Ochlophobia

The first movie in the marathon was on now, and I couldn’t help but glance over at Brendon, who seemed enraptured by the movie, a serious look on his face, but biting his lip occasionally, before breaking into giggles. I must confess; I didn’t pay much attention to the movie. Or, for that matter, the fact that usually I’d feel crowded between the pair that sat beside me, Brendon on one side, Spencer on the other. We’d pulled blankets from the beds, and were now curled up, like a bundle of kittens. Spencer shocked me at first by planting a light kiss on my cheek and telling me I was more gorgeous than ever, leaving me slightly flabbergasted, before he had bounced into the kitchen to place the bag of snacks on the counter, yelling that he was gay through the house.

The fact that it was all of us… Well, I couldn’t help but wonder if my presence caused some weird ‘guy attraction’ hormone to switch on in their heads. Then I giggled, thinking about it. It was the most ridiculous idea. I wasn’t often so carefree, something I found myself noting- maybe Brendon had brought this side of me out? I was usually so withdrawn, so introverted and thoughtful that no one noticed me, they looked straight through me. Even those at the clinic had found themselves looking at the wall behind my head, zoning out as they’d spoken to me. I was easy not to notice. Boring hair, boring eyes, boring personality… the list of ‘boring’s went on. But Brendon… Brendon had the uncanny ability of being able to see something that I wanted, when I wanted, yet simultaneously being able to ignore my fear. It was insane, yet somehow, Spencer, who had only been in the house for less than an hour, already had turned to Brendon and told him ‘no’ to walking to the rental store. I’d jumped for joy inside- Spencer had pulled me aside and asked if he’d made the right decision. I had nodded overly-enthusiastically.

The microwave pinged loudly and we all jumped, though Brendon was the first up and into the kitchen, carrying back a large bowl of microwave popcorn, though I eyed it suspiciously- on more than one occasion had I found myself eating salted popcorn; something I categorically disliked.

“Don’t worry Ry, it’s buttered, un-salted, and no sugar either. Even though I wanted some.”

Brendon pouted sweetly, before throwing a piece of popcorn into his mouth, and I smiled with a vague hint of adoration. I turned back to the movie, catching Spencer out the corner of my eye. He was making an ‘aww’ face, which made me pout at him, and throw a hand out to carelessly backhand his arm- lightly.

“Ow!” Spencer squealed loudly down my ear, poking a tongue out at me. I rubbed my ear and responded in an equally mature manner- my tongue went out as well, as far as I could get it to go. Feeling hot breaths at my neck that made me shiver; I quickly shifted back around, not pulling my tongue in, eyes still connected to Spencer’s. So when I found myself licking Brendon Urie’s lips as he tried to join in with our mature conversation, my eyes widened incredibly, matching Brendon’s in size; Spencer’s crinkled as he smirked and shook with mirth, still making an ‘aw’ face, watching us stare at each other like idiots. I finally decided to move, trying very hard not to just lean forwards and attack Brendon’s lips- the proximity scared me slightly, but I knew I needed to try not to give into my instincts. My fight or flight instincts kicked in slightly, sending an adrenaline rush through my body to give me strength to run… or to kiss the damn boy. Indecision weighed on my mind, but before I could do anything, Brendon had pulled himself back to his seat and I blinked a little, left winded from the sudden proximity. Brendon made some excuse about needing the toilet, and bounded out the room, flushed and looking a little bewildered.

“Ryan, am I right in believing there’s more than a little attraction to mister Urie there?” Spencer was whispering softly in my ear, a light breath that made me frown- it felt somewhat unpleasant, unlike how Brendon’s breath felt on my neck.

“You’re wrong.” It was a harsh whisper dragged from my lips as I sat back, sulking slightly, bottom lip jutted out a little into an unintended, somewhat sultry, position. I only noticed when Spencer went a little red and looked away, suddenly ferociously concentrating on the film, despite his lack of interest beforehand. I immediately felt vaguely guilty. So maybe it wasn’t my fault that he found that attractive, but I felt bad for putting him in that sort of position- namely being a very uncomfortable one. Spencer chanced a glance back at me as I bit my lip, trying to worry away the emotions that had suddenly surged in me, and he groaned.

