Memories Won't Let Me Cry

"You want the whole story, or the short version?" I asked with a small chuckle.

Memphis glanced back at me before pulling over to the side of the road, parking in front of a house. She then turned in her seat to face me, as did Corie, and gave me a reassuring smile.

"You tell us whatever you need to." She said softly. "Just talk to us."

I nodded and blew out a breath while looking down at my clenched hands, where they were held in my lap.

"I drove." I said simply and quietly. "I just drove around, thinking of everything that was happening. And the whole time I just kept thinking that I had probably fucked everything up with leaving, but…I couldn't go back. I don't even know how I ended up near Val's but when I ran out of gas…" I shook my head with a small shrug. "It just seemed too weird, you know? I thought that I should go talk to her; maybe find out what happened from her. Maybe I could understand it a little better, you know?"

Corie nodded and reached back to pull my hands apart, holding one of them between both of hers as she asked, "Then what happened?"

"She was really surprised to see me; she wasn't expecting me, and I think she was a little suspicious in the beginning, which I don't blame her for. But then I explained that Matt had told me about Blake, and I asked her to explain to me what had happened, which she did. She said that she found out she was pregnant a while after she and Matt had split, and she had decided to keep it a secret, but changed her mind after her son was born. She never wanted to keep it from me, though she understood why Matt did; because he was scared of how I could react to finding out that my boyfriend had a child with his ex, especially when she and I don't really get along…" I shook my head again and looked up at the two girls, who were silent and let me tell them everything freely. "It all made sense when she was explaining it, you know? Why couldn't I have felt that way when Matt was telling me?"

"Because you were upset to begin with, Lynds," Memphis said softly. "And to walk into something like that…I can understand how you could have freaked out because I would have, too. And let's be honest: my brother isn't exactly the smartest person in the world, especially when it comes to explaining himself."

Corie was nodding fiercely with a look of sympathy on her face and I couldn't help but laugh before Memphis urged me to continue.

"Well…Val and I understand each other now, and we've agreed to put our differences, whatever they may be, aside for Blake's sake, and for Matt. She's actually really sweet."

Corie remained silent while Memphis nodded a little bit.

"Lyndsey…I just want to apologize for blurting it out like that. I should have been more careful-" Memphis started to apologize but I grabbed her hand with my free one and shook my head.

"No, Mems, don't be sorry. I'm not upset with you because I know now that if you hadn't done that…who knows how long it would have taken Matt to tell me? And things might have turned out a lot differently."

She nodded and squeezed my fingers before asking, "So what now?"

"I don't know." I sighed and leaned my head back against the seat. "I don't even know if Matt wants anything to do with me now."

"Honey, are you kidding me?" Corie scoffed. "That dork has been beside himself since you left. He's been pacing and crying and checking his cell phone every five minutes-"

"All the guys have, especially Brian." Memphis cut in and Corie nodded.

"He'd do anything to see you now, even just to know you're okay. You'll work this out."

I nodded and sniffed a little trying to hold back tears of dread and relief.

"You know…they were all worried about what you were doing…Brian and Matt said they were scared that you would try to hurt yourself." Memphis told me and I shook my head.

"No. I started cutting, hurting myself after I lost my baby, when I thought I was alone and would lose Matt. But it didn't last for very long because the guys backed me into a corner and each took their turn at making me feel like an idiot for doing it, and Jimmy threatened to kick my ass all the way to Timbuktu and back if I didn’t stop being so stupid. So I stopped." I said with a small shrug. "Though just seeing Matt cry over me was enough to make me stop."

They laughed and Memphis nodded. "Yeah, I didn't think you would do anything like that." She said with a very subtle glance at my stomach.

I nodded and let go of their hands to wipe the tears from my cheeks. "Take me to my boyfriend, please."

Memphis laughed and then they both turned in their seats as the car was pulled away from the curb and we were on our way back to Brian's house.

My mind swam with thoughts of what would happen when I saw my boyfriend, and when I saw the other guys. What would I do? What would I say?

Oh, God, do I tell Matt? Do I tell him…

Minutes later Memphis was pulling into the driveway and Corie and I were getting out.

"Aren't you coming?" Corie asked.

"Yeah, uhm…I just need to call my mom for a second and then I'll be in." Memphis said, waving her cell at us.

I nodded and smiled before following Corie up to the front door.

"It will be okay, I promise." She whispered before opening the door and stepping in.

"So did you and Memphis have hot sex with Jackie?" Zacky asked from somewhere inside the house and I stifled a laugh, not even bothering to ask what that was about because I had a feeling I didn't want to know.

"Sure did, hot-stuff." Corie teased. "And guess who joined us?"

She stepped fully inside, holding the door open for me and I stepped in too, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and nervous. Four pairs of eyes were on me, each wide with amazement and relief.

"Lyndsey, thank God!" Jimmy practically shrieked, jumping up from the couch to tackle me in a huge hug, lifting me off the floor and spinning me around. "Don't ever do that again, please…please, baby-girl." He murmured after setting me down and I shook my head, a small smile on my lips as I tried hard not to cry.

"I won’t Jimmy, I'm-"

"L-Lyndsey?"

At the sound of my name being called I turned my head to see Matt coming out of the kitchen with Brian right behind him, both looking shocked and worried.

