Disorder

(Alright people, one of my readers informed me that this story was moving a bit slow, so I decided to speed it up a few years. It’s 2001 right now. In September. *hint* ))

“Mikey, do you know where this goes?” Gerard held up a book: Ecstacy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance. He and Mikey were at Barnes and Nobles, trying to get money for a New Order concert tickets. Mikey had, of course, actually been offered the job without interview, while Gerard, a fucking college-graduate, only got the job because his baby brother begged the manager.

“Nope.”

Gerard sighed and sipped from his ‘water bottle.’ Mikey stopped sorting CD’s and raised an eyebrow.

“Am I right to assume that that’s not water?” He asked. His twitched to his jean pocket, where his cell phone was located. A simple press of speed dial would have him calling Kat.

“That’s right,” Gerard said cheerfully, sipping more at the vodka, “And you can call whoever you want to. I dumped Kat last week.” This was said in a nonchalant voice, but Mikey knew Gerard well enough that the slight quiver in his voice was not from the alcohol, but from hidden pain.

“Gee, you can tell me. I promise I won’t make fun of you,” As much as Gerard made Mikey want to scream, he still cared for his big brother. It was always Gerard who helped him out when he really needed it. It was also always Gerard who laughed and took pictures when Mikey was in distress.

Gerard shook his head and grinned. “There’s nothing to tell, Mikes.” Lie. Kat found about 4 empty prescription bottles and many bottle of various alcohol hidden in Gerard’s room last week. After a tear-filled night (mainly Kat’s tears), she called it quit’s, fleeing his room very dramatically and throwing his pills everywhere. This was almost planned on Gerard’s end. He was quite angry at her for not being able to accept his lifestyle. It wasn’t like Gerard was forcing Kat to take any pills… he just didn’t like being sober. Big deal.

But Gerard wasn’t about to tell Mikey that. He knew that Mikey wouldn’t dare make fun of him for it, but it still seemed…necessary to keep it hidden. Like it was another shame to be kept inside Gerard’s head.

“Alright then.” Mikey shrugged and resumed sorting the CD’s in the storage room. His hand’s flitted over the book Gerard had asked about earlier. “This looks kind of cool.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Gerard looked over his shoulder at the book. For some reason, the cover of that book reminded him of his old push-over girlfriend, Eliza. Maybe it was the letter ‘E’ in the guys mouth or something…

“Wouldn’t it be cool to be a ‘my’ in front of the ‘chemical romance’? Make it My Chemical Romance? For a band I mean…” Mikey thought out loud. He fingered the book and folded a tiny corner of page 37.

“That does sound pretty cool,” Gerard yawned and took the book from Mikey, placing it on top of the pile of other sorted books. “I’m going into New York early tomorrow. Thinking of taking a ferry ride. Want to come along?” Anything to get away from New Jersey. Away from where he might accidentally run into Kat.

“Yeah. But I have a dentist appointment at 7:30. Will you wait for me?” Mikey already knew that Gerard was going to say no. But it was still worth a shot.

“Why so early?” Gerard asked in distaste. Morning always came too early in the day. And usually they were accompanied by a hangover.

“I dunno. Mom made it for me.” Mikey shrugged. He was fully aware that that made him sound like a Momma’s boy, but their mother still did Gerard’s laundry and folded his underwear. Mikey didn’t think he’d have to worry about being judged by Gerard…

“Yeah. I’ll just hang around the clinic.” Gerard un-pretzeled his legs and stretched them out on the floor. His jeans had a mustard stain on them, but where Gerard got that was unknown because he thought that mustard was the most vile condiment on the face of this planet.

“Alright,” Mikey peered at Gerard. Last he knew, the drugs were still pretty major in his life. But usually they made Gerard irritable and not any… nicer than usual. Unconsciously, Mikey snorted at the thought of Gerard being nice, making the latter glance at him.

“What’s so funny?” Gerard asked. He took another swig of the ‘water bottle.’

“Nothing really…” Mikey replied, shaking his head. When Gerard didn’t turn away- “I just didn’t think you would wait for me is all. You’re not the kind of person to wait around for the other to finish. Usually you don’t really ever initiate any kind of social shit either.” He hoped he hadn’t crossed the line and made Gerard angry. As much as Mikey loved him, he still knew that Gerard could kill him without a single ounce of remorse.

Gerard opened and closed his mouth several times. For the first time in a long time, he was speechless. Not because of what Mikey had said, but because a few nasty things rose to his throat and were demanding to be unleashed like a deadly snake. Also for the first time, perhaps ever, he swallowed his words and said something remotely nice, “You’re a good kid, Mikey.”

