Disorder

Mikey pulled the curtain back, expecting to see a downpour of rain considering thunders was shaking the house and the electricity was out.

What he did not expect was to see Gerard standing in the middle of the street, staring up at the dark sky, letting the rain strike his face and gracefully drip off his picturesque features.

Puzzled, Mikey tilted his head and frowned, wondering what in the world Gerard was doing standing in the rain like that. Lately, Gerard had been acting a little weird - stuttering a lot, avoiding people, falling asleep straight away on the tour van. At first, it seemed natural; he was detoxifying. Change was to be expected when you’re trying to reconstruct your life.

But what Mikey was really puzzled about was that no one else seemed to realize how anomalous Gerard was acting. They all said that he was the same as ever, if anything, more normal. They applauded his deeds and gave him rewards if he went a month without sneaking some beer.

And Gerard took the rewards, like a dog humbled to his owner. It was clear that Gerard craved the attention, he needed to be told that he was doing well and he wanted the treats - usually some fake beer like Doules to keep him satiated for a few hours.

Although Gerard was acting quite differently than he usually had been, Mikey refused to believe that it was the renewed pills giving him the altered effect. Those pills were simply there to keep Gerard from having more panic attacks. Mikey monitored them and kept the bottles locked in a cabinet, while the key was always in his pocket.

The rain started to let up as the clouds continued their journey. Gerard, however, remained in the middle of the street, gazing blankly at the clearing sky and not moving when an old woman in an even older car screamed at him to move his freak-ass in a heavy accent.

Mikey sighed and went out to grab him. He apologized to the elder, putting on a smile that he hoped wasn’t patronizing and pulled Gerard out of the street. “What the hell were you doing?”

“Have you ever realized how pretty rain is? I mean, it smells so good and it makes everything hazy.” Gerard said vaguely, allowing himself to be sat down on the porch.

“I guess. But why were you standing in the road?” Mikey asked, trying to brush off some water droplets that clung to Gerard’s jacket.

“I couldn’t see the top of the house from the sidewalk.” Gerard said, as if it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh, right.” Mikey snorted and watched as more clouds started moving towards the neighborhood. Could they maybe get some good weather during their break from touring? “Why do you want to see the house?”

“So I would be able to tell myself that it can be beautiful. That it isn’t just some hell hole with austere memories, cigarettes and blood. I thought that if I saw it in the rain, it would look pretty. Kind of like you - the rest of the world does when it rains.” Gerard changed his words quickly.

Mikey hid his shock at blood, and claimed oblivion to Gerard’s intent staring. “And I’m guessing that things didn’t go as planned?”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “No. What time is it - almost time for my next pill.” He held onto Mikey’s wrist after twisting it to see the digital watch. Absentmindedly, he scratched the pale skin covering the veins. “I miss….” He trailed off.

The younger waited for Gerard to continue, but he never did. Mikey took the unresponsive look on Gerard face to be the closing of subject, so he tried to get his wrist back. “We’ve got practice in an hour. Will you be ready?” Mikey sighed and sat back down. Gerard let go of his wrist and replaced it with his hand.

“I’m really confused right now. It’s like I can’t make up my mind. I wrote Demolition Lovers, sent it to her and she hasn’t so much as called me. I’m regretting writing it in the first place, you know? But… while I regret writing it, I want her to know that I’ll love her always. She was the first one to make me believe that I could be a good person. That I wasn’t just some wastoid who hurt other people for my own damn amusement. If she doesn’t want to forgive me though, I guess it’s okay. I don’t need anyone besides you, Mikey.” Gerard said, keeping his voice low and true.

An uneasy air surrounded Mikey and Gerard - but only the former seemed to notice it. Gerard kept on holding onto his brother’s wrist, while Mikey tried to ignore the feeling of unsettlement creeping up and down his spine.

As used as Mikey was to Gerard showing compassion to him, he didn’t like the idea of Gerard depending on him. It showed that Gerard was indeed changing, and that scared Mikey. All of his life, Gee had been what the ideal older brother was: protective, strong, good-looking and caring. And now… well, now Gerard was leaning on Mikey as if he was the older brother to depend on. Mikey didn’t want to lose his protector, as selfish as that sounded. He didn’t want to have to lose the only thing he thought would always be the same. Especially with all the change in the atmosphere with the band and their steady rise in status.

Then, there was the intuition in the back of Mikey’s mind that their relationship had already changed. That it was headed towards dark roads with death littering the gutters, taunting them to take another step, another risk. He couldn’t help but blame it on Gerard’s last panic attack a couple months ago…

Finally, Gerard noticed Mikey’s disquiet and let go of him, “What would you do if I ran inside, stole your bass, and offered it to the rain gods?” He teased lightly, jumping and creeping towards the door, smirking at Mikey over his shoulder. During his smirk, he allowed himself to watch his little brother switch into a light-hearted mood and cock his head to the side, playfully.

Glad for a change of subject and mood, Mikey grinned back and retorted, “The same if I took your notebook of lyrics and shoved them in the coffee pot, making an offering to the coffee lords.”

Gerard pretended to look aghast, “How selfish!”

You’ve no idea, Mikey thought and playfully shoved Gerard, earning a shove back. Soon, they were chasing each other in the rain soaked streets, shrieking with laughter, as though they were 10 years-old again. Gerard tripped over his own feet and Mikey launched himself on top of him, sitting on his brother’s back with the air of a king on his throne. “I always win.” He goaded.

