Memories Won't Let Me Cry

I knelt on the dock beside Corie, my hand on Memphis' back as I watched the guys run down the path, Matt and Brian right beside each other, with the other three trailing not far behind. I saw two girls walking a little slower towards us, and knew then that they were the girls Jimmy and Johnny had brought; they must think we're the most dramatic people on earth, I thought dismissively.

Feet pounding on the wooden floor, Brian reached Memphis first and briefly glanced at me as I stood up, letting him have my spot so he could fall to his knees beside Memphis.

"Mems? Baby?" He spoke to her softly, reaching out to bring her face to his. When he saw the tears racing down her cheeks, her blue eyes brimmed with more, he scooted his body closer to hers so he could take her in his arms and rock her from side to side as he spoke softly in her ear; I didn't have to hear him to know he was asking, begging her to tell him what was wrong.

"What's wrong?" Matt demanded to know, stopping beside me to bend at the knees, running his fingers through his sisters' hair. "Kid, what happened?"

I saw her shake her head against Brian's shoulder, but the words she spoke were muffled with her crying, her voice high-pitched and broken.

Matt looked up at me and I could see the worry in his eyes. "Did she say anything to you?"

I shook my head quickly as Corie said, "No. No, she wouldn't tell us anything. She was crying and saying she couldn't tell."

"Tell what?" Jimmy asked as he stood beside me on the dock.

"We don't know." I mumbled and Jimmy put his hand on my shoulder.

We all stood there in silence or the next few minutes, listening to the soft words Matt and Brian were saying to Memphis, and the muffled cries from her. But she seemed to calm down after a little while and pulled away from Brian to wipe her cheeks.

"Kid, what's going on?"

"Nothing." She sniffed and shook her head.

"Nothing?" Matt scoffed and Brian tucked some hair behind her ears.

"Baby, you're not crying over nothing. You don't do that. Please, tell us what's going on?"

She locked eyes with him for a moment, her mouth open as if she were trying to think of something to say. But then she pushed him away from her and stood up.

"I don't want to talk about it." She said, almost coldly, brushing past her brother and leaving Brian kneeling on the ground, jaw hanging in shock and hurt. "I'm fine."

"You are not fine." Matt snapped, following after her. "Memphis, get back here and talk to us."

"No."

"Mems-" Corie tried to bring her back but she kept walking.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" She practically screamed and Matt took off after her, jogging across the dock to grab her by the arm and spin her around.

"What the hell is your problem, Memphis?" He raged at her, sounding more annoyed than angry.

"My problem?" She growled. "My problem is that you won't back the fuck off." And then she shoved him off her, so hard that he took a small step back.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He shouted. "You take off, worry all of us half to death and we find you here, crying and now you want us to leave you alone? What is your deal, Memphis?"

"None of your business-"

"It is my business! I'm your fucking brother; it's my business when something hurts you…just as much as it is Brian's business-"

"We're here for you, Mems," Brian spoke up, standing up to walk towards her, standing next to Matt. "We love you-I love you, and I'm always here. Just talk to us, please?"

She stared back at him for a few moments, her eyes welling with tears again before she started shaking her head and backing away.

"I-I can't…"

"Yes, you can." Matt said sternly. "And you will."

"No, no, no…" She chanted, putting her hands to her head and bending at the waist.

"Oh my God." Corie whispered, standing up to take my hand and Jimmy wrapped his arms around both of us, as if he was dreading what was about to happen, too.

"Tell us what happened." Matt demanded at the same time that Brian said her name quietly.

"Baby, please…"

But he stopped talking as she made a noise, sounding like a sob and a scream before she shouted, "I was raped!"

That was it.

That one statement made us all freeze, staring in shock at her. No one spoke; no one moved; I don’t even think we breathed until she stood up again and started to speak.

"Is that what you wanted?" She sniffed and looked at everyone defiantly. "Are you happy now, knowing the truth? I was raped." She said again, holding her arms wide before crossing them over her stomach.

Matt was the first to speak, but his voice was choked and I knew that he was crying.

"When?"

"When I was in boot camp." She said matter-of-factly. "I'd only been there a few weeks, and…"

"What happened?"

