Give It a Chance for Our Love to Start

I walked into the house, holding my arms. I wiped my face again, making sure no tears were there. I could not let Nick see me like this. I couldn’t. I had been too cruel to him already. I had to fix this. I had to be set on one path. And that path was Nick.

“Hey,” he said, coming out of the living room.

I smiled weakly as he walked over to me, and kissed my forehead. “You don’t have to hide for me,” he whispered against my skin.

I sighed. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He knew me better than I knew myself. "I didn't mean to--"

"Tinsley was like your sister," he interjected.

"Oh," I said. So he wasn't talking about Joe. So he didn't know we had kissed. I let out a breath of relief. "Yeah, Tinsley -- she --" I froze. She was gone. The actuality of it hit me again. I felt tears coming to my eyes. "I can't talk about it right now."

He nodded understandingly, wiping the hair out of my eyes. "Whenever you're ready, I'm here for you."

"Thanks," I smiled at him weakly before Joe came in.

"Hey," he mumbled to Nick, not even looking at me. I sighed. If this would be less painful, so be it. Because looking at him was painful for me.

Nick looked from Joe to me.. "What happened," he asked me. Damn, he did know me too well.

"Nothing," I said quietly. Luckily, Kevin came into the room.

He hugged me first before hugging Joe too. "Hey guys. How are you guys?"

"Okay," I sighed. I had to be okay now. I didn't have a choice.

Nick squeezed my hand. "Mom and them are all planning the funeral," he said quietly.

I sighed, feeling tears well up in my eyes again. A funeral. It was so final. I sighed, and sat down on the couch. The boys followed. "I can't believe she's gone. She's --"

"Everything," Joe finished.

I nodded. As much as i hated to admit it, having him there made it slightly easier to talk about it.

Nick put his arm around me, and I felt guilt wash over me. Nick, my choice, my path, he wanted to be here for me, and I wasn't letting him in. I wanted to. I really did. But I just – couldn’t. I didn’t want to hurt him. He smiled at me encouragingly, and comfortingly.

---

I sighed, holding Nick’s hand tighter as we walked towards the cemetery. Around us, people were walking there too. The sun was beating down on us, having come here to Texas to have Tinsley buried closer to home. Buried. I couldn’t believe it. I took a deep breath to quell the sobs that were building up in my chest again.

Nick wrapped his arm around me. “It’ll be okay,” he whispered as he kissed the side of my forehead. “I’m here.”

“I know,” I smiled weakly at him.

We took our seats in front of the coffin. Somehow, I was placed in between Nick and Joe. The priest stood up to begin the service. Next to Nick, my parents were already crying. Tinsley was like their daughter. I felt the sobs coming back again as my body shook to quiet them.

“We are gathered here today not only to say goodbye to Miss Tinsley Carmichael,” the priest started. I saw Joe take a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He was in pain right now. He needed comfort. Without thinking, I reached over and grabbed his hand with my free one. He looked at our joint hands before looking up at me in shock. I tried to smile at him. Nick squeezed my other hand, smiling at me encouragingly. “But also to celebrate the life she lived. Though her life was cut so tragically short, Tinsley will always be remembered in our hearts. She lived a full life every minute of every day. And she will be remembered by her loved ones as a light in the darkness.” He paused. I was in tears now, as I saw everyone else was too. “Before we lower the body into its eternal resting place, Tinsley’s best friend would like to say a few words.”

“Sister,” I corrected as I stood, releasing both Nick and Joe’s hands to wipe my eyes. I walked over to stand near the priest, and looked out over the congregation. “Um, well you all knew Tinsley. She was – the girl you could hear from a mile away, the girl who made awkward situations not so awkward, the girl who took everyone’s breath away. She was the center of attention, because that’s where she wanted to be, and that’s where we loved her. Tinsley was – she was my sister, in almost every sense of the word. She was always there for me. She died, saving my life.” I sighed, wiping a tear from my face as I walked closer to the casket. “I love you Tins. I hope you’re at peace now.”

I buried my head in Nick’s chest as they lowered her casket, tearing running freely down my face. “Goodbye,” I whispered.

---

I was sitting on the outside steps with my arms wrapped around myself. It wasn’t cold, but I thought I would fall apart if I didn’t. I just needed to be – alone right now. No that was wrong. I needed to be away from Nick. He was the sweetest guy in the world, and I wanted to let him in, and just let him help me, but I couldn’t. And I didn’t know why that was. Again, a lie. I did know. But I didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t admit it. I couldn’t let Nick in, because I really needed J—

“Hey,” Nick opened the door, and came out, pulling me from my thoughts before I could think the name.

I smiled up at him. “Hey,” I said.

“How are you doing,” he asked.

I shrugged as he sat down next to me. “Better,” I admitted. I was. It was still too painful, and there was still an empty hole in me, but I was doing better.

He sighed. “Just better?”

I watched his face. I could see he wanted to really know how I was feeling. But I just wasn’t ready to tell him yet. I shrugged.

He took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to go check on my mom and Frankie. You going to be okay by yourself?”

I nodded. He smiled, and kissed my forehead before walking in. I took a deep breath, letting that Texas air fill my lungs, though apparently, it wasn’t exactly the best thing right now, with that swine flu or whatever. But I didn’t care. I had just really missed home. I wrapped my arms around myself tighter. How had I stayed away from this for so long?

I heard the door open again. “That was quick,” I said.

“What,” Joe said.

Shocked, I turned around. “Sorry, I thought it was Nick again.”

“Oh,” he said, sitting down next to me. I could hear the pain in his voice. I mentally kicked myself. Right, good one Beth. Why don’t you cause him more pain while you’re at it? He looked at me. “So escaping the morbid feeling inside too?”

I nodded, sighing. “If one more person comes up to me to tell me they’re sorry for my loss, I swear to God, I’ll set the swine flu on them.”

He laughed lightly. “I know how you feel. You have no idea how many old grannies have come up to me to say ‘poor boy, never going to married now, and you’re so young and cute. Come rub my feet’,” he imitated the women. He shuddered. "And those women have -- gross feet."

I laughed for what felt like the first time in so long. “They’re sweet though,” I said.

“Sweetly annoying,” he mumbled.

I smirked. “Oh, I’m sure they wanted to just eat you up.”

“That is weirdly creepy,” he rolled his eyes at me. He made a face. “And probably true.”

I giggled. “Aww you should take them to dinner,” I joked. “They’d probably just die.”

He made a face at me. “That is so mean.”

We both laughed for a few moments, and then got really quiet. It wasn’t awkward though. It was really comfortable actually. It wasn’t like anything needed to be said. We knew each other too well. I sighed. This was what I needed. As much as I hated to admit it, I just needed to sit here with Joe. “It’s weird,” he said suddenly. “I can’t even believe she’s really gone.”

I sighed. It didn’t hurt as much to talk about it to Joe. It felt – comforting. “I honestly don’t know what to do without her,” I admitted. “She’s been there for me through everything.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “And even though it was you with the letters, for all those years, I thought they were her. And even now, it’s kind of like she’s really never going to write me now.”

I felt tears come to my eyes. “She loved you.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “Bethany, can I ask you something?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

“Why did you respond to my emails when she didn’t,” he asked quietly. “I mean, you did, and she didn’t. I’m glad you did, don’t get me wrong. I’m really glad. But why?”

I sighed, thinking about it. “You were the direction my life was heading to. I knew it. I knew you were the only one for me.”

“Were,” he repeated quietly.

I sighed, and looked at him. I could see the pain in his eyes, and it killed me. “Joe, I—“

The door opened again, and Nick came out. I looked away from Joe. “What’s going on,” Nick asked.