Gerard wouldn’t have it, he bucked Mikey off and grabbed his calf, dragging him down on the wet grass. Mikey landed on top of Gerard and laughed when he starting being tickled. After some time of being attacked by Gerard’s fingers, Mikey lay to the side of Gerard, gasping from laughing so hard.

“This is going to sound corny, but I don’t give a fuck. Whenever I’m around you… it’s like I can be myself. I never have to worry about maintaining power or hiding my feelings - it’s just me; raw and uncensored. Around you, I’ve found my place in the world.” Gerard sat up and watched Mikey’s face, almost unable to believe that he was seriously finally telling Mikey this.

Mikey on the other hand, couldn’t believe what Gerard was saying. “What do you mean?” He whispered.

By the tone in Mikey’s voice, Gerard knew that he didn’t, maybe even couldn’t understand. “Mikey, you’re the only person who makes me think I’m remotely human. Without you… I think all the monsters that I’ve been will bond together and take me over. You keep me sane, Mikes. I… I love you.”

Still confused, Mikey scrunched his face up, “Well, I love you too, Gee.” He muttered.

“No! I don’t think you understand… Mikey-,” Gerard took Mikey’s hands in his own and looked him in the eyes, careful not to include any kind of manipulation. “- I. Love. You. More than… more than just a brother.”

Mikey stood up quickly, wrenching his hands out of Gerard’s. He turned away and started to breathe a little heavily. “I still don’t understand,” he whispered.

“I don’t know how to make it clearer. I want to be with you.” Gerard stood up and placed a hand on Mikey’s shoulder. His chest felt constricted, almost like an oncoming panic attack. But this was too… anguished to be a panic attack. No, Gerard knew that this was his heart, crumbling into bits of nothing and fading into the depths of a soulless world.

“We’re brothers.” Mikey said simply, shrugging Gerard’s hand off. Unlike Gerard, Mikey was just confused. He didn’t feel as if his heart was being ripped apart, but rather - his heart felt swollen. Mikey recognized that being with your brother in any sense, other than companionship, was very wrong. It would probably be frowned upon by the Big Guy up in the sky. There was no way to hide what he felt though…

“Does that matter?” Gerard prodded softly. It started drizzling lightly, but neither of them made any move to go inside. When Mikey didn’t respond for a few minutes, Gerard tried placing his hand on Mikey’s shoulder again.

“Don’t.” Mikey pushed him away and stepped back.

Gerard stepped away too. His breathing even, but his mind tortured. “I don’t know what I was talking about. You’re right. We’re brothers. I’m just being… silly. Uh, I should go get ready for band practice.” Gerard said swiftly and ran inside. He slammed the door to his room in the basement and fell onto his bed. His wet hair fanned out on the pillow and the rain drops mingling with tears.

Still outside, Mikey stood in the rain, much like Gerard just half-an-hour earlier. A roll of thunder illuminated the streets, darkened by the dense clouds blowing in for one hell of a storm.

***

Gerard avoided Mikey for the practice, talking with Frank for a while until the short one decided to live up to his name of “Championship Pot Smoker.”

Mikey did likewise. He avoided Gerard and talked with this guy named Brian from RiotSquad who either wanted to get in his pants or be their tour manager. He was a pretty decent guy with fairly interesting things to say… but Mikey couldn’t concentrate on what the manager was saying. You could say that he was confuzzled over Gerard’s speech today, but he was more indecisive than anything.

As stated before, Gerard has always been there for Mikey and Mikey has always been there for Gerard. It’s natural that they love each other, but Mikey didn’t know how natural it was for Gerard to say he loved-loved him. After all, they’re brothers.

And that was probably the only thing stopping Mikey from tackling Gerard as they got ready to play their new song titled Give ‘Em Hell, Kid.

The band practiced their set, parted their separate routes and left the Way’s to walk home.

Alone.

Together.

For several minutes, Gerard tried to convince Frank into giving him a ride home, but Frank just had to go tell his other band that he’s been cheating on them and officially wants to break Pencey Prep up.

So, Gerard was cursed with walking home, no doubt in an awkward silence and shunned glances.

“It’s written for you, you know.” Gerard muttered, walking a good couple of feet away from Mikey.

“What is?” Mikey asked.

“The new song. I wrote it for you.” Gerard nodded his head, black hair bouncing to the point of annoyance, so he nervously tucked it behind his ears.

Mikey feigned ignorant innocence, “Give ‘Em Hell, Kid?”

The older resisted rolling his eyes, “Yeah.”

“Oh. Well… thanks.” Mikey mumbled and averted his eyes from Gerard’s, who was surely watching him with great intent.

“I’m sorry.” Gerard whispered and started to lag behind, giving Mikey all the space that could be given.

But Mikey wouldn’t have it. “No, Gee. Walk with me.” He stopped and turned towards Gerard, looking into his guarded eyes.

“Are…are you sure?” asked Gerard, his turn to be confused. He stared back into Mikey’s eyes, almost like a mirror to his own.

“Yeah.” Mikey held his hand out and Gerard hesitantly took it, unsure of what his brothers intentions were. There would always be that chance this would be a cruel trick, a revenge scheme for all the years of misfortune that seemed to befall Mikey whenever Gerard was around. And his heart was still a bit tender, still bleeding from the knife Kat almost destroyed him with.

“I don’t care,” Mikey said, pulling Gerard closer to him, “if we’re brothers.”

With those words, Gerard allowed himself to be pulled into the smaller man’s chest, arms wrapping around his waist, and bodies pressing together into the most important embrace to ever be embedded into Gerard’s memory.

[[Comments = Eternal love and another update.]]