Memories Won't Let Me Cry

Big Bear...boy had I missed this place. When I was 16 my parents bought a cabin up here...a pretty big cabin with lots of land to go with it...and I loved it up here! I would always come here to clear my head...ease my mind of everything. The air was clear and the birds always sang the right song...soothing away everything that needed to be soothed!

Right now...I was just down in the dumps. Every emotion I was feeling was coming out through my tears as I sat on the steps in the cabin. I had been here since the night before and hadn't gotten much sleep. Images of bad memories kept me awake...and sadly...in tears. I hated these emotions! I never was a crier but here lately...everything crept on me at once. Why couldn't I just forget?

Memories are something that makes you who you are, inside and out. Without memories you are nothing, my brother once told me. But some of my memories...one would want to forget about! I had tried blocking them out of my mind...trying to find a place deep inside to hide them...but none-the-less...they haunted me to this day. I remembered everything like it happened yesterday and I hated that.

I had never spoken freely about the worst memory of all...only me, Andrew, and two other men knew and I never wanted to see their faces again! I rarely ever thought about it...but it's hard not to when it's as if it killed something inside of you. My once free spirit seemed bruised and my once laid back nature was battered. I wasn't myself. But how can you be yourself after something as dramatic as that happens to you?

I groaned and stood from the steps, wiping the tears from my cheeks as I decided I wasn't gonna mope around here anymore! I had left a note telling everyone I needed air and that's what I intended to do...get air.

I walked out of the cabin, closing the door behind me as I took in the fresh, clean air the mountains had to offer. I began feeling at ease now. Being by myself always helped me cope with things...sometimes not so much...but something like this I felt needed to be kept sacred...that way I wouldn't crush anyone.

I made my way off the porch and headed down a path toward the dock. I loved having my own personal lake...that's why I loved Big Bear! Everything about this place was amazing. I would live here if I wasn't a city girl.

I sighed loudly as I scanned the beautiful water. The morning sun beat down on it...making it glimmer which caused me to smile. Perfection was the word to describe it. There is no way there was something more beautiful than this view.

I sat down, pulling my knees to my chest as I rested my chin on my right knee. My mind racing with thoughts. I had yet to come clean with everyone about anything and that killed me. Family was suppose to mean everything…and to me it did! But would they forgive something so dramatic as becoming a failure? Disgracing your family name?

Even worse...how could I look them dead in the eye and tell them that I not only lost a part of my pride...but my dignity? I left something so precious back there at boot camp...my identity! Who Memphis Jean Sanders used to be....they took it from me. Ripped it out from under me, you may say...and I have never truly gotten it back.

I let out a loud sob as I finally just broke down. I needed this. These emotions needed to flow out of me and I hoped they would take the images as well. I didn't want this burden anymore! I couldn't handle it. God please...take it away.

"Mems?"

I jumped and turned around to see Lyndsey and Corie standing at the beginning of the docks. I turned back around quickly...fighting with my tears to stop. How the hell did they figure out where I was?

"Memphis?" Corie called out as her and Lyndsey walked closer to me.

"Yea?" I called out, trying to hide my sorrow. I wiped my cheeks, trying to rid them of tears, but they still fell from my eyes.

"It's beautiful out here! I always loved coming up here!" Lyndsey replied.

"How did yaw know I was here?" I asked.

"Matt knew! Jimmy and Johnny brought their girlfriends! You remember Josceline from High School? Her and Jimmy have been together for about 2 years and Johnny met this girl named Katie about 4 months ago and is now madly in love with her!" Corie filled me in.

I nodded, not wanting to face them because I was still crying. I wanted so badly for my tears to stop...I didn't want them to see me like this! That's why I wanted to get away!

"Brian's worried sick about you girlie!" Lyndz replied and with that I closed my eyes and let out anouther loud sob.

"Oh god...Memphis what's wrong?" Corie asked kneeling down beside me.

"Are you hurt?" Lyndsey asked as well.

"I.....was....I" I tried to talk but I couldn't.

"Oh god...did someone hurt you?" Lyndz asked again...worry in her voice.

"Something's wrong..." Corie replied more to herself.

"MATT" Lyndsey screamed.

"No...please" I sobbed out.

"What happened, Mems?" Corie asked forcing me to look in her eyes.

"I...can't Corie...I just cant tell!" I sobbed out.

"BRIAN" Lyndsey screamed again.

"What the fuck are they doing?" Corie replied holding me to her. "GOD DAMN IT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MEMPHIS! GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!"

With that I heard something that sounded like a stampede coming down the path. I knew now it was gonna be a long day! I had to tell them...but how? The thought caused me to cry harder. Dear God...help me...please?