Take Me. I'm Never Gonna Let You Fall.

I woke up suddenly, looking around my room. The sky outside was still dark as I lay there, catching my breath. The nightmares…how I wished they would just disappear sometimes. Or have my brain at least not remember them. Sometimes they were worse than living. Sometimes I wondered if they were real, if I was reliving them. My hand clutched my chest, just above my heart as my eyes fluttered closed. I could still feel his arms around me.

I threw the blanket off my legs and stood, making my way quietly to the kitchen. I was surprised to see that the light was on, and it made my brows furrow together. I entered and saw Jack sitting there, his head in his hands. A cup of coffee rested in front of him. No steam rose from it, so I assumed it was cold, and it made me wonder how long he had been sitting there, lost in his own thoughts.

“Hey Jack,” I murmured, leaning against the entryway.

He pulled his eyes up from the table to look at me. They were bloodshot, and red around the rims. I could tell that he had been crying as well. Jack managed a small smile though, and beckoned me over. I crawled into his lap and he wrapped his lean arms around me. His fingers made small circles on my back as he laid his head upon mine. We sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before I sat up slightly, looking at him.

“Are you okay, Jack? You always worry about me. How are you doing?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

Jack shook his head. “I’ve been better. You know…tomorrow will be the ten year anniversary? The nightmares always get worse this time of year. I can’t help but wonder if there was something I could’ve done to protect him. Does it always feel like this? This…despair?”

My pain was much more recent than his, but it seemed that sometimes Jack was able to forget it all, unlike myself. I nodded, averting my eyes. To me, the despair was always, clinging beneath the surface. Some days, I was able to smile, and put on a façade. But I could always feel it just below, aching for me to let loose and break down. I had thought that after enough tears, my ducts would dry up. But even now, the tears kept coming. I tugged Jack closer to me, and held him as his shoulder shook.

--

The next morning came all too fast for me. I had spent the better part of an hour in the kitchen with Jack, just holding him. I knew today was going to be difficult for him, and I wasn’t surprised to see that he wasn’t downstairs for breakfast. It still made me a little nervous, so I went back upstairs to check on him, only to find him sleeping fitfully in the guest room. I brushed his dark hair from his head before leaving. I was making coffee and French toast when everyone else appeared, Daniella carrying her laptop and voice recorder.

We all ate, and then Rian did the dishes. I kicked back in my chair, placing my feet up on the table as the writer set up. My fingers were wrapped tightly around my coffee cup as I stared off into space. Zack was just around the corner, watching TV, though the sound was so low that I doubted he could hear it, and thought vaguely that it was merely for appearances, and that truly, he wanted to listen in to the story that I was going to be telling.

Finally, Daniella was ready, and I began.

I remember looking back at the city sign, and letting out a whoop of triumph. I was in the front van with Alex, Rian, and Zack. Jack and Henry were behind us with the gear. I had a map sprawled out across my lap, my feet kicked up on the dashboard. Our first stop was in Virginia Beach, Virginia, so it was only about a four hour drive. We jammed loudly to the radio the entire way. The windows were rolled down, letting in the East Coast summer heat. My blonde hair had really grown over the year, and it now rested to the middle of my back, but at the time, it was flying in all different directions. I remember not being able to keep the smile off my face.

We arrived in record time, thanks to Alex’s lead foot. We got set up in some distant relative of Rian’s house. For the most part of the journey, we got lucky enough to know people in the cities, and didn’t have to get a hotel, which was good. Most of our money could go to other things, like food or souvenirs. That night, the guys were playing at a pretty big venue. It wasn’t huge, but it was definitely something different than what they were used to.

I sat up the merch booth, and then sat myself on the edge of the table to watch them. Even after the many times I had seen them perform that year, it was still breathtaking to me. They had such an aura that it was…it was just something altogether different. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Alex’s voice was angelic, and he knew how to get the crowd going. Henry joined me halfway through their set, a giddy smile on his face. I had never seen him as happy as he was in that moment.

“T-They’re great,” he said, bobbing his head in time with the beat.

“I know,” I whispered, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

After the show, we all decided to go to the beach, despite the fact that it was horribly late. We made a bonfire and roasted some marshmallows. That was the first time Alex really kissed me. He had pulled me away from the group, and we had laughed as we ran across the sand, the water lapping at our feet. When we were far enough, Alex tackled me to the ground and leaned over me. Once we stopped laughing, he brushed my hair from my face.

It sounds so cliché. And perhaps it was, but to me, it was perfect. The first kiss is always important. And I always count this as our first kiss, even though he had surprised kissed me outside of Rian’s house. I want to say there were fireworks. But I don’t believe that actually happens. Instead, I felt drunk again. My vision was blurry, my stomach did flips. Once more, I was drunk on Alex.

“I’m glad you’re here, Hols,” he said, running his thumb across my jaw.

I said nothing, just reached up and pulled him to me once more.