Skin

Today is my first day of treatment, it has officially been one week since I was diagnosed with cancer. Exactly one week since my entire way of life was altered and flipped upside down. For the most part I have been very weak and sick. I get dizzy spells frequently but there isn’t much I can do about it.

I get out of my bed and make my way shakily over to the bathroom where I start the shower before stripping off my clothes and getting in. The hot water cascades over my shoulders and down my back. I close my eyes, going back to my dream land where it is only Matt and I. Nobody else. There was nothing to be worried about and nothing to be scared about. I sigh before finishing my shower and getting out, wrapping a big fluffy blue towel around my small frame, my thick hair dripping down my shoulders and onto the towel. I pick up my dirty clothes before walking out of the bathroom just to see Matt leaning against the opposite wall. He pushes himself away and walks towards me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my forehead.

“Morning baby,” he says, smiling at me.

“Morning,” I reply. He lets go of me and follows behind me into my room. He sits down on my unmade bed as I walk over to my dresser and pull out a pair of red boy shorts and a matching red bra, I put them on before laying my towel over my hamper and walking to my closet. “You’re here early this morning.”

“Yeah, I remember you saying that you had to stay overnight at the hospital tonight, I didn’t want you to have to stay there alone, so I’ve convinced both of our parents and I’m staying at the hospital with you tonight,” Matt says, smirking as I jump around trying to get my foot out of my pant leg. “Want some help?”

“No, I’ll get it. And thank you baby,” I say smiling at him before returning to my jumping causing him to laugh and shake his head. I finally get my foot through and pull my pants all the way up so that they are resting on my hips. I turn back to my closet and pick out one of Matt’s Iron Maiden shirts that I snatched from him and pulled it over my head. I pull my hair up into a pony tail before going over and laying next to him. Gently running my fingers along his jaw line.

“I love you,” he whispers, smiling slightly. I smile back before pressing my lips to his, he pulls me closer to his body, his large hands rubbing under my shirt along my back. After a few minutes somebody clears their throat awkwardly at the door we break apart and look over to see my dad standing there looking at the suddenly interesting dent in my wall above the headboard….I don’t think I really need to tell you more then Matt can be a beast in the heat of the moment…I’ll let your mind fly with that.

“ We’re ready when you are baby girl,” daddy says, still refusing to look at me or Matt. I laugh and stand up and walk over to the door where I hug my dad causing him to sigh and hug me back. “Make sure you have everything you need,” he kisses my still wet hair and turns and leaves the room. I look back and Matt already had my bag slung over his shoulder. A few tears slip from my eyes and I hurriedly wipe them away.

“What’s wrong baby?” Matt asks, concerned. He puts my bag back down and pulls me to his chest, holding me close.

“I’m causing them so much pain,” I choke out in a voice not much higher then a whisper.

“Baby, there isn’t anything you can do, please don’t beat yourself up over it.” Matt reassures me.

“But Matt, what if we aren’t covered for this in the health plan? We can’t afford this!” I say, causing more tears to leak down my cheeks.

“Baby, if you couldn’t afford it, we’d find a way to help. My parents, Brian’s parents….they aren’t exactly hard off, we’d help. Please baby, stop stressing it’ll only make it harder for you to get better,” he says, kissing my forehead and pulling me to his chest again, holding me close for a few minutes as I cry a bit more. He was right of course. I knew it wouldn’t be a problem money wise, when Brian’s dad found out he started telling us that if we needed anything he’d be the first to pay up. I had to calm myself. Stress wont help me get better. After a few more minutes I stop crying and kiss Matt’s lips softly. “There’s my firefly, come on babe,” Matt whispers before picking up my bag and following me down stairs where my parents and Raph were waiting, shoes and jackets on. I slip into my chucks before pulling on one of Matt’s sweaters and walking outside after everybody, Matt, Raph and I all crawl into the back seat, me sitting in the middle, I lace my fingers with Matt’s and lay my head against Raphael’s shoulder where he lays his head on mine.

