Disorder
Memory
**One week later**
After Gerard’s session with the nurse, that ended very much in Gerard’s favor, he spent the following week debating whether to call her or not. In fact, he was just trying to gather the courage to call Kat, but every conversation he put together in his mind seemed weak and Gerard was sure he would be shot down by her.
“Gee? Can you drive me to Franks?” Mikey appeared in the doorway. His sandy-blonde hair was arranged into careful disarray and Gerard smiled at his little brother’s attempt at looking more attractive. (A/N: As if he even needs to TRY)
“Not right now, baby brother. You have a license; why don’t you drive?” Gerard wondered, fingering the telephone in his hands. Never before had he had any doubt about a woman… but this girl was just impossible.
“I don’t want to drive the station wagon and I figured that you wouldn’t let me drive the Corvette,” Mikey leaned against the doorway. He studied Gerard. It wasn’t like him to pace around the room looking anxious. In fact, it wasn’t like Gerard to show any emotion besides boredom and irritation.
“I’ll tell you what, if you promise not to masturbate where I can hear you, then you can borrow the Corvette,” Gerard smirked at his Mikey. He reached to get the keys off his dresser with out looking, but retrieved the full bottle of Xanax. He replaced it, a flicker of hatred splaying across his face before he composed himself and resumed smirking at Mikey.
“You… can hear that?” Mikey asked, mortified and flushing dark red. He was going to lie, but he figured that Gerard would just see right through that. After all, Gerard is the master of doing such things.
“A better question would be who can’t hear that, Mikes,” Gerard was still smirking when he pressed the keys in Mikey’s hand. Although he kept his face free from any emotion besides mirth, there was something troubling in his eyes. Mikey, too embarrassed to notice, took the keys, muttered a thank you and left.
Gerard closed his bedroom door, threw the phone on his bed and looked at the pills. The pills that would suck the life out of him; make him vulnerable and absolutely weak. He didn’t want that… he wanted to stay strong and corrupt-full. He needed to maintain his posture. He grabbed the bottle of pills and shoved them down in his underwear/sock drawer. His hands met a squishy bag.
It was the bag of cocaine that he stole from that mini-van almost ## days ago. Gerard smiled at the memory of the glass shattering under his feet.
He took the cocaine and dumped a little on the nightstand. Using his hands, he carefully separated it into little rows. He dug around in his jean pocket for a dollar bill.
What are you about to do, Gerard? He asked himself, although he knew he would receive no reasonable answer. Make myself forget about my weakness… my flaw.
He snorted a line, then another. Deciding it was enough, he put away all the incriminating evidence and relaxed on his bed, waiting for the euphoria that he remembered experiencing in high school when he had tried it.
Finally, the coke took its effects, filling Gerard with a happiness that hadn’t existed since before his panic attack. He felt pretty damn invincible… what could go wrong? Nothing… absolutely nothing.
He could feel the air around him, feel the particles float around him and dodge his superior existence.
Why the fuck don’t I just call Kat up and command her to fuck me? After all, I am pretty damn attractive. Gerard thought, jumping up from the bed and preening in the mirror. She would have no reason to say no. And if she did, I’ll just talk her into it. It wont be hard. She’ll probably be easier than Eliza.
Gerard jumped on the bed, rolled over the phone and dialed Kat’s number. She picked up on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, It’s Gerard,” he was using such a ridiculously confident voice that Kat was very tempted to laugh.
“Hey, Gerard. What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she replied, giggling.
“Yeah, about that. What do you say about coming over here. We could… hang out,” Gerard offered. He paced frantically around the room.
“Sure, I think I would like that.”
“Good… come on over then.”
“Alright… where do you live?”
Kat, although a little weirded out by his tone, was ecstatic that Gerard finally called her back. She thought he was just going to forget about her and never think of her again. What relief she felt when she saw that “Gerisma” as he labeled himself on her cell-phonebook was calling her. She quickly applied some eyeliner and pulled on a nice outfit that emphasized her curves with out making her look like a slut.
