Memories Won't Let Me Cry

I tried to stay at my house as long as I could, and attempted to eat some breakfast, but I just couldn’t do it. Even the coffee that Matt had made before leaving didn’t sit well, and I spent the better part of two hours huddled over the toilet while my insides ripped themselves to shreds. And then I went downstairs to curl on the couch, watching mindless TV before I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to get out of there.

After getting out of the shower and getting dressed in jeans and one of Matt’s Metallica tee shirts, even though it was too big for me, I straightened my hair and put on a little bit of mascara before going back to grab my phone and purse. I just didn’t feel good enough to put any effort into my appearance. I stepped into my flip-flops and picked up my keys before heading put of the house, the early afternoon sun beating down on me as I went to my car.

I hesitated before starting it up, wondering if Brian would even be home. He should have been; I hadn’t heard that he had any plans with the other guys today, and his own family was on vacation. And even if he wasn’t, I would just pull out my spare key and let myself in.
Today, I thought, I would feel more comfortable alone in Brian’s house than in my own.

It took me less than fifteen minutes to reach Brian’s house and when I did I parked in the driveway and got out to walk up slowly to the front door. It was unlocked so I stepped in and called out for him.

“Brian? You here?”

“Yeah.” He called before coming from the kitchen, dressed in cargo shorts and a tee shirt. He was grinning as he made his way over to me. “I was just about to call you, babe.”

I smiled. “I bet you were.”

“I was.” He insisted as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a tight hug, swaying me from side to side. And then he murmured, “Matt and Memphis said you still aren’t feeling good. Everything okay?”

I nodded against his shoulder and pulled back to smile at him. “I’m fine. Just really tired, you know?”

He narrowed his eyes at me before nodding and leading me back to the kitchen. “Want something to drink? Maybe something to eat?” He made that last suggestion with a quick glance at the way my jeans, usually snug and perfect fitting, hung loosely off my hips.

I didn’t comment on it and shook my head, sitting at the table. “Just some water, if you don’t mind.”

He nodded and opened the fridge to pull out a bottle of water before handing it to me.

I opened the top and took a sip, the cold liquid sliding down my aching throat before putting it on the table in front of me.

“So how's the album coming?" I asked with a smile as he sat down beside me. "Matt said its coming along really good."

"It's coming along great." He replied with a goofy grin. "It feels like we've spent the past eight years writing it, you know? Because this album is us-it is truly Avenged Sevenfold, you know?"

I nodded and smiled. "I can't wait for it to come out. I can't wait to hear the music."

He grinned and reached out to tug on a lock of my auburn hair. "You'll hear it soon. There are actually a couple of songs that Matt's anxious for you to hear."

This made me grin. "Really?"

He nodded. "Really. Are you seriously surprised, though?" He asked with a pointed stare. "After Seize the Day, I'd think that you'd be used to him writing things for you. He loves you, Lynds."

I tried to smile, but my lips trembled as my throat tightened with emotion. Before Brian could notice I picked up my bottle of water and stood to go outside.

Brian's backyard faced the beach, just like Matt's, and he had a nice patio branching off the house, leading out into the yard. There was a low railing circling the patio, and most people treated it like a bench, laying down or sitting on it, which I now did, sitting so I could look out at the ocean with just a turn of my head.

It was pretty hot outside, but I was still cold. I crossed my arms and huddled into myself, wanting more than anything to be warm.

The door to the house opened and closed, and there was a long scratching noise as Brian dragged one of the patio chairs over so he could sit in front of me, close enough that my knees were trapped in between the V of his legs as he sat down and leaned towards me.

"Lyndsey…" He started to say my name slowly, and I turned to see he was resting his elbows on his knees and was looking down at his clasped hands. "What's going on?"

I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me, and turned to look out at the water again. "Nothing, Brian. I'm fine."

He sighed heavily before saying quietly, "Bullshit."

I looked at him with surprise. "What?"

"That's bullshit, Lyndsey, and you know it." He accused lightly, raising his eyes to mine. "I'm your best friend, I know you better than anyone, almost as well as Matt. And I know when something's wrong with you-"

"Nothing's wrong, Brian. I'm fine."