“You ready?” my mom asks from the passenger seat. I nod. “You’ll be fine sweet pea. Matt is staying with you through the whole thing. We’ll all be there when you come out from the radiation, everything will be fine baby,”

“I know, I’m just nervous, that’s all.” I say quietly, Matt squeezes my hand reassuringly as my dad puts the car in park. We get out and then walk towards the large sliding doors of the hospital. I go over to the desk and the nurse smiles up at me.

“Good morning Miss Newton, he’s waiting for you in room eighty-three. Good luck,” she smiles sweetly as we walk away towards room eighty-three. When we get to the room we walk in, I go over and scoot myself up onto the bed, Matt closes the door and leans against it beside Raph while my parents sit down in the two chairs while the doctor smiles at me.

“Good morning Audrina,” he says. “Are you ready?”

“I guess,” I say, biting my lip.

“Well you brought the comfort party, you’ll be fine. I was just informed that somebody will be staying with you here all through the night, is that correct?” he asks looking up from the paper.

“Yes,” I say, smiling slightly. “My boyfriend, Matt.” I gesture to Matt.

“Okay Matt. I’m going to warn you now, tonight she will probably get sick a lot, depending on how her body takes to the Radiation and Chemotherapy mixture. We’re giving you guys a private room but a nurse will be in to check every hour or so, if something looks off please get one of the nurses, if she starts convulsing or if there is blood in her vomit, press the call nurse button immediately. This is going to be a long night. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course,” Matt says seriously. “I’ll do my best,”

“Okay, and now Audrina,” he says looking back over at me. “We’re going to start you off on the oral dose of Chemo, it’s just one small pill once a day, every day,” He holds out a bottle before opening it and taking out one pill with a pair of tweezer like things. “You have to avoid touching it at all so open your mouth, and I’ll just put it on your tongue, Mrs. Newton do you think you could pass me that little cup beside you?”

“Of course,” my mom says and stands up, small cup in hand as I open my mouth and stick my tongue out and he places it on, and mom hands me the cup so I can quickly wash it down. I drink the water and shudder as the pill slips down my throat and into my stomach.

“There,” the doctor says, smiling at me in a reassuring manner. “That wasn’t too hard now was it? Now, the next part is the radiation. What we are going to do is get you to change into one of the gowns. Now, it use to work that if you had two different cancer spots, we’d only shoot the radiation at the largest, but with this new equipment we’re going to shoot it at your stomach and at the mass in your brain. Usually we would perform surgery to remove it from your brain, but unfortunately, the mass is in such an awkward place that it would be too life threatening for us to even attempt to remove it. So, we’re going to have a special mask built for you, it will help keep your head in place while we do it. You may get more headaches then you use to or they may be more sever. Now, with your stomach cancer, we’re going to also use the double dose of radiation and chemo, but for the majority of it, you wont be getting as much radiation, and once we have the brain mass controlled, we’ll perform surgery and remove the mass. This is just to kill it and stop it from spreading more. Now, do you have any questions?”

Of course I had questions. I just couldn’t find my voice to ask them. So I just shook my head, he smiles at me before opening one of the cupboards and handing me a blue gown the ties in the back and opened the door to the little bathroom attached to the room, I walk in and turn on the light as he closes the door behind me. The room was creepy quiet, not a single noise to disturb my thoughts. I take a shaky breath before taking off my clothes and putting on the gross gown. I gather up my clothes and walk out of the room, self-consciously. The back was almost completely open so it was a little awkward.

“Here’s a robe, I know you don’t want to walk down the hall like that, now, if it isn’t too embarrassing could you raise the gown? I have to make a few marks where the radiation is going,” the doctor says, smiling at me in a reassuring way. I nod and jump up onto the bed again and lay on my back. Luckily I picked modest underwear this morning…this would be very…uncomfortable other wise. I gently lift up my gown so my smooth flat stomach is visible. The doctor smiles sympathetically at me and then looks at my stomach, taking the top off of his black marker and drawing little ‘X’s on my skin. I close my eyes as Matt holds my hand and gently runs his thumb across my knuckles soothingly. “There we go, all done, now I have to go to my next patient, but the radiologist will be here in just a few moments, any other questions, please ask him. Good luck Audrina, and I will see you tomorrow morning,” he throws another encouraging smile at me and then leaves the room. I look down at my stomach and gasp.

