I knew when I was defeated.

“Fine, Brenny-Bear, bring him over, and I’m going to apologise profusely to him.”

Brendon made an excited, high-pitched noise before he began to ramble on about how much fun we were going to have with our movie marathon and a Chinese. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of Spencer- I knew he was going to the same school as Brendon, and would probably be seeing him more often than I would. It also kind of hurt- how much attention Brendon was focusing on Spencer right now. I had no right to feel like this, because Spencer was not Brendon’s, and Brendon was not Spencer. I was not Brendon’s, and Brendon was not mine. That still didn’t explain the nagging jealousy.

“Bear, as much as I love hearing your voice, I’ve got to go. I have an appointment to go to. I’ll see you later! Bye!”

With that, I hung up the phone, allowing gentle, soothing tears to dribble onto my cheek, and my burning eyes to close. Sobs racked my almost malnourished frame, and I tried desperately to cling onto a sense of control. Finally, it was more than I could handle- I let myself cry, finding my way into my room. I fell onto the cushions on the bed, pushing my head into a pillow. It was more than letting out my hurt, jealousy and desperation- it was letting out every emotion that I’d needed to for a long time. Finally, I relaxed against the poster-covered wall, and let out a seemingly never-ending sigh of relief. I felt much better, though I knew that my appearance would make that statement rather dubious.

Wiping away stray tears, I walked into the bathroom, splashing cold water onto my blotchy red face, and using a makeup remover wipe on the running eyeliner. Unwillingly, I stared at the monstrous reflection of myself, sighing deeply, before turning the small lighting fixture above the basin on to redo my eyeliner, constantly relining my eyes for a few minutes, until I was satisfied by the deep black colour that surrounded them. Though I did nearly poke my eye out when the doorbell rang, I jumped that much. I wasn’t expecting it, but satisfied that I was no longer blotchy, I made my way to the door, where I knew who to be expecting behind it- I hadn’t realised quite how long it’d been since Brendon first rang me- and my suspicions were confirmed when a bundle of caffeinated energy and brown haired, beautiful eyed perfection leapt on me, knocking me to the floor.

“Get off Bren-bear!”

His endearing little giggles made my mouth quirk into a large smirk, before I cast my eyes upon the person above us.

“Hey Spencer…”

Spencer, with his pretty blue eyes, watched us in shock. I mean, how could I not find those eyes pretty? They conveyed every emotion, (at the moment, they sparkled with unuttered laughter) and it was the first thing I said to him when I met him- he’d moved in down the road and I was only four- and even now he still hadn’t learnt that if he just lined those eyes slightly, no girl would notice a slightly-less-than-perfect body which he had been given; his puppy fat had lingered even now, and his body didn’t measure up to a jock’s… not that I’d checked that sort of thing. Oh yes, I knew about jocks, despite my mostly self-inflicted ignorance that stemmed from my phobia. I don’t have a computer in my room for no specific reason, you see.

“I missed you, man!”

Oh great. Now Spencer had gone all soppy on me.