"No, you're not." He almost snapped. "You've lost weight; so much that it’s almost unhealthy. You're not eating, you're not yourself. You used to laugh and smile all the time and now…you just don't. It's like your sad all the time. Matt's worried about you, I'm worried…we all are. I know something's going on, so don't you dare sit there and tell me that nothing's wrong because I know better. I know you better."

I avoided his eyes and tried to think of something to say. I couldn't tell him that I thought I was pregnant because I knew right away that he would tell Matt…or would he?

"Is it Matt?" He asked quietly.

"What?"

"Is something going on with Matt? Did he hurt you?" He asked that last question with a frown. "Because if he did, I'll-"

I shook my head vigorously. "No, he hasn't done anything. Matt's perfect."

Brian made a face. "No he isn't."

"Yes, he is." I laughed a little. "He's perfect for me."

He nodded and looked a little relieved. "So everything's okay with you two, then?"

I nodded and found my first real smile in days. "Everything's perfect. I love him so much, Brian, you have no idea. He's my everything; he's the reason why I get up in the morning, why I'm even alive right now. I don't know what I would do without him…I don't think I could make it."

He smiled knowingly at me. "He has said the same thing about you, just so you know."

I smiled again.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or do I have to beat it out of you?" He asked with a grin.

I shook my head. "No, I'm okay."

"You wouldn't have needed to come over here if you were okay." He stated and I rolled my eyes.

He really did know me too well.

"Look…Brian, I don't want to be a pain in the ass, okay?" I said suddenly and he looked at me, startled. "It seems that every time something bad happens, it's involving me and I don't want you to worry. I can deal with this…I can." I said it almost to assure myself as much as him. "So now I think I'm going to go, I don't want to ruin your-"

"Lyndsey, sit the hell back down." Brian barked when I started to stand, and he put his hands on my hips to force me back to sitting when I continued to stand.

"Brian-"

"No, you just listen to me." He demanded, sitting forward to frown at me. "First of all, don't you ever start to think that you're a pain in the ass, to anyone, because you're not. Everyone loves you, Lynds, and we'd all do anything for you, especially me and Matt. You know that."

"I know-"

"I'm not finished." He interrupted and I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Second of all, not everything bad involves you. You're giving yourself too much credit." He cracked and I smacked his arm with a small laugh.

"And you're not going to ruin my day; I think my day got a little better when you came over." He said with a sweet smile. "And I know that you can deal with whatever is going on. You're stronger than you think, but that doesn't mean that you should have to. I'm here for you, whenever you need me, and I want you to talk to me. You know it's not good for you to bottle these things up, so talk to me."

I blew out a breath and looked down at my lap, trying to find the words. Brian just waited on me, like he always did; he was always there, and I was so thankful.

"I don't even know how to tell you everything, Brian." I admitted with a small shake of my head. "I just feel so…"

"So what?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "I don't even know how to explain it, but…do you ever feel like, no matter what you do, nothing can ever go right for you?"

He looked back at me for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yeah, I have. I felt like that just after Memphis left. You remember, you came along when I was at my worst. I just didn’t care about anything." He shrugged and sat back in his chair. "I got through each day as best I could, played each and every show like it would be my last, had sex with the first girl to throw herself at me, drank until I passed out-or until the guys forced me to stop-woke up and repeated the process all over again. I did that for months, years, because I just didn’t give a fuck. I had lost the only person that I loved, the only one that that I ever could love, and so I thought…" He shrugged again. "What's the point, you know? But then I realized that life was meant to be lived, not thrown away and that I shouldn't be trying so hard to kill myself because if I was really meant to be dead, then I would be." He winked at me. "A very smart girl taught me that."

I smiled, knowing that I had been the one to tell him that-well, I actually screamed it at him while the guys had stood to the side and snickered because he had had a killer of a hangover, and his head was aching so much he was in tears and there I was, shaking my finger at him and giving him shit at the top of my lungs.

"I just feel…I don't even know." I laughed a little and gripped my hands. "I had a dream about Christian the other night, and when I lost him."

Christian Charles Sanders had been the name that Matt and I chose for our son when we lost him. We were able to baptize him and give him the proper funeral, which had been hard; so unbelievably hard.