“Is that the size of the tumour?” I ask, poking at the area about the size of Matt’s hand.

“Yes,” we hear a new female voice say from the door, she walks in and closes the door behind her and smiles. “I’m Dr. Stevens. I’m going to be performing your radiation Audrina, so we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other in the next little while, but yes, that is roughly the size of the tumour, so you can see that we need all the medicine we can attempt to put in your system…in there. Now this is what is going to happen. We’re going to do your brain first, because it is the smallest and also the most lethal. So, when we go in there, there will be about five or six nurses in there. They are going to lay you on a bed and sort of strap you down. It is going to be very constricting and uncomfortable, but this is needed. You wont be able to move at all, then we’ll cover your eyes and head in these large…they look like blocks. It’s to protect everything else. Don’t panic, we will then place a heavy sheet type thing over the rest of your body. Where your tumour is, if the beam was to move or your head was to shift, you would be killed. So that is why you’re going to be basically strapped down. Do you have any questions?”

“Is anybody allowed to be with her?” Raph asks, staring at a spot on the opposite wall, his arms held tightly across his chest.

“No, she is alone in the room. The radiation could hurt anybody else around her,” the doctor says, shaking her head sadly. I close my eyes and bite my lip as Matt squeezes my hand comfortingly. “But, we’re just behind the glass watching and listening, so she’ll be fine. Whenever you’re ready Audrina, we’ll head down,” she says, smiling at me and closing my folder. I nod and stand up. She smiles wider and also stands up.

“I’ll see you in your room baby,” Matt whispers, kissing my temple. I smile at him and follow the radiologist. Half way down the corridor she looks over at me and smiles.

“That big one is your boyfriend isn’t he,” she asks me, trying to make conversation. A huge smile lights up my face.

“Yeah, his name is Matt,” I reply biting my lip causing her to laugh lightly.

“He looks at you with so much love, it’s just amazing! I wish my husband looked at me like that,” she says, shaking her head causing me to laugh lightly and her to smile at me. “How long have you been together?”

“Since I was fourteen, he was fifteen when he asked me out,” I say, remembering.

“He’s a keeper sweetie, so is your mom staying with you tonight?” she asks as she holds open a large metal door.

“No, he is,” I say, as my eyes go wide looking at the machine that could only be for my treatment. She smiles at my reassuringly. The machine waslarge huge! It was white and there was a small bed, that looked like one of the beds they use for cat scans and stuff. The machine it’s self looked intimidating but I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath before looking over at Dr. Stevens.

“You okay?” she asks, smiling sweetly at me.

“Yeah, it just kind of took me by surprise. I’ll be perfectly fine,” I say, shrugging as she walks me towards the bed and pulls out a little metal stool to help me up onto the bed. I scoot myself up before I lay down. She smiles at me before gently placing a heavy blanket over my body.

“This is just to prevent any unwanted radiation rays hitting your good organs, now, I’m going to put glasses over your eyes and a huge block type thing over your head. It’s just to protect you. I’m going to give you this little button and if you need me, just press it and we’ll stop the treatment right away. If you feel anything, press the button, or if you loose feeling in any part of your body, again, press the button.”

“Okay,” I say and smile as she puts the button in my left hand and then places thick dark sunglasses over my eyes and then a block over my head. Everything was dark and quiet.

“Are you okay?” she asks, her voice muffled by the block on my head.

“Yeah,” I say back causing her to laugh lightly, I guess I was just as muffled.