Gerard told her the address and hung up the phone. He punched the air, his over-confidence was thrilling and he was truly excited for the first time since high school.
He was going to get laid.
Heh, heh… Laid. Gerard thought. He zoomed around the house, fixing things up quickly before she came.
About 20 minutes later, Kat still had not shown up and the high was beginning to wear off. Gerard felt like absolute shit. Kat wasn’t coming. She doesn’t like him.
She doesn’t like me. He thought, allowing himself to crash down on the couch in the living room. He rolled over on his side and huddled on the couch. Gerard tucked his head and rode out the depressing aftermath of the wonderful cocaine high.
She knows what I am. She thinks I’m a monster. Gerard rolled off the couch and crawled to the bathroom. He was still on his knees above the dirty linoleum floor. He groped in the medicine cabinet and pulled out a razor.
This is stupid. Gerard thought, hesitating before bringing the razor down on the pale flesh. He longed to see some blood, he wanted to cause someone pain. He needed to know that he wasn’t some insignificant bug that anyone could crush at any given moment.
“Gerard? Are you there?” Kat’s voice traveled down the stairs and swirled around Gerard’s head.
“Kat?” He called back in surprise. He wasn’t aware that she had let herself in the house, much less that she was here. He quickly shoved the razor back into the medicine cabinet and half-ran up the stairs.
“Yeah. I was knocking for, like, 5 minutes and no one opened. I got paranoid and just let myself in. Is that okay?” She smiled beautifully at Gerard, appearing from the basement.
“Yeah. Its just fine,” Gerard kissed her cheek and hugged her. He felt strangely complete with her crushed against his side. All the feelings of desolation and weakness disappeared as she hugged him back.
“So, what do you want to do?” Gerard asked. His usually intimidating voice was very normal and at first Kat was taken aback by his casual demeanor. Especially at the memory of the doctors office.
“I don’t know. What do you usually do?” Kat replied, picking up a glass figuring Gerard’s mom began collecting.
Gerard frowned, a cloud of paranoia rumbling above him. Was she here to be with him, or find out what was wrong with him? Did his mother send her here because of their episode last week? Was she still shaking from that? Gerard suppressed the laughter drawn from the image of his mother cowering in fear.
“Nothing of importance,” he shrugged. He still was using a casual voice, but it was a little guarded, as if he didn’t trust Kat at the moment. And he didn’t… not yet, anyway.
“Oh. Well, what’s fun to do in Jersey?” Kat set the figuring back on the table. She smiled at Gerard’s circumspect face, apparently not reading too much into it.
“Don’t you live here?” Gerard asked curiously. He loved watching this girl. Her every move fascinated him and her every facial expression went very noticed.
“Yeah, but I usually work or go to school… so I never have time to do anything fun anymore,” she shrugged and wandered over to the fancy black leather couches. No one ever sat on those couches except when there was a party and then Gerard’s parents lounged on them, as if they were so relaxed on them everyday.
“I’m working too. I haven’t been out in a long time,” Gerard sat down next to her on the couches. Well, not since people got smart and started avoiding me. Gerard thought grimly.
“Let’s go out to eat!” Kat suggested.
They went to a sushi place (Kat’s choice, not Gerard’s) and got to know each other. They covered everything from their dream car (Gerard already had his, and Kat wanted a black Audi) to the stresses of work and somehow even what would happen if they were to be abducted by peanut butter-grubbing aliens.
As the night drew to an end, Kat drove Gerard home in her little red Toyota. This was the first time in years that she could remember being so happy. It certainly wasn’t when she was with her stupid-ass ex boyfriend, Bert. She shuddered at the mere memory of his hands on her and his cruel words that had made her suicidal…
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Gerard asked softly. He had been watching Kat and saw the parade of emotions march themselves across her face.
“Nothing, Gee. I’m just really happy to be with you,” she replied honestly. She balanced the steering wheel with her knee and wiped a stray tear off her face.
“Its okay, Kat,” Gerard reached over and rubbed her forearm. She bit her lip and smiled at Gerard. How could anyone really be afraid of this man? He was so compassionate and he made her feel so…real.
