Skin

The night that followed my first treatment was….horrible. We found out that my body hates the mixture, but nothing too crazy. I just got sick a lot but no blood or anything. I felt so bad for Matt but he just sat there with me, holding my hair and rubbing my back. Soothing me.

That was two months ago. About two weeks ago we found out that the treatment is going perfectly and after I finish the program they will be able to perform the removal surgeries safely and without injury! I’m excited. I went back to school and luckily not too many people know about it. Really it’s just the group. But this morning when I woke up I realized that I couldn’t hide it anymore.

Mom came in to wake me up and I sat up before looking at my pillow and there, laying on the fabric, was handfuls of my hair. I screamed when I noticed it causing my mom, who was the closest to my room, to rush in. I sat on the edge of my bed holding onto it, tears streaming down my face. My mom came over and pulled me into a hug. I cried harder, Matt wouldn’t want to take me to the prom! I was going to be bald! I’d be lucky if he stayed with me. That makes me sound like a whiney bitch. But who would want to have more hair then their girlfriend?! Raph walked into the room and see’s the hair in my hand and just closes his eyes.

After a while of crying Matt walks upstairs and into my room as I keep my hood up over my hair.

“Morning baby,” Matt says, walking over to where I was sitting and kissing the top of my hood. I sniff lightly. “What’s wrong?”

“You wont want to take me to the prom anymore!” I say out in a strangled sob. Fresh tears leaking down my cheeks.

“Why?” Matt asks, appalled, pulling me against his familiar chest.

“Because! I’m loosing my hair!” I squeal out before pulling my hood roughly from my head showing bald spots all over my head. I run my fingers gently through them and lift my hand away holding up another chunk of my hair.

“Oh baby, I don’t care about how many hairs are on your head! I love you so much,” Matt says, trying to reassure me. Even though I knew he meant it, I was still scared.

“I love you too,” I whisper against his chest and cry some more. “I guess the cat is going to be out of the bag now isn’t it.”

“Yeah, but everything will be fine firefly,” he says ,kissing my temple soothingly.

After a few more minutes and whispered reassurances from Matt I finish getting ready and we head to school. I swear I almost chewed a hole through my lip from the amount that I bit it on the way to school. I kept my hood up for as long as I could, doing anything possible to keep from letting the whole student body know that I was the bald headed freak. Walking through the halls Lou kept up a stream of chatter trying to keep off the subject of the cancer, after telling the guy what was happening. Prom was in a little less then a month and we all knew my hair was not going to magically re-appear over night.

We walk into our chemistry class, my head hidden in my hood.

“Miss Newton,” the teacher says in her snooty voice making me want to rip out her voice box and feed it to ravenous mice. “Remove your hood right this second young lady!” Jimmy sucks in a breath behind me and Matt grips my hand tighter as I pull my hood down, my eyes misting up. The teacher gasps along with a few other people in the class. I squeeze my eyes closed and just wish I could crawl into a ball.

“You happy now?” Raph hisses as he places his hand on my shoulder glaring at the teacher as I sit down looking at the desk top as tears fall from my eyes. I could feel the whole class staring at me.

“I….I’m sorry,” she stutters out. A group at the front of the class that never liked me started laughing.

“Told you all that hair dye was going to screw you over,” one of them snickers behind her hand, eyes full of glee.

“Is cancer fucking funny?!” Zack yells, eyes bulging. I wrap my arms around my stomach and close my eyes again as the class takes a deep breath. “Cause if it is we all missed the fucking memo. But I am pretty sure that a life threatening illness is not a laughing matter, usually it’s the fucking scariest thing in the world you stupid fucking cunt. So turn your ugly ass self around and if I hear another word come from any of you about Audrina I’ll fucking kill you. And no Mrs. Jackson I will not go to the office, that was completely justified,” Zack says sitting down causing Lou to laugh lightly at the look on Jackson’s face.

“What’s all this?” the booming voice of the principle says, walking into the room after hearing the end of Zack’s outburst. “Mr. Baker, that was completely uncalled for, what is going on here Mrs. Jackson,” feeling the nausea hit I jumped up and made my way to the door holding my stomach. “Where are you going?” He asks looking at me.

“Look, if you want a new addition to your suit and floor then keep me here otherwise move so I don’t get sick all over you,” I whisper closing my eyes and willing the bile back down. “Thank you,” I whisper as he moves and I run to the bathroom, slamming myself against the toilet and releasing the contents into it.

After a few more minutes I flush the toilet and rinse out my mouth, I look into the mirror and groan as I go to move my remaining hair behind my ear just to have another huge clump fall out into my hands. Hastily wiping away anymore tears that fell and throwing my hair into the garbage as I pushed the door open and start walking back towards class, gripping my sides as if to hold myself together. I walk back in and go sit down, ignoring the stares.

“Oh baby,” Matt whispers, noticing more bald spots, he wipes away the tears and kissed my temple, gently rubbing my back.

“I can’t deal with it just falling out, I’m getting rid of it,” I whisper as the teacher starts the lesson, Brian looks over at me, sympathy in his eyes.

“We’re behind you,” Johnny says, smiling softly. I nod lightly before attempting to pay attention. This month just could not go any slower.

After school Matt takes me to my normal hairdresser.

“Hello Audrina,” she says smiling. “Bad hair day?” motioning to my hood.

“You could say that,” I says, giving her a weak smile. “I need you to cut it all of. I mean like full blown bald,” she looks at me horrified.

“Audrina! If it’s just a bad hair day we can fix it! No need to go to such drastic lengths.”

I laugh before pulling my hood down causing her to slap her hand to her mouth. “Oh Audrina, I am so sorry! What’s wrong?” Mae says, pulling me and Matt back to the private part to cut my hair off.

“I have cancer,” I reply in a hushed voice. “The treatments have finally caught up to me, so can you do it?”

“Of course, so you want like….shiny bald?” she asks, Matt smiles at me encouragingly. I swallow and nod. “Are you going for wigs?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head and biting my lip. “It should start to come back so I’ll be bald.”

“Okay Hun,” she says before she starts up the razor and gently runs it across my head. I stare at Matt as he smiles back at me.

After about five minutes I stand up and look into the mirror at my hairless head and bite my lip and I shrug the hood up over my head. I go to pull on my wallet but Mae stops me.

“Look girlie, I am not going to charge you for that. That was really hard to do and have done. Just take care of yourself,” she says, pulling me into and hug and then smiling at me. “You’re stubborn enough, go get them tiger.”

Matt and I leave laughing as I get into the car.

“I love you beautiful,” Matt whispers. Kissing my cheek before driving.

“I love you too,” I say as I run my hand over my smooth head.