“Okay, we’re going to start now Audrina, the machine is going to sound very loud and it might be frightening, but you’ll be fine, okay, see you in about twenty minutes,” I take a deep breath as I hear s dull thud come from somewhere inside the room, the only sound I can hear is my breathing and heartbeat. After another minute or so I hear a grinding noise. I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I then here a few clicking noises followed by more grinding noises. I guess these must be the noises that the machine makes. I guess they must be working it because they wouldn’t just make the machine make noises to make me ask questions. After a few more minutes the grinding and clicking stops completely and I hear the door open again. Suddenly the block that was over my head along with my glasses are taken off and Dr. Stevens smiles at me. “There, how are you feeling?”

“The same,” I say, my eye brow raised slightly.

“Did you feel anything?”

“No…” I reply, thinking back causing her to smile again.

“Well, we just have to get your stomach and then you’ll be good to go back to your room, okay?” she asks as the lifts off the blanket type thing. I nod and she carefully lifts my hospital gown up to show my stomach, she then lays the blanket over my body again, expect for my stomach and then places the glasses over my eyes again before leaving the room. I look at the machine as it gently starts up, the grinding and clicking noises starting up again as it rocks back and forth over my stomach. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds before I watch the machine again.

Usually a person has surgery before they undergo radiation therapy. I will have to ask if they are going to perform surgery to get my stomach tumour out when she comes back in.

After a few more minutes the machine stops and the grinding and clicking noises stop again. The door opens and Dr. Stevens walks in and smiles brightly at me. I can’t help but smile back at her.

“There, all done for today Audrina! How are you feeling?”

“Good, I have a question,” I say, sitting up when she takes all the blankets and stuff off of me.

“Okay,” she says as she takes the sunglasses and helps me off the bed.

“Am going to go through surgery to remove my stomach tumour?”

“Depending on how this treatment goes, probably. What we want to do is kill it before it can spread, and we also don’t want it to interfere too much with your schooling, as of course, you’re going to be fine through this. But probably. If the radiation and Chemo mixture does not remove it completely from your system then we will remove it earlier then anticipated. We’ll know more after a month to a month and a half. If there isn’t a change in the tumour, we will have to do an immediate action and remove it. Anything else?”

“No, I’m good for now,” I say smiling at her.

“Okay, now lets get you to your room!” she says and holds the door open for me. I feel a dull ache in my head and wince lightly. “You alright?” she asks worried

“Yeah, just my head hurt a bit.”

“Oh, okay. That is expected. It should be fine in a few weeks though. Just this way Audrina, you aren’t too far from the room,” she says laughing lightly as she opens the pale door with the number 83 on the plaque. “And your welcoming party is here,”

“Hey baby,” Matt says, smiling widely as me as I walk into the room. He pulls me into a hug and kisses my forehead causing me and Dr. Stevens to laugh.

“How did it go?” my dad asks, pulling me into a hug before I get pulled into a hug from my mom.

“It was exceptionally,” Dr. Stevens explains, smiling widely.

“That’s good,” Raph says as he pulls me into a hug causing me to laugh.

“Well, I’ll leave you guys alone, I’ll see you tomorrow Audrina,” with that she smiles at me and leaves the room.

“So, how do you feel?” mom asks, as I sit up on my bed and Matt sits beside me.

“A little tired, and my head hurts a bit but right now I feel fine,” I say, shrugging causing Raph to laugh lightly.

“Are you sure?” My dad asks, looking at me curiously.

“Yeah, I feel fine daddy, honest. I’m just tired,” I say and lean against Matt.

“Alright sweet pea, we’re going to get going. Please call us if you need anything, that goes for you too Matt,” My mom says, standing up from her chair. Kissing my forehead and then Matt’s cheek. Raph gives me a hug before he walks out into the hallway and daddy kisses my cheek before following them out. Matt gently lays us down on the bed, kissing my neck lightly and rubbing my side soothingly.

“I love you,” he whispers causing me to laugh lightly.

“I love you too baby, you realize that we are entirely too mushy when it comes to the ‘I love you’s right?”

“Yeah, but who cares.”

“I don’t,” I say, smiling before I push myself against him more.

“Go to sleep firefly, I’ll be right here whenever you need me,” he kisses my hair before gently humming in my ear, as I close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful slumber.