After Gerard’s session with the nurse, that ended very much in Gerard’s favor, he spent the following week debating whether to call her or not. In fact, he was just trying to gather the courage to call Kat, but every conversation he put together in his mind seemed weak and Gerard was sure he would be shot down by her.
“Gee? Can you drive me to Franks?” Mikey appeared in the doorway. His sandy-blonde hair was arranged into careful disarray and Gerard smiled at his little brother’s attempt at looking more attractive. (A/N: As if he even needs to TRY)
“Not right now, baby brother. You have a license; why don’t you drive?” Gerard wondered, fingering the telephone in his hands. Never before had he had any doubt about a woman… but this girl was just impossible.
“I don’t want to drive the station wagon and I figured that you wouldn’t let me drive the Corvette,” Mikey leaned against the doorway. He studied Gerard. It wasn’t like him to pace around the room looking anxious. In fact, it wasn’t like Gerard to show any emotion besides boredom and irritation.
“I’ll tell you what, if you promise not to masturbate where I can hear you, then you can borrow the Corvette,” Gerard smirked at his Mikey. He reached to get the keys off his dresser with out looking, but retrieved the full bottle of Xanax. He replaced it, a flicker of hatred splaying across his face before he composed himself and resumed smirking at Mikey.
“You… can hear that?” Mikey asked, mortified and flushing dark red. He was going to lie, but he figured that Gerard would just see right through that. After all, Gerard is the master of doing such things.
“A better question would be who can’t hear that, Mikes,” Gerard was still smirking when he pressed the keys in Mikey’s hand. Although he kept his face free from any emotion besides mirth, there was something troubling in his eyes. Mikey, too embarrassed to notice, took the keys, muttered a thank you and left.
Gerard closed his bedroom door, threw the phone on his bed and looked at the pills. The pills that would suck the life out of him; make him vulnerable and absolutely weak. He didn’t want that… he wanted to stay strong and corrupt-full. He needed to maintain his posture. He grabbed the bottle of pills and shoved them down in his underwear/sock drawer. His hands met a squishy bag.
It was the bag of cocaine that he stole from that mini-van almost ## days ago. Gerard smiled at the memory of the glass shattering under his feet.
He took the cocaine and dumped a little on the nightstand. Using his hands, he carefully separated it into little rows. He dug around in his jean pocket for a dollar bill.
What are you about to do, Gerard? He asked himself, although he knew he would receive no reasonable answer. Make myself forget about my weakness… my flaw.
He snorted a line, then another. Deciding it was enough, he put away all the incriminating evidence and relaxed on his bed, waiting for the euphoria that he remembered experiencing in high school when he had tried it.
Finally, the coke took its effects, filling Gerard with a happiness that hadn’t existed since before his panic attack. He felt pretty damn invincible… what could go wrong? Nothing… absolutely nothing.
He could feel the air around him, feel the particles float around him and dodge his superior existence.
Why the fuck don’t I just call Kat up and command her to fuck me? After all, I am pretty damn attractive. Gerard thought, jumping up from the bed and preening in the mirror. She would have no reason to say no. And if she did, I’ll just talk her into it. It wont be hard. She’ll probably be easier than Eliza.
Gerard jumped on the bed, rolled over the phone and dialed Kat’s number. She picked up on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, It’s Gerard,” he was using such a ridiculously confident voice that Kat was very tempted to laugh.
“Hey, Gerard. What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she replied, giggling.
“Yeah, about that. What do you say about coming over here. We could… hang out,” Gerard offered. He paced frantically around the room.
“Sure, I think I would like that.”
“Good… come on over then.”
“Alright… where do you live?”
Kat, although a little weirded out by his tone, was ecstatic that Gerard finally called her back. She thought he was just going to forget about her and never think of her again. What relief she felt when she saw that “Gerisma” as he labeled himself on her cell-phonebook was calling her. She quickly applied some eyeliner and pulled on a nice outfit that emphasized her curves with out making her look like a slut.
Gerard told her the address and hung up the phone. He punched the air, his over-confidence was thrilling and he was truly excited for the first time since high school.