After being taken aback, Mikey nodded and playfully punched Gerard’s shoulder. “Thanks, Gee.”

“Now hurry the fuck up or you get to walk home.”

“But it’s my birthday,” Mikey protested.

“And you’re leg muscles are 21 years strong. That seems enough to walk the 20 miles home, yes? You have 15 minutes, I’m going to get coffee.”

“Will you get me som-.”

“No.”

***

Gerard gazed onto the dark water, wondering what it was like to drown. It couldn’t be too different from the smothering feeling he had when a panic attack beleaguered his lungs. And it couldn’t be too different than choking on some beer, thrown to the back of his throat too quickly. It would probably be a combined fusion of the two. But it would probably end the best. Surrounded by no sounds but a dull rushing of water overtaking your body and no light except an eerie glow burning your eyes during the last moments of life. Maybe the water would be cool and soothing, like a bath almost. Assuming that he didn’t struggle against the current, of course.

“Gerard!” Mikey called, yanking him back from the railing. “You were about to fall in. I swear, another inch and you’d be drowning.” He shook his head and led Gerard to a bench. “You need to be more careful.” He said, as if telling a five year old that raccoons were indeed not pets and as much as they looked like cute bandits they were dangerous little motherfuckers.

“Sorry. I was just thinking.” Gerard had a fast vision of Kat, lying face down in the water, black hair strewn over the waves. His mind rejected the mention of Kat and the vision of her death was replaced with a surge of anger.

But it was pointless to be angry now. Gerard made his choice. The homicidal drugs won over love. But still… it made him angry that Kat could be so…so ignorant. She could say she loved him, cared for him, wanted him more than anything else; yet she couldn’t shove aside a few flaws on Gerard’s part and keep loving him. She just had get out. Selfish whore…

“Hey! What’s that plane doing so close to the city?” A random person shouted, waking Gerard of his internal rant. Everyone on the ferry ran over to the railing. Like a flood, murmurs swept through the crowd. People pointed to the plane, nearing the World Trade Center drastically rapid. Kids scratched at their parents, wanting a seat on shoulders to witness what was going on.

Then the plane made contact.

Several people screamed, even more people just stood there - too numb to react to the horrific scene unfolding before them. Their hands traveled up to their mouths, shielding their gaping lips. Others openly gawked, snaking their arms around their waists and clutching for dear life.

The northern tower was on fire, the top of it blaze like a match. But unlike a match, it didn’t burn quickly; it burned slowly… giving the people inside a chance to escape… or a chance to writhe in agony in the flames.

Gerard continued to sit on the bench, almost unaffected by the smoke unfurling from the burning people. While the other people on the ship started to sob into their loved ones arms, Gerard simply fiddled with a fringe on his leather jacket. Mikey alternated staring at the tower and Gerard in disbelief.

“Gerard! Don’t you see what’s happening?! A fucking plane just crashed into the twin towers! GERARD!” Mikey screamed over the yelling crowd. His already pale skin had been drained of any blood, leaving it paper-white.

Gerard finally stopped picking at his jacket and looked up. He scanned the burning tower and tuned out the screaming people in the ferry to hear the faint wails of the victims… throwing themselves from building.

He leapt up from the bench and started to shove people out of the way. He eventually got to the front of the crowd and leaned precariously over the ledge, watching intently at the black blurs hurtling down in a last plunging decision.

As he watched the desperate people choose death by impact rather than dying in a swirl of ashes and vicious flames - the next plane hit. It careened into the side of the South Tower, sending an ear-shattering explosion throughout the city.

More people screamed this time and Gerard was nearly sent over the edge of the boat by the mass of people behind him, pressing to get a better look at the sadistic flames, licking the sides of the building and killing everything in it’s path.

The whole time, Gerard’s mind was racing. His pulse was jacked up and his breath was heaving. How could Gerard waste his life away so easily? Right before him was proof that life ended so much more quickly than expected. Death could plague you in a matter of mere seconds… and here he was, draining the life out of himself like he would a beer bottle.

Get your fucking life under control, Gerard. He thought.

One of the buildings collapsed. The scene played in Gerard’s mind in slow-motion. Along with the smoke, a cloud of dust played up, blocking the terrifying even from view for a few seconds.

The intercom of the boat went off, stating that they would be arriving to shore in about 20 minutes and all were commanded back to their residences.

Mikey, unable to push through the crowd like Gerard had, stayed in the back, occasionally poking someone in the back and trying to dart in front of them. They all pushed him back though. But even from his… sucky standing place, he was able to see Gerard turn around and find Mikey’s eyes. Much to Mikey’s shock, Gerard’s eyes were filled with tears.

That was the first time he had ever seen Gerard cry.