Gunslinger

Dying thoughts of an athiest.

Love that song.

Never thought I'd actually be thinking about it my last few minutes on earth. My thoughts are really boring.

This hospital room is too white. Too much white is nausating. I happen to look at my mom, tears running down her eyes. She's probably thinking she can't wait to get that insurance money. Stepdad is in the corner looking out of place. Why is he even here? I hate him. But if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have met the angel that's sitting next to me, holding my hand.

She's the most beautiful person in the world. It brings tears to my eyes. Oh now she thinks I'm crying. She starts to cry and I wipe her tears away, shaking my head. It kills me when she cries, no pun intended.

I hate that I'm dying. My mom says I'm going to be in a better place and that I'm going to be with my grandma who died a few months previous. I shake my head and smile. There just cannot be a god. If there is, he's sick and evil and fucking twisted. I've lost so many people and now I'm going to leave the most important one.

I used to promise her all the time, before I knew I was infected with this incurable cancer, I would always be with her. That she was the most important person and that nothing or no one could make me leave.

If he is real, he made me lie and break promises. What kind of person with a heart does that to someone? Maybe, if he is real, he's punishing me.

I would punish me too. I mean, after all, I am gay. Well technically bi I guess, but if I'm dying married to her, I'm gay.

And dying. Holy shit. I don't want to die. If I didn't have her, I wouldn't care. Holy shit. What is she going to do?

Thank God I'm debt free and our house and cars are paid off all thanks to my lavishly rich aunt.

I wonder if she will find someone else to be with and marry them. I sure hope so. She doesn't deserve to be alone and any goddamn person would be lucky to be with her..or just fucking know her.

I don't know. I just feel like having a filthy mouth at the moment.

I'm dying, remember?

I remember the first time we met. I was at the movies with some friends. We ran into the little freshman and they already knew her.

I didn't really talk to her much after that except on myspace and we'd wave if we say each other at the movies or at school.

June 1st, four months later, we started going out. We fell in love. We got married. We want to adopt. We had a dog.

My dog. I'm going to miss her. She was all I had when I moved away from my love a few years back. I'm going to miss her.

Anyways, we had been together for years. We went through so much shit. We through it together.

Together.

I'm going to miss her so much.

I close my eyes and I hear her sob. Her crying hurts more than any pain I'm feeling right now.

I feel her hands grip tighter and her faintly yelling my name.

I feel her kiss my lips and whisper I love you.

I say it back and I'm happy that I was with her. That I was lucky enough to have been with her.

I was lucky that she loved me and I will love her forever.