He was going to get laid.
Heh, heh… Laid. Gerard thought. He zoomed around the house, fixing things up quickly before she came.
About 20 minutes later, Kat still had not shown up and the high was beginning to wear off. Gerard felt like absolute shit. Kat wasn’t coming. She doesn’t like him.
She doesn’t like me. He thought, allowing himself to crash down on the couch in the living room. He rolled over on his side and huddled on the couch. Gerard tucked his head and rode out the depressing aftermath of the wonderful cocaine high.
She knows what I am. She thinks I’m a monster. Gerard rolled off the couch and crawled to the bathroom. He was still on his knees above the dirty linoleum floor. He groped in the medicine cabinet and pulled out a razor.
This is stupid. Gerard thought, hesitating before bringing the razor down on the pale flesh. He longed to see some blood, he wanted to cause someone pain. He needed to know that he wasn’t some insignificant bug that anyone could crush at any given moment.
“Gerard? Are you there?” Kat’s voice traveled down the stairs and swirled around Gerard’s head.
“Kat?” He called back in surprise. He wasn’t aware that she had let herself in the house, much less that she was here. He quickly shoved the razor back into the medicine cabinet and half-ran up the stairs.
“Yeah. I was knocking for, like, 5 minutes and no one opened. I got paranoid and just let myself in. Is that okay?” She smiled beautifully at Gerard, appearing from the basement.
“Yeah. Its just fine,” Gerard kissed her cheek and hugged her. He felt strangely complete with her crushed against his side. All the feelings of desolation and weakness disappeared as she hugged him back.
“So, what do you want to do?” Gerard asked. His usually intimidating voice was very normal and at first Kat was taken aback by his casual demeanor. Especially at the memory of the doctors office.
“I don’t know. What do you usually do?” Kat replied, picking up a glass figuring Gerard’s mom began collecting.
Gerard frowned, a cloud of paranoia rumbling above him. Was she here to be with him, or find out what was wrong with him? Did his mother send her here because of their episode last week? Was she still shaking from that? Gerard suppressed the laughter drawn from the image of his mother cowering in fear.
“Nothing of importance,” he shrugged. He still was using a casual voice, but it was a little guarded, as if he didn’t trust Kat at the moment. And he didn’t… not yet, anyway.
“Oh. Well, what’s fun to do in Jersey?” Kat set the figuring back on the table. She smiled at Gerard’s circumspect face, apparently not reading too much into it.
“Don’t you live here?” Gerard asked curiously. He loved watching this girl. Her every move fascinated him and her every facial expression went very noticed.
“Yeah, but I usually work or go to school… so I never have time to do anything fun anymore,” she shrugged and wandered over to the fancy black leather couches. No one ever sat on those couches except when there was a party and then Gerard’s parents lounged on them, as if they were so relaxed on them everyday.
“I’m working too. I haven’t been out in a long time,” Gerard sat down next to her on the couches. Well, not since people got smart and started avoiding me. Gerard thought grimly.
“Let’s go out to eat!” Kat suggested.
They went to a sushi place (Kat’s choice, not Gerard’s) and got to know each other. They covered everything from their dream car (Gerard already had his, and Kat wanted a black Audi) to the stresses of work and somehow even what would happen if they were to be abducted by peanut butter-grubbing aliens.
As the night drew to an end, Kat drove Gerard home in her little red Toyota. This was the first time in years that she could remember being so happy. It certainly wasn’t when she was with her stupid-ass ex boyfriend, Bert. She shuddered at the mere memory of his hands on her and his cruel words that had made her suicidal…
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Gerard asked softly. He had been watching Kat and saw the parade of emotions march themselves across her face.
“Nothing, Gee. I’m just really happy to be with you,” she replied honestly. She balanced the steering wheel with her knee and wiped a stray tear off her face.
“Its okay, Kat,” Gerard reached over and rubbed her forearm. She bit her lip and smiled at Gerard. How could anyone really be afraid of this man? He was so compassionate and he made her feel so…real.