Something Better

Maybe if I close my eyes he’ll go away. Yeah, and then I can go back to talking to Nick about how nobody can find out. This is all a figment of my imagination. I’m just being pensive.

So, I blinked. And much to my dismay, he was still in the doorway. Man… I was really hoping my mind was just playing tricks on me.

Joe started to walk towards us with that same look in his face. Ugh, he had to show up now? The one time I actually didn’t need him and he’s here. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

He finally reached us and looked at me, then at his brother, then back at me. He went back and forth like that for a while.

“Joe, listen…” I started, not able to find my words. Joe’s eyes landed on me. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’m listening.”

I decided to just lay it on him then and there. No holding back. I mean, I’m not going to be mean about it, but he doesn’t deserve a full apology. He hasn’t exactly been the one to do what Nick just did in a while.

“Nick and I kissed.” I said calmly. Joe’s eyes widened and more hurt than anger overcame his emotions.

Should I be sorry?

Of course not! Are you not remembering what he’s done to you?

Yea but, no one deserves to be hurt like that.

Well he does!

Stop that! Don’t be mean. He’s only human like the rest of us.

Are you kidding me? He’s the farthest thing from human. He’s like an alien from planet X, and ogre from far away lands. He’s anything but human!

Ugh… do you realize how annoying you are?

Yes I do, thank you very much.

“What?” Joe breathed. Nick looked at me as if I just robbed the government’s bank or something. What?! Don’t judge me just because I believe in discipline.

“I came over here with Kristen and she went upstairs with Kevin. You weren’t here, so it seems that you never are, so I found comfort in Nick. And it lead to kissing.”

“Alyssa!” Nick yelled at me.

“What?!” I screamed with a frustrated look on my face.

“How could you guys do that? Nick, I’m your brother. You’re my own family and blood. And Alyssa,” He raised his voice when he turned his attention to me, “I thought you loved me! I thought you were pregnant with my child, not Nicks!”

I got up from the stool I was currently sitting on and stood in front of Joe. Looking up at him I said, “Yeah, well you haven’t exactly been there for the baby and I, have you?”

“Alyssa, stop it. It isn’t Joe’s fault.” Nick said.

I kept my gaze on Joe. “How could it not be your fault?! You never call! You never text! You never come to see me! You don’t even care whether or not I have this baby. God, Joe I thought we already went through this! We already had a huge fight about you doing this. Exactly this. Well then, I wonder why we’re fighting over the same subject again. Oh yeah, that’s because you never changed! You never bothered to at least try to get in touch with me once in a while! What am I supposed to do when I have no one else around to comfort me? Answer that, Joe. What am I supposed to do?” I put my hands on my hips and stood there, glaring up at him.

From the corner of my eye I could see Nick get down from his stool and try to sneak around Joe and I.

“Don’t you move!” Joe yelled at Nick. He stopped in his tracks and cringed. Yeah, can’t get away that easily buddy!

Nick slowly turned around and looked at us. He just stood there. Then Joe turned back towards me and got in my face.

“Well that doesn’t mean that you can go and start making out with my brother!”

I cut him off before he could go any further. “We weren’t making out you retard!”

“What. Ever! You still kissed him! How could you do that to me? And don’t cal me a retard!” We were so close now that our noses were almost touching. You could just imagine how bad that was for our eardrums.

“How was I not supposed to kiss him? You’re never there for me to kiss! You can’t hold me whenever I’m feeling down! Nick can, though! How do you think that makes me feel? And I can call you whatever I want!”

“It doesn’t matter-“

“Excuse me?” I interrupted him again. It was quiet for a moment.

“It doesn’t matter?” I softened my gaze and my voice was low. That one hurt.

“It doesn’t matter that you left me all alone? It doesn’t matter that you didn’t try to stay in touch with me? It doesn’t matter that you broke your promise? Do I not matter to you then? Huh?!” I raised my voice at the end. Tears were threatening to fall.

Joe’s gaze softened too. He back his face away a little and just looked at me. He didn’t answer.

“Answer me Joe.” I said in a soft voice. “Do I matter to you?”

“No, no, no. Alyssa, that’s not why I haven’t been around. It’s just… I wish I could tell you, I really do, but I can’t right now.” He looked at me with love in his eyes. Do you know how confusing boys are? I should just give up and become a lesbian.

No! Not really! I was just kidding! Don’t think I’m really lesbian or anything!

“Why can’t you tell me, Joe? Why? I’m your fucking pregnant girlfriend for crying out loud! Why is there anything that you would hide from me?” My voice started rising again.

“Because… uh… you just have to trust me baby. You have to trust that I would never do anything to hurt you. I never, in my wildest dreams, would even want to hurt you. So please, you just have to trust me.”

There was so much love filled in his gaze, I can’t even find the words to explain it. I don’t think there are even words to describe this kind of feeling. But it made me want to forget about this whole fight and spend the rest of the day with him. Unfortunately, this is reality. He probably won’t even be here for the whole day. After this, he’ll probably have to go somewhere else and then I’ll just have to ‘trust’ him. Idon’t want can’t be left in the dust again.

“Joe…” Once again I was at a loss for words. “How long is this going to go on? You can’t just keep leaving me in the dust all the time to fend for myself. Yes, I still have Nick and Kevin as brothers, but it’s just not the same as having your boyfriend around. The one you love and adore to hold in their arms. Joe, you can’t keep putting me through this.”

“I won’t. I promise. I promise it’ll all be over before you know it. It actually is almost over. I just have to do one or two other things and then it’s done. I’m all yours.” He smiled sympathetically at me.

But I didn’t return it.

“I’m sorry Joe, but this is just too much for me to handle. One minute you say you love me and then the next you’d rather be off doing whatever the hell it is you’re doing than be with me. I can’t. My heart can’t take it any longer.” This time, I didn’t bother holding back the tears. Joe’s smile faded.

“Wait, Alyssa please. I promise this will-“

I cut him off. “You always say that, though! You always promise and then end up breaking it! I realize what I did to you was wrong and there’s absolutely no explanation for it, but I’m not just some play toy! I have feelings too! And I’m tired of letting those feelings get the best of me.”

“What are you trying to say?” He asked hesitantly.

“I’m saying that I think we should take a break.” I swear, that’s the first time I actually saw Joe start to sob right in front of me.