I heard Brian sigh but he didn’t say anything; he just let me talk.

"I still think about what I could have done, you know; what I could have done differently, how I could have prevented losing him."

Brian was shaking his head. "Lyndsey, don’t do that. You know that it wasn't your fault."

"It feels like it was."

"I know, but it wasn't. You remember what the doctors told you; they said that Christian wasn't healthy, and that you probably would have had the miscarriage then, whether your dad had died or not. You-"

"I know." I whispered. "I know they said that, and I believe that-now. But it's just so hard sometimes, you know? It’s probably harder for Matt, though."

"It was hard for him. He wasn't here for you when your dad died, and he didn’t make it home in time to be with you when you were taken to the hospital. He doesn’t talk about it very much, but it almost killed him, Lynds. When his mom called and said that your dad had died, and that you were in the hospital, and you lost the baby, I really thought he was going to go crazy and try to hurt himself. And it wasn't…it wasn't so much losing the baby that was the worst, although that was pretty bad. It was the fact that he hadn’t been here with you, and that you were pretty much here alone, that killed him."

"I know." Tears were in my eyes as Brian spoke, and two fat tear drops slid down my cheeks. "And that's what kills me because I know that Matt would never have had to go through that, if it weren't for me."

"What?" Brian was incredulous. "Lyndsey, what are you talking about?"

"It broke his heart when we lost the baby, Brian. He was so excited to be a father, and I ruined that. I know it wasn't my fault, I do know that. But…I just get scared sometimes."

"Scared?" He whispered that and took my hands in his. "Scared of what?"

"Losing him." I admitted. "I lose everybody, Brian. My mom died when I was little, and my sister died when I was a teenager. I didn’t have any other family, besides Daddy and now he's gone, and my baby…I just get scared of losing Matt, too."

"You're not going to lose him. He loves you, Lyndsey. I've never seen him this happy, never."

I laughed through my tears and shook my head. "I'm not making any sense."

He sighed and rubbed my hands, and I stared into the distance as more tears fond their way down my cheeks, dripping off my chin.

I kept thinking of all the things that Brian had said, and all my feelings. And I knew that I shouldn’t say anything about it yet, especially in case I was wrong, but I couldn’t help but think about the possible life growing inside of me and felt fear, all over again.

"I feel like a failure." I whispered and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him raise his head to look at me.

"What?"

I sniffed. "I feel like a failure, Brian. I feel like I let Matt down, by losing the baby…we were both so ready to be parents, you know? He couldn’t wait to be a daddy and then he lost that, because of me. I thought he was going to leave me, just after it happened, even though I knew, deep down, that he wouldn't." I closed my eyes against the pain that tore through my heart. "I just love him so much, Brian. I l-love him and…and I c-can't lose him…"

At the end of this, I broke down, bowing my head as sobs wracked my small frame.

"Lyndsey…"

Brian sat down beside me and pulled me into his arms, letting me curl against him with my face pressed against his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears.

"It's okay, sweetie." He murmured, kissing the top of my head as he held me, rocking me from side to side as I let go of my emotions.

"What's…oh my God, is she okay?"

At the sound of Memphis' voice, I looked up and saw she was standing in the doorway to the house, looking at me with alarm.

"Yeah, she's just-"

"H-hi, Mems." I hiccupped on her name and she laughed before coming to take the spot Brian had been in before.

"Are you okay?" She asked in concern.

I nodded before starting to cry again.

"Matt's in the living room. Maybe you should go keep him occupied for a minute, Bri." She suggested and I groaned.

The last thing I needed was to have my boyfriend see me like this.

He swore and rubbed my arm, kissing the top of my head.

"I'll get him to go to the store with me or something, say you two are having some girl time. I love you, kid." He said before standing up, handing me my bottle of water.

"Love you, too. Thanks."

He bent down to kiss Memphis and murmur that he loved her before he went back in the house and Memphis smiled at me.

"Everything okay?"

I took a deep breath and looked Memphis in the eye, knowing that she would keep a secret. She had secrets of her own, surely; she wouldn't tell Matt mine.

Gripping my hands together in my lap again, I took a deep breath and blurted, "I think I'm pregnant."