Something Better

Alyssa’s P.O.V.

We sat there in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. It has been a long time since we were able to do this, so we both wanted to take in the moment. And boy, did I miss this feeling. I feel so complete when I’m in his arms. Ever since I broke up with him, I just figured it was my sense of loneliness that triggered me into feeling empty. But it wasn’t… Even if I did find another guy, they still wouldn’t be able t fill the gap that opened when I left Joe.

I cringed at that thought. I would never be able to think about any other guy that way for as long as I live. I’m glad I never tried to get someone else. I would have only set myself up for more heartbreak.

Ugh, I just can’t even begin to explain the happiness that’s radiating off of me right now! I feel so happy and complete for once! It’s all so strange to me now; so unfamiliar because I haven’t felt this way in so long. I guess my body just got used to the pain that I used to feel, that it actually became numb. There was no more feeling… just a numbness that left me with nothing. But now that I’ve finally got what I missed, I’m never going to let go of this. Ever. I like the feeling of someone holding me in their arms. I like the feeling when someone tells me that they love me. More precisely, I like it when Joe tells me that he loves me. It gives me a sensation that flows throughout my entire body. Almost as if I’ll never need another blanket again as long as I have Joe with me.

Just then, a doctor floated into the room, looking flawless if I might say. He had blond hair that was slightly swept to the back with a comb and the slightest bit of jell. It actually looked almost fake, as if it were a Barbie doll’s hair or something. He had this natural brightness to him… it actually was starting to scare me. His face brightened even more once he saw me.

“Oh, good afternoon Alyssa! It’s good to see that you’re awake!” He said. His voice sounded like God was talking to me or something… it was perfect.

I smiled as brightly as I could, so he wouldn’t notice how much he was frightening me. “Good afternoon.”

He turned around for a few seconds to put a clipboard that he was holding on the counter that was set up across the room in the right hand corner. Then he turned back towards me and Joe with a serious look on his face. “Did this man here wake you up, Alyssa?” He pointed towards Joe.

What was that supposed to mean?

“Um… No? I’m pretty sure that if anyone woke me up I would cave their face in?” I said, letting my voice rise up on the last words, almost as if it were a question. I was just so stunned that he would ask a question like that.

I felt Joe move slightly beside me, as if he was silently laughing. I, on the other hand, didn’t think it was even a little bit funny. I thought that it was very rude.

A smile lit up on the doctor’s face. “Okay good. I’m Dr. Litzie, by the way.” He extended his hand out towards me to shake. I looked at his hand for a little while before I finally took it. He shook my hand and then went back over towards the other side of the room to take a look at his clipboard.

I took this chance to look at Joe and gave him a confused expression. He looked at me and just shrugged his shoulders, then turned to look at Dr. Litzie.

I took this other chance to get a good look at Joe’s profile. Goodness, this child was adorable. His nose was perfectly straight, and slightly flat at the very end, almost making it a button nose. His lips were very full and pink; looking very kissable. His hair swept over the one eye that was on my side, slightly hiding it. It made his face look cute and manly at the same time.

It also looked like he hadn’t cut his hair in a little while, making it look like he just got out of bed. He usually straightens it… Then again he’s been here with me for about three days. Why wouldn’t it look like he just came from Loony Ville?

It didn’t matter t me how messed up he looked. He was with me, holding me as if I was some precious gemstone to him. As long as he is with me, that’s all that really matters. And plus, it reminds me of the first time we had sex. The way his hair looked when we were done, all crazy looking and poking up in different places. But I didn’t care. I had just given my whole self to him, and nothing else mattered.

I heard my name being called, so I turned to look at the stupid doctor who had interrupted my happy thought, for the second time today. It took all of my strength not to glare at the guy. “We have the results of the baby.” He said.

Oh no, here come the tears again. For once in a really lone time, I was finally happy again. I thought I could forget all the bad things in life and just think about Joe and I. But then again… how could I forget my baby? The part of y heart that didn’t belong to Joe, (which was pretty much impossible, since he held like, all of it.) my child took it with her. The pain is all coming back…

Quiet tears fell down my cheeks as I kept looking at Dr. Litzie, waiting for the results. Through all the brightness radiating off of his face, I could also see some sympathy there surprisingly. He’s so fucking happy all the time it makes me want to shoot him.

I felt Joe’s arms tighten around me and then put his right check on my head. I didn’t realize it until now, but I was actually shaking.

“Alyssa, around the time you blacked out, were you under any kind of stress?” Dr. Litzie asked me calmly.
“Yes.” I squeaked out. I’m surprised I even got any kind of sound out.

“Ah, okay. Now I see.” He grabbed the clipboard off of the counter behind him and wrote something down. I was about to speak, but Joe beat me to it.

“What happened?” He demanded with no emotion in his voice whatsoever. I suddenly felt a lot better with him near me. I felt protected. Joe was here to protect me, even if it was just from the results from the baby. That, alone, could crush me into tiny bits.