I smiled and nodded, taking a step towards him before he was coming towards me, almost running before grabbing me to his chest, his arms locked around my body as he whispered, "Baby". I pressed my face into his neck, finally letting myself cry.

"I'm sorry." I whispered brokenly and he was shaking his head as he pulled away to cup my face between his hands and press kiss after kiss to my lips, his own cheeks wet with tears.

I felt his rough fingers sliding down my bare arms, over every inch of my exposed skin and pulled back to look in his eyes as I whispered, "I didn't do anything, Matt. I promise."

He sighed in relief and kissed my forehead before hugging me again, letting me wrap my arms around his neck, pressing our bodies close together for what seemed like the first time in ages.

"I love you." He murmured into my ear, his hands roaming up and down my back to soothe my nerves. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." I returned, kissing his cheek as someone cleared their throat from beside us.

"Are we going to get some loving, too, or what?"

I laughed and turned around to throw myself against Brian, locking my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist and hugged me as tight as he could, slowly swaying me from side to side.

"Don't do that again, please?" He whispered. "Never, never, never."

I shook my head and pulled away to kiss his cheek as I promised, "I won't."

Next it was Zacky's turn and he hugged me tight, though not as tight as the last three had, and told me gruffly, "You scared the fuck out of me, kiddo."

I immediately felt guilty again I pulled away to be hugged by Johnny. "I'm sorry, guys."

"Don't be sorry." Johnny assured me, kissing my forehead. "Just don't do it again."

I nodded and pulled away to be hugged by Corie.

"Where did you go?" Jimmy asked as the guys surrounded us in a circle.

"I…it doesn't matter now. I'll tell you later." I said, locking eyes with Matt from a few feet away.

He smiled, his dimples appearing in his cheeks to make my heart stop and pulled me into him again, holding me around my waist with my back against his chest.

"Well…where’s Memphis?" Zacky asked with a frown, looking around the room.

"She was right behind us…" My sentence trailed off as I frowned at Corie.

"She probably went home." Corie said hesitantly, though she looked worried. "She was pretty choked with herself for blurting out about…the thing."

I chuckled as Brian grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

"I'm going to go talk to her. I'll see you guys in a bit." He went out the door before coming back to point his finger and look menacingly at me. "And don't go anywhere. I want to talk to you, so you keep your ass here."

I saluted him before turning around to frown up at Matt.

"Think your sister is okay?"

He sighed and shrugged a little, running his fingers through my hair. "I hope so. She seemed pretty upset about the whole thing; yelling it out like that, you leaving…" He sighed again and cupped my face in his big hands again, looking almost frantically into my eyes. "Baby, I am so sorry for not telling you everything sooner. I wish that I had but I was scared-"

"Matt, stop." I whispered, putting my own hands on his cheeks and he cupped my wrists between his fingers. "It's okay. I understand now why you didn't tell me, and I don’t blame you. But let's talk about it later, okay? When we go home."

He nodded and pressed his lips to my nose.

"Where the fuck could she have gone?" Corie was asking herself, biting her lip as she paced back and forth a few feet away from us.

I was worried, too. She had seemed fine when I left the car, but maybe she was really good at hiding how upset she was.

I wanted to go talk to Corie, but the minute I tried to pull away from Matt he tightened his arms around me.

"I want to go talk-"

"No." He said sternly. "You've been away from me too long today; I want you right where you are."

I rolled my eyes just as Matt's cell rang. He dug it out of his pocket and brought it to his ear.

"Hello?" He paused and frowned. "What the hell did you do, speed to get to my parents'? What…what do you mean she's not there?" He paused again as everyone stopped to look at him. "She needed air? What the fuck…" And then he smiled before saying, "Big Bear."

The guys started muttering, leaving me confused.

"Okay, see you in a few, man." Matt flipped his phone shut and held onto it as he grinned at everyone.

"What's all that about?" I asked with a smile.

"She's gone to Big Bear."

I smiled and nodded. Matt and his family own a cabin by the lake, and it's pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It's beautiful and peaceful there, and for whatever reason, years ago, people started calling it Big Bear, though I still had no idea why. But the guys go there quite often for weekends away, and did a lot of their writing up there.

"Everyone, go home and get some shit together." Zacky ordered, grabbing Corie's hand as he dragged her to the door. "We're going to Big Bear."

"Yeah, I think we all need some time away." Jimmy said with a nod.

"And we need to see what the fuck is wrong with my sister." Matt said to me before shouting to Johnny, "Hey, bring that girl you had with you earlier."

My brow shot up and I spun around to smirk at Johnny. "Girl? What's this, Johnny?"

He rolled his eyes and waved me off as he picked up his keys from the table.

"You have to bring her, Johnny. I have to meet her and give my approval before you can officially start dating her."

"Why?" He and Matt said at the same time and I shrugged.

"It's rule. Any girl that you guys and Jimmy date has to have my approval, as well as Corie's and Memphis'." I shrugged again. "It’s just the rule."

Johnny scoffed and ran out the door, leaving me and Matt alone.

"Let's go home, baby, and get some stuff for a few days." He said, tugging on my hand. "Brian can damn well talk to you when we get there."

I laughed and followed him out the door.

It was great to be home.