“That’s worse, Ryan! Put a better movie on now or stop moving!” Spencer’s tone was lower, more gravely than before, and I nodded sharply, trying very hard not to sway my hips or do anything to arouse the poor guy any more. I quickly flicked through the films I owned, before deciding on a classic. Moulin Rouge. Pushing the film into the player, I smiled slightly as the pictures flickered back into life on the screen. I was quick to press the button for the menu, and was smiling lightly as Spencer rolled his eyes. Though I highly doubted Spence would be able to resist singing along too. Sure enough, as soon as the first song started, Brendon, looking considerably more confident, lurched into the room and started singing loudly, though most certainly not terribly. His sweet voice filtered through the air, and I tried hard not to squirm when it hit a high note. It was a gut reaction to that note, which I’d always had, but this time I found myself entranced. I thanked the heavens that I wasn’t looking at the TV, I knew what I’d see if I was facing it. Crowds of people, though dancing- absolute crowds of them. Terrifyingly close together, all looking terrifyingly real on the screen. I shuddered, picturing them, until the feeling of panicking became near overwhelming. I tried concentrating on Brendon’s voice, but to no avail. I was forced to stutter out an apology to Spencer and Brendon, before galloping up the stairs to find the medication which calmed me. I’d never really thought about it before, but I fumbled in the cupboard now, trying desperately to find the one marked ‘Phenelzine’, with the user friendly label of ‘Nardil’ pasted on there as well. I followed through with the action plan that had been constructed in the past week for my phobia.

1. Identify trigger of panic attack.

Well, that would be quite easy. But as I thought, three moments came to mind. Brendon, in my space, my personal bubble, invading it and crowding me in. Spencer, his breath sharp on my neck. The movie, the hoards of people dancing and having fun.

2. Remove the trigger.

That would be slightly harder seeing as there were three combined, and two of them were my friends. I could do something about the movie, quite easily. Stick on another film, one without crowds. So, the thing that came to mind was Shrek. A wondrous movie if I ever did see one, one which would entertain Brendon for ages with it’s childishness and keep me happy with the lack of crowds.

3. Try not to succumb to another panic attack anytime soon.

Of course, that was something I’d fought against, hard and strong, until I found myself breathing heavily. It was almost like I was being overwhelmed at the time, and I thought I’d held it together very well.

I waited for my breathing to normalise for another few minutes, before taking a last deep breath and walked out the bathroom. A very concerned-looking Brendon was sat against the wall, head thrown back, and I couldn’t help but admire the curve of his pale throat. He didn’t notice me as I walked out- I had been silent and stealthy.

“You okay?” So my voice wasn’t the smoothest after a panic attack- the question had come out all crinkly and rough.

His beautiful dark brown eyes flew open, and looked vaguely scared as they settled on me, before reverting to a look of relief. I found my eyes sliding away from his beautiful hues though, sliding down to land on his slightly parted pink lips, and I dimly noticed that Brendon was starting to flush with colour. I pulled myself away from my daze as his lips began to move, stuttering out illegible sentences. I noticed that I too was highly likely to be flushed, as my cheeks were heated and I felt the embarrassment course through me.

And then came Spencer, charging up the stairs, saving us both from dire humiliation. My saviour. I let out a vague exclamation as I turned around, nearly falling onto Brendon, who still sat behind me. He giggled at my clumsiness, before making a grab at my hand and pulling me down- I suppose I was meant to land beside him, but instead I managed to fall onto his legs. We both went brilliantly red, before I scrambled off his legs, trying to preserve our dignities, though he made a quick grab for me, holding me tight around my waist, until I stopped struggling away and just leant back onto him. That didn’t take very long, and I just let the warmth permeate through me- my chilled bones were warming up quickly.

“You look comfy.” Spencer grinned at me, and I wriggled a little until a low groan, that I could only just hear, reached my ears. I stopped still quickly and tried not to move too much, because Brendon sounded a little uncomfortable… Maybe I was too heavy, maybe he didn’t want me sat there…

I tried to shift off him, but he grabbed me, holding me where I was.

“Stay.” His voice was low and smooth, and I followed his command because I couldn’t help but do so.

“But… the films…” I protested weakly.

“Can wait.”

I looked up to see Spencer nodding away.

“You know, I really have to go now. My Mum will be waiting for me.” He sounded like he was worried, but then I caught the glint in his eye.

“Spencer!” I screamed after him as he high-tailed it out the door and into the street. Giving up, I leant back and let out a deep sigh. I couldn’t believe that boy…