Zacky came over to stand with us, pulling Corie into his arms as she was crying, sobbing, and clung to his chest. Jimmy pulled me tighter into his arms, my back to his chest, leaning down to rest his forehead on the top of my head. He was crying, too. Everyone was.

Memphis looked out at the lake and huffed. "You know…I don’t even remember how it started. I tried to block it out…everything's just a blur. But one of them convinced me to go for a walk with him…he was really nice, always talked to me, made me feel like I could do what I needed to do, you know? I trusted him." She blew out a breath. "So I went with him that night, even though I was supposed to be in my bunk, asleep. I snuck out with him, out to the woods, where he said he had a camp set up just for us."

I closed my eyes, almost being able to picture in my mind what she was saying.

"But it wasn't just us; he had a friend there, a guy that I didn't like, or really know…I stayed for a while, but I was uncomfortable. But when I tried to leave, they…grabbed me. Pushed me around for a bit, tied me down…and cut off all my clothes…"

"Fuck." Brian ground out, hands clasped behind his head.

"And then the one, the first guy, he…he…" She fought for words, tears pouring unchecked down her cheeks. "He r-raped me…and then Andrew-"

"Andrew?" Matt questioned in shock. "He was one of them?"

"No. No, no, he….Andrew, he…stopped them. The other guy was about to, but…Andrew came and he saved me. He stopped it, and took me back to camp. He helped me, more than you could ever know or understand."

There was silence; uncomfortable, tense, silence, before Brian took a step forward and tried to reach out to her.

"Baby…"

"Don't." She choked, stepping away. "Don't touch me. I don't deserve it."

"Memphis…"

And then she was gone, turning and running up the path and towards one of the cabins. Brian followed right after her, calling her name again and again before disappearing inside the cabin she had just entered.

I watched with blurry eyes as Matt followed after them, but slower, and decided it was time for me to go inside.

“Come on, baby-girl.” Jimmy said softly to me, squeezing my shoulders. “Let’s get you inside.”

I let Jimmy lead me into the other, larger cabin, his girlfriend following on the other side of him. She kept looking at me but I couldn’t say anything to her. I was too...shocked to say much of anything, to anyone.

Johnny and the girl he brought were right behind us. Corie must have still been outside with Zacky.

Jimmy lead the rest of us into the kitchen and sat me down at the table before taking the chair adjacent to me, keeping one of my hands in his and resting them on the table. His girlfriend sat on the other side of him, leaning into his side and Johnny sat down across from me, his girlfriend settling down in his lap.

“I can’t even believe it.” Johnny muttered with a sad shake of his head and the girl wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “I can’t fucking believe that happened to her.”

“I know.” Jimmy sighed.

I rubbed my stinging eyes, trying to stop myself from crying again.

“You okay, Lyndsers?” Johnny asked and I nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m just…” I shook my head, stopping my own sentence before forcing a smile at the two girls, who were watching me with sympathy. “You guys must think we’re so dramatic.”

The girl sitting on Johnny shook her head and smiled at me, the ring through her septum catching the light and shining. “No. All families have their moments. I’m Katie, by the way.”

I smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

“And I’m Josceline.” The one beside Jimmy introduced and I smiled at her, too.

“Lyndsey, you should eat something.” Johnny said suddenly, frowning at me. “It’s been quite a day for you.”

“Yeah, and I still owe you a sandwich.” Jimmy announced with a wink.

I chuckled half-heartedly. “I thought you said you were never making me a sandwich again?”

“Ah.” He shrugged. “I was just being a jackass. I’ll make you one, whenever you want.”

“He makes the best sandwiches.” Josceline added, making us all laugh.

“Thanks for the offer, but I’m not really hungry.”

I knew that I should eat; I hadn’t eaten anything all day, but I just couldn’t. There had been too much happening, I didn’t think I could handle it and if I started getting sick…that would be just one more thing to add to Matt’s stress, not to mention everyone else’s.

“Lyndsey, you should eat.” Jimmy scolded gently.

“I’ll make you whatever you want.” Johnny offered and I shook my head as I stood up.

“Thanks, boys, but I really just want to go lay down or something. But maybe tomorrow.”

“Okay. Matt put your stuff in the first room on the left, upstairs.” Johnny informed me and I patted his shoulder before making my way up the stairs.