As soon as the doctor looked up from his clipboard, I braced myself. He looked a little pensive at first, as if he was debating on weather or not he should tell me. OF COURSE he would tell me, because if he didn’t he wouldn’t have a head anymore, but he just looked like he was pondering on how to break the awful news to me. I could understand why.

He took a deep breath before he started and I could feel Joe tense up beside me, also bracing himself for the answer we both did not want to hear. “Well, the baby was not properly growing their heart. The heart was just a little too small for the normal size that a baby her age should be. It could have been born fine and the doctors would have found a way to hook the baby up to a machine to et her heart properly grow until she was able to live without the machine. But since you just happened to be under a lot of stress at the moment, your child went into premature labor. That is why you blacked out. The baby’s heart wasn’t strong enough to handle all of the stress, so it just went into early labor. While you were still knocked out, we took the baby out of you, but it already too late to do anything for it. The baby was born dead.”

Dead. My baby was born dead. Because of me and my stupid hormones, my baby died of premature labor. It’s my entire fault. I’m a murderer.

I broke down right there. In Joe’s arms. In front of the doctor. I cried with all my might; shaking and weeping and screaming my lungs out. My child was dead because of me. I didn’t know enough to control my emotions so I could keep my baby safe. I was too damn stubborn to even think about the consequences. And look what happened because of it… My child is dead. It could have been born perfectly fine and the doctors could have done something about her heart, but no. I had to go and ruin everything with my fucking hormones.

I could tell Joe was trying to comfort me. I heard him mumbling things in my ear, while his tears also fell on my face. He stroked my hair and rocked me back and forth. I felt it all… but the problem was that I didn’t want to feel anymore. I was tired of me and my selfish deeds. I was angry at myself, more distraught then ever. I wanted to end my life. I didn’t deserve to live any longer. I was a killer now. I’m surprised that Joe’s not disgusted with me and pushing me away right now. I would if I were him.

I tried pushing Joe away as I started taking all the needles out of my body. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to end this quickly and painless, even though I do deserve to suffer. I think I already suffered enough, though. Plus the fact that I’m going to go to hell for killing myself and the baby.

“Alyssa, what the hell are you doing?! Stop that! Put those back in!” Joe was trying to grab my arms and yell at me at the same time.

“No! I want this over!” I yelled. I’m sure he understood what I was talking about, because the next thing I knew he had pushed me back down on the bed and held my arms up above my head. I tried squirming under him, but it was basically no use. I’m still weak from the surgery, and Joe’s way stronger than me to begin with. I was screwed either way.

He had an angry, determined, and sad look on his face. His cheeks were stained from when he was crying. “Let me go!” I yelled in his face. Once again, I tried to get myself out from under him. I don’t even know why I bothered trying…

“No. I’m not letting you go. I’ll never let you go Alyssa, for as long as I live. You need to understand that. I just lost the baby. I can’t lose you, too.” His voice broke off at the end. It seemed as if he was about to start crying again.

He still loved me? Even after finding out that it was my fault that the baby was dead? He still can’t live without me? I stopped squirming and looked him in the eye. “Why don’t you hate me right now?” I asked him more quietly this time.

A confused look replaced the angry look on his face. “Wh- Why would I hate you? Alyssa, you did nothing wrong. Why in the world would I hate you?” He asked, bewildered.

Does he honestly not get it?

More tears came to my eyes. “Joe, I killed the baby. I killed our baby. I’m the reason it’s dead. I couldn’t keep control of my stupid hormones. I let myself get stressed out knowing that something could go wrong with the baby. I’m such a moron.” I turned y face to the side and just cried. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I felt ashamed in his presence. He didn’t deserve someone like me. He didn’t deserve a killer for a girlfriend.

I felt Joe come closer to my face and he released one of my arms. “Shh… Alyssa, no. It’s not your fault. The baby already had a weak heart. Didn’t you hear the doctor? Even if you hadn’t gotten all stressed out, the baby still would have been born with heart problems.” He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand and kept kissing my forehead over and over again.

“But if I hadn’t gotten stressed out, they would have been able to do something to keep the baby alive. Because of me, they can’t do anything.” I cried harder as the shakes returned to my body.

“Alyssa, no.” Joe said, more stern this time. It is not your fault. Stop making yourself believe that. You made a simple mistake, Alyssa. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. Things happen like this all the time.” Joe brought my face back to look at him and he put his forehead against mine. “Please don’t think that this is your fault, Alyssa. Nothing is your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong.” He kissed my nose a few times and then placed his forehead back against mine.

The shaking started to subside, but silent tears kept streaming down my face. “I love you baby.” Joe said. “I love you so much. Nothing you do can ever change that. Do you understand?”

I opened my eyes to look at Joe’s red, puffy ones. How can I stay mad at myself when he tells me things like that? Ugh… I hate Joe for making me love him so much. Otherwise I could care less about how he felt when I was gone.

“I love you too, Joe.” He smiled a genuinely happy smile, and kissed me. It was a short kiss, but it was filled with love, passion, sadness, and faith. The love between us will never end. The passion we have for each other will never fade out. The sadness from our loss is terrible and very difficult to get over, but if we both have faith in each other, we can get through it all.