I went into the bedroom and closed the door, not even bothering to pull back the covers before lying down.

No less than five minutes later, the bedroom door opened and Matt came in.

“Hey.” I said softly, sitting up as he sat on the bed in front of me.

“Hi.” He took my hand and started playing with my fingers. “The guys said you came up here. You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I just needed to be alone for a while. Are you okay?”

He looked down at our linked hands and shrugged.

I sighed and squeezed his fingers. “How’s Memphis?”

“She’s…crying.” He said simply.

“Matt, you should go be with her.” I said and he looked up at me blankly. “She probably needs her big brother right now.”

He sighed loudly and kissed my forehead before getting up to walk to the door. I thought he was going to leave, and was surprised when he closed the bedroom door, turned the lock and made his way back to me.

“What-“

“Memphis doesn’t need me with her, she has Brian, and she’ll be okay.” He explained as he crawled onto the bed again, sitting closely in front of me. He leaned forward until our faces were mere inches apart, and his eyes roamed all over my face as he lifted his hand to push some hair behind my ear. “And I need to be with you right now.”

I smiled softly and kissed him lightly and lovingly before scooting my body closer to his so that I could hug him. He sighed again, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me impossibly close, his face pressed into my hair.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured. “I know I’ve said it a thousand times, and I know you’ve told me to stop it, but I have to say it again.”

“I know. And it’s okay, there’s nothing to be sorry for. Yes, I wish you would have told me sooner, but…it’s in the past, and now we have to move on from it, and learn from our mistakes.” I paused and kissed his shoulder before resting my chin down on it again. “As long as we trust each other, and are there for each other, we’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Lynds.” He whispered. “That’s all I could think...after you left, I kept wondering, thinking what I was going to do if I lost you. I’d be lost without you, baby, I really don’t know what I would do.”

“And you won’t ever have to find out, because I’m not going anywhere.” I promised, pulling away to cup his face within my hands, stroking my thumbs beneath his eyes. “I love you.”

A ghost of a smile spread across his lips and he kissed me hard, keeping his lips pressed to mine as he said, “I love you too, baby. So much.”

I pulled away and tucked some more hair behind my ears, baring my face to his gaze as I looked down at my lap.

“I went to Val’s.” I said quietly.

“What?”

“After I left, I ran out of gas after driving around for hours…and I ended up at Val’s.” I explained, not looking at him. “I thought at first I would just go in to use her phone, call one of the girls, because I had left my phone at Brian’s…but then we started talking about what had happened and she explained everything to me.”

“She did?” He sounded shocked and I nodded, finally making eye contact with him.

“She told me everything and I understand now why you never told me…I just wish I would have given you the chance to explain it yourself.” I smiled sadly at him and looked away again when tears filled my eyes.

“Don’t.” He said briskly, but gently, cupping my chin to bring my gaze back to his. "Don't feel bad, Lynds. I don't blame you for acting the way that you did, and there's nothing to apologize for."

"But if I-"

He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose before saying, "Why don't you take your own advice, huh?"

I smiled and rolled my eyes at him before kissing him again, letting my tongue slide across his bottom lip. He groaned into my mouth and ran his fingers through my hair, tugging my head back a little as he laid me back on the bed, hovering over me with his mouth pressed hard on mine.

"Think those fuckers will mind if we have a little make-up nookie?" He murmured against my lips and I started laughing.

"Make-up nookie? Where did you get that from?"

He shrugged and lightly ran fingers up and down my sides, knowing that it tickled me.

"Matt, stop." I tried not to giggle as I squirmed beneath him, making him groan.

He kissed me again, and I rolled Matt over so that I could be on top but he kept going, not wanting to give up control, and we rolled right off the bed.

"Shit!" He shouted as I squealed, grabbing onto his shoulders as we hit the floor.

Matt fell on his back and I landed hard on top of him, laughing as he groaned.

"Oh…fuck…I think I'm broken…" He gasped, blinking up at the ceiling and I started laughing harder, causing him to glare at me playfully. "Think that's funny, do you?"

I stopped laughing for a moment, but it burst out of me uncontrollably as I laughed. He narrowed his eyes and flipped me over as he growled, "We'll see how funny you think it is now."

And that's when I knew that